BlueOrange
MyPTSD Pro
Early in therapy, I accepted that I had been violent. I had sworn I would not repeat the excuse, but all those thoughts about getting rid of perpetrators found a target, and the target was me.
I couldn't handle this part that hated me so badly, that wanted me to die, so I dissociated from it. Some of you have seen me go through all sorts of contortions and extremes, desperately trying to forgive various folks in order to avoid coming in contact with my desire for extinction.
Building a bridge to the part that wanted to kill me has been one of the most difficult an painful things I've ever done, but I feel like I've built it. Yesterday, I talked to a friend about why I felt this way, and I accepted this desire and feeling as part of my experience.
I feel cleaner today, a lot less crazy, triggered a lot less. And I feel tired, and full of grief.
I slept a bit better than usual last night, and I've spoken to my wife about how I'm feeling, and I'm not experiencing any urges or desires to act self-destructively. I remember times when I wanted to commit suicide, and it hurts like hell, but I seem to have been successful in separating 'feeling the feeling' from 'acting on the feeling'.
I couldn't handle this part that hated me so badly, that wanted me to die, so I dissociated from it. Some of you have seen me go through all sorts of contortions and extremes, desperately trying to forgive various folks in order to avoid coming in contact with my desire for extinction.
Building a bridge to the part that wanted to kill me has been one of the most difficult an painful things I've ever done, but I feel like I've built it. Yesterday, I talked to a friend about why I felt this way, and I accepted this desire and feeling as part of my experience.
I feel cleaner today, a lot less crazy, triggered a lot less. And I feel tired, and full of grief.
I slept a bit better than usual last night, and I've spoken to my wife about how I'm feeling, and I'm not experiencing any urges or desires to act self-destructively. I remember times when I wanted to commit suicide, and it hurts like hell, but I seem to have been successful in separating 'feeling the feeling' from 'acting on the feeling'.