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General Didn't Even Tell Me He's Ok

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Glara

MyPTSD Pro
So I heard form my ex sufferer a week ago. My stomach was in knots for over a month wondering how his biopsy went. When I heard nothing I assumed the worst. It turns out he was ok. He said he'd keep me posted but didn't. So now it's back to him checking in every 4 weeks, probably more, to say he's alive.

It started that he checked in weekly and then a little less frequently. In May he wanted to see me again and then silence for 3 weeks. He unexpectedly texted when his other cat died, but didn't tell me his results were ok. I'm guessing he'll go back to his old pattern of checking in monthly or maybe even longer. I'm at a loss. What do I say?

When he broke it off I told him I wouldn't contact him anymore but that I hoped he'd check in sometime so that I know he's ok. I wasn't expecting a monthly text that says "I'm not dead". It's going on like this too long. I just don't know what to say the next time he texts. There's no communication.
 
@Justmehere I don't know what I want to say, but I know what I want to ask. I want to ask what he wants from me. Friendship/support, sex, keep me around?

So do I say "I'm glad you're not dead, what do you want from me?"
 
So do I say "I'm glad you're not dead, what do you want from me?"
That seems pretty reasonable to me. If there's something you want to know, the best first step to finding an answer is to ask the question. But, be prepared to listen to the answer, whether it's the one you want or something else. @Glara, you, all by yourself, wanting this to work isn't enough to make it work.HE has to want it too. And then HE has to be willing to work at the relationship as well as the other stuff he has going on.
 
I would ask him something close to that, if not exactly what you typed.

Perhaps, "I'm glad you are ok. I need to know what kind of relationship you would like to have with me? friends? More?..." Etc.

If you can say it in a specific and direct way, starting off with a positive, it will be less likely that his defenses will come up and more likely that he will answer.

If you want more of a relationship with him, tell him. Direct.

If you feel hurt by him, or confused. Tell him.

He may have no idea that you are feeling so understandably confused - tell him. The more specific and direct, the better.

If someone I was in a relationship with, or that I reached out for support with, felt very confused and/or hurt, it would be good for me to know. For them to tell me. I would want them to tell me and I would feel worse if they didn't.

It really seems like he reaches out only when he needs a moment of support, and yet not when there is good news or things are going ok. He texts when his cat died, when he had to have the biopsy, but not so much when he got the good news the biopsy was normal. It seems like he is just looking for someone he can reach out to for momentary support and not really a two way relationship. I would find that really hard and very confusing.

He may never tell you and he may never change. It is precarious to stay in any relationship based on the hope the other person will fundamentally change. He's shown a really strong pattern of being this way. If he doesn't directly tell you what he wants, you may have to accept that this is all you will know, and you will have to decide if having any contact with him is ok for you or not.

I know how much you have cared about him and how alone you feel at times. This is a very tough position to be in. My heart goes out to you. :hug:
 
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