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Disability:how Do U Know U Need It

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trying2movefwd

MyPTSD Pro
Some of my support system really believes I need to go on disability. How do I know I need to? Like I haven't been able to keep a job, usually mental health interferes, but I am Okay (50 Percent of the time) at home with self care and house keeping duties (as well as the mom stuff), but when i work this goes to the way side. Am I lazy? Why cant I handle both ? Its like it creates too much stress, my anxiety heightens, i cant take it...and end up in a hospital for S/I. Its so stupid of me. I dont know what my problem is. If I can handle my home, mothering, and making it to mental health appointments, shouldnt i be able to handle working? Ugg...okay I am not even working right now and stress still spins me into a deeper depression and often leads to S/I or SH. My mood and emotions jump around significantly throughout the day. If I dont work people will judge me. If I loose my kudos and lose yet another job, I easily get to the point of hopelessness. Its like a no win situation. (I serously think I am borderline sometimes...I know I have traits..cuts me to the core)
 
I believe that the question of whether or not to go on disability is answered in the criteria for disability approval------namely, being unable to work/keep a job.

Based on what you've said, it appears that you're at this point now.
 
No, you're not a failure, not in the least.

You've tried over and over to make things work, to get a job, to keep the job------but this darn PTSD monster keeps on getting in the way and makes it impossible for you to keep on working. Maybe this sounds weird, but I'm proud of you for simply pushing forward----why? Because you haven't given up. You keep on trying. And now you're slowly realizing that working isn't in the cards for you at this time. You're here on the forum reaching out for help because things aren't going well right now and you're looking for new ways to get through it all. I know it may be hard to believe, but there's no shame in going on disability. You really have tried! Think of it this way----disability will give you the ability to not be so worried about money/working and you'll be able to focus on healing. And later, when you've healed a bit, you can work your way back into having a job again.
 
I can relate to what you describe as far as your anxiety being heightened when you try to work. I actually thought I was the only one with this sort of symptom. I also go into a freeze response and get catatonic depression if I try to push onward despite my PTSD symptoms. It seems to me I can work for a year and then I deteriorate. That is the pattern. I also have a very very strong sensitivity to stress that I have had for a long time, and I now know it is part of the PTSD. I felt the same way you did when I had no choice but to apply for SSD back in 2010. I have been on it now for almost 5 years and no signs of being able to come off of it yet anyway. I tried working this past year on a Ticket to Work program and once again, I lasted a year, then left. TTW programs are a great way to try work again without losing your benefits. Please do not feel like a failure, although I can relate because I did when I had to apply for SSD myself. I still struggle with that feeling of failure off and on, but we can only do the best we can and keep moving forward at our own pace. Recovery is not a straight line that is for sure. There will be ups and downs and many of them. You are actually a strong person for doing what you have to do and recognizing that you may need SSD benefits in order to heal and move forward. They are there for people like us, and it is our money that we paid into when we worked, so it is there for us if needed. Do whatever you have to do to be well. Looking back, SSD was my saving grace and best thing I could have done for myself. I am in a long journey to recovery, but at least I am making the journey! :-)
 
Another way to think on it:

If you're a Stay-At-Home-Mom... Which is a job, just one that doesn't come with a paycheck, sick leave, vacation, limits on number of hours worked or overtime, pension, insurance, mandated breaks and mealtimes, legal protections, & all the other benes of working for a company ...(In the first place, good on you. I'll never understand why being a Nanny or Teacher are respected forms of employment, but parenting somehow became less than to outright disrespected with women's lib in many Western cultures. It may be one of the most fun jobs I've ever worked, but also hands down the hardest, with the worst hours) ...AND you could collect disability whilst doing so to help you & your family? AND qualify for occupational training/higher ed, & TTW to stretch your wings...How awesome is that?!? :D
 
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