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Sufferer Diagnosed - Not Yet Found Anyone Who 'gets Me'.

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nerfmercy

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Hi, my name is Nikki. I am 19. Back in July of 2016 i was a photographer for my local RSPCA. I'd been doing this for quite some time and i had decided that helping dogs was what i wanted to do with my life. I dropped out of university, i was studying photography, and i applied to do a degree in Canine Behaviour and Training.

Two days after i got my acceptance letter for my new course i was at the RSPCA photographing dogs. I was at the dogs level, sitting on the floor was better for them as they weren't threatened by you or the big camera you are holding. But one was. I didn't even have the camera to my face, it was sat in my lap. He came for me, no warning. It was a full scale dog attack. He went for my face but i put my arm up to protect myself. He wouldn't let go.

I had to have surgery on my arm. For a long time i had no feeling in it due to nerve damage, half of my hand i still can't feel. I also really struggle with daily tasks. Even typing, after a few minutes, makes the muscle ache. He ripped it in half.

I can no longer pick up my camera and do the thing that i loved.

My entire life fell apart around me. When he came for me, it was like i wasn't in my own body. It was like i was standing at the side watching the whole incident unfold. Screaming at myself to put my arm up and not let him get my face and neck.

I really believe i should of died that day.

Currently, the legal proceedings have started surrounding the incident. And i am not coping. I feel alone and lost. I am not quite sure where i should turn to anymore.
 
Hi Nikki. You have experienced a very traumatic event. Having difficulty coping, feeling alone, and lost are common results of trauma. I would strongly recommend seeking therapy from a professional specializing in trauma.

I understand your feelings. There are a lot of people here who can relate to what you've gone through. You are not alone here. Take care.
 
Remember that there are totally different parts of the brain that operate differently:
  • The hippocampus (In the center of your brain) takes in everything that you see, hear, touch, taste, and feel. It discriminates whether it is worth keeping or not, then starts the process of deciphering what kind of memory it is and what to do with it.
  • The cerebral cortex (at the base of your skull) operates on nothing but logic. Before it will accept anything it must make some kind of logical sense.
  • The frontal cortex (behind your forehead) is where reasoning and irrational thought takes place. It tries to make sense of what happens.
  • Once the mind as a whole makes a decision on what kind of memory it is, what schema it fits into, and why it happened it transfers it into long term storage. If it doesn't make any sense whatsoever the mind usually dumps it completely, unless it is traumatic. Then it fiddles with it, trying to make some kind of sense. Meanwhile it tortures you while it is working on it around the clock.
To make this more simple to understand, think of your brain as a filing cabinet. Memories are like pieces of paper that has to be filed, but first it must be rationalized so it matches another file so it can be put away.

We are born with this filing cabinet system. The files within are called "schema's"

We all have files for things that are pretty, ugly, happy, sad, etc. We are not born to have a file for terrible things that happen to us like what happened to you. I was exposed to something so horrible that it changed me forever. My problem is that i did not seek help and I let it fester for years. You are on the right track by seeking help.

What you have to do is find a way to rationalize what happened. You were trying to save the lives of dogs in the ASPCA. What you were doing is a noble cause, and I respect you for that. This was most likely an abused dog that saw you as a threat. But 99.9% of those dogs are friendly and loving animals that will make a family very happy. We just got a new dog from the ASPCA and what got us to the pound was a top quality picture taken by someone like you, that has a love for animals.

I don't expect this to fix everything, but it is a starting point between you and your PTSD counselor. Remember that the rationale doesn't have to be happy, it just has to be something that the logical side will accept.
 
Glad you decided to be a part of the community, Nikki. Welcome. What a chain of scary and traumatic events to experience. What great advice above. Take good care of you.
 
Welcome, @nerfmercy. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. The feelings you are having - alone, lost - are completely to be expected, especially as the memories of the event are more present, with the court case upcoming.

Do you feel like you have good mental health support?
 
Do you feel like you have good mental health support?

When i was diagnosed the doctors just stuck me on anti depressants and didn't offer any support. I have had to find my own support so i have referred myself to my university wellbeing scheme. They mostly only see students once or twice but decided i was one of them students that needed to see them weekly...sometimes twice weekly. Apart from that, no, i dont feel like i have good support.
 
They mostly only see students once or twice but decided i was one of them students that needed to see them weekly...sometimes twice weekly.
Good for you, for referring yourself to them and I'm glad they are giving you some structure, at least. I don't know if private therapy is an option for you, but EMDR is known to be especially effective for single-event trauma. The effect that the injury has had on your life is a larger, more complex subject - but you may find it easier to work on once the trauma memories themselves have been processed.
 
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