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Difficulties In Trusting Men Again.

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Deleted member 28862

I've been on this site for about 3 years now, I've poured all my emotions, worries and frustrations to everyone in hopes that I will find some answers. Once again I'm back in an emotionally unstable mindset filled with questions and now answers.

Throughout my life I've been used and abused by majority of the men in my life, be it family, friends of the family or "friends" that I've made on my own, when all is said and done I just end up being used by everyone.

So when a person comes along, no matter how much they say and try to prove they're trustworthy, I just cannot bring myself to do it. Every year poses new challenges and struggles but every year certain struggles are never dealt with or fixed to the point where i'm not bothered by them anymore so in the long run they just build up and trickle over into the new year. With that being said, because of my sexual, mental and emotional abuse I've endured by the men around me for more than half my life (i'm only 22) it goes without saying that I have majors issues in trusting the men.

It's to the point where I have a phobia of men and I kina loathe being alone with one, even if I know in my heart that person wouldn't hurt me it doesn't stop me from being afraid of what they can do. Psychologically that how i think of men, as very frightening, animalistic beasts. As much as I don't want to... that how I see men. Obviously I know its wrong, I know its not right to have those thoughts of all men because of what a handful of moron's did to me but I'm just not able to think of them in any other way. Which brings me to the relationship part of my thread.

I now have someone new in my life, and to be completely honest, he can be scientifically proven as the safest man on earth for all women to be around, I fear that I will never completely trust him. As much as I want to talk about this with people I'm very close to, I can't bring myself to do so because they have proven over and over again that they're either uninterested in that part of my life and don't really care or they don't truly believe the level on intensity my trauma was/is.

So exactly what or how should I approach this situation with him, I've told him my biggest fear is him turning out to be complete sh*t like everyone else but its really having a good relationship with him and years into marriage or something, i still don't trust him.
 
Exactly, and normal for what you'be been through. There is no shame in feeling as you do. You have good reasons to have trust issue with men. I do, too.

I work very hard on it, and after being in a safe zone in a relationship with a man, I start to think maybe all men are not that bad and I've been jaded.

Then, my man does something to break my trust, and I am right back to never wanting to be around men, seeing them as evil tricks, etc.

I will always fall back on this definition because it was the earliest and strongest, and I'm human.

Metaphorically, It takes all day to climb this cliff, but only seconds to fall down to the bottom, injured. I keep on trying for this relationship, and also for myself. But I don't have answers.

If my 22 year relationship with my man doesn't work out, I am not going to be willing to get involved with anyone.
 
Exactly, and normal for what you'be been through. There is no shame in feeling as you do. You have good rea...
Thanks for your reply, it's actually really scary, on top of fears of getting into a relationship. There's anxieties and fears that comes along with that, and to put my trauma on top of those is almost too much to deal with.

I don't know if I'll be able to handle a 22 years long relationship if my partner does something that hurts my trust in him and I question everything he did.

Sometimes I sit and wonder how long he will play with me until he gets impatient and reverts to his true self which is a 180 from what he's portraying
 
I now have someone new in my life, //

So exactly what or how should I approach this situation with him, I've told him my biggest fear is him turning out to be complete sh*t like everyone else but its really having a good relationship with him and years into marriage or something, i still don't trust him.

How long have you known him, & in what context? (Friends, coworkers, etc.)
 
How long have you known him, & in what context? (Friends, coworkers, etc.)
We're friends right now, we're at the getting to know each other part. I feel like i can never get past those initial stages because... I find it really difficult to trust men.
 
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we're at the getting to know each other part. I

Then, IMO, you shouldn't trust him, yet. Trust is earned. And the only way to earn it is to live it, not proclaim it. Which takes time. Not weeks and months, but months and years, to really know someone's character (barring a few extreme examples). There will always be a period of uncertainty when you're getting to know someone. Because you don't know them, yet.

Someone told me once "Trusting everyone is exactly the same as trusting no one." And it's just stuck with me all these years, because he was right. Trust isn't black and white. I can trust someone with my life I wouldn't trust with my kids; or trust them with my kids, but not my heart. I could trust someone heart & soul in every area except banking. Because they suck at math. Trust is complicated. It's not an on/off switch.

Not trust men? Adds another level onto it's normal and right not to trust someone until after you've gotten to know them. It adds mistrust, starting out in a deficits. Like a sound board. Or a bank account. Without the trauma history you might start out at Zero. Neither trust, nor mistrust. With the trauma history + stressor? Starting out at -10. So it's natural that it's going to take awhile of trust building to reach neutral. First no longer mistrusting him, then trusting -or not- based on what you know of his character.
 
Great post Friday about trust not being all or nothing or automatically given, has to be earned.

I think though in some people's case, there is seemingly no way to earn or experience it that is known yet. So, it's that much more scary to try again.

But if you don't ever try, you won't be hurt again, you'll be hurting yourself to prevent from being hurt. That said, I get it and I don't know that everyone is always ready or supported enough to try again for a while.

Taking things slow, having low enough expectations to not set yourself up for a fall, etc may be the way to go. I'd journal, and check in here, often.
 
Then, IMO, you shouldn't trust him, yet. Trust is earned. And the only way to earn it is to live...
Yea i know trust is something you earn, my thing is will I ever be able to, due to the trauma. I don't trust anyone. Thats my problem.
 
I get that, but, also, trust, love, all these things, they are not identical for everyone, but most of the time, it's not hard to see the signs someone else is experiencing these emotional states.

Thing is, I don't know that most set out with a goal of feeling this stuff. It just happens. Often when you least expect.

Saying you "can't or don't" doesn't preclude the possibility of this happening. If it's never happened, then that's notable.

It took me 10 years of feeling safe enough with my spouse to encounter my first feelings of trust (in my body) as an actual sensation. I had a hard time even labeling it. I had to focus on it for a while until I was able to find the word. At that time, I was in denial that I had PTSD, and was blissfully ignorant of my main traumas and emotional pain.

Since then, that trust has been the basis of my recovery having had to go through years of horrible flashbacks. Without it, I don't know if I would have had the ability or courage to make it through those memories.

I often feel as you seem to, I express the same frustrations. It's part of PTSD. Acceptance of that, and yourself having it, is the first step in the direction of feeling better.
 
I get that, but, also, trust, love, all these things, they are not identical for everyone, but most of the...
I have multiple mental illness, all trauma induced. I know I have PTSD but i have trouble really dealing with it. Its like I'd rather it be something else than trauma related illnesses.
 
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