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DID Dissociated part wanted me to die

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BlueOrange

MyPTSD Pro
Early in therapy, I accepted that I had been violent. I had sworn I would not repeat the excuse, but all those thoughts about getting rid of perpetrators found a target, and the target was me.

I couldn't handle this part that hated me so badly, that wanted me to die, so I dissociated from it. Some of you have seen me go through all sorts of contortions and extremes, desperately trying to forgive various folks in order to avoid coming in contact with my desire for extinction.

Building a bridge to the part that wanted to kill me has been one of the most difficult an painful things I've ever done, but I feel like I've built it. Yesterday, I talked to a friend about why I felt this way, and I accepted this desire and feeling as part of my experience.

I feel cleaner today, a lot less crazy, triggered a lot less. And I feel tired, and full of grief.

I slept a bit better than usual last night, and I've spoken to my wife about how I'm feeling, and I'm not experiencing any urges or desires to act self-destructively. I remember times when I wanted to commit suicide, and it hurts like hell, but I seem to have been successful in separating 'feeling the feeling' from 'acting on the feeling'.
 
May I ask, how long did it take you?

Depends on what 'it' is :)

I started therapy in 2003, which is when I accepted that I had been violent and needed to change. (Also when I got laid off from the IT industry and when wife 1.0 left me.)

I accepted that I had dissociated from my stuff (accepted PTSD diagnosis) in early 2004.

Last actively/seriously contemplated suicide in 2004.

Highly symptomatic for a few months in 2007

Returned to the IT industry in 2008.

Started relationship with wife 2.0 in 2009.

Highly symptomatic for a few months in 2012

Highly symptomatic for a few months in 2015

Diagnosis changed to DID in 2015

Highly symptomatic since Feb 2016 (worst it has been since 2003)

EMDR since beginning July 2016. It is now late July 2016.
 
Thank you the timeline, I find that very helpful, thank you sharing.

@BlueOrange
you mentioned you felt that you succeeded in building a bridge between you and the part that wanted to kill you.

— HOW!? :O_o:
 
Once I was ready, it happened pretty much automatically. The principles are the same as building any other bridge between parts of a person, which is the same as building bridges between people who don't share a skull.

You need to feel safe / able to build the bridge (so I was feeling extremely safe when I built this particular bridge)
You need to be responding thoughtfully, and not on impulse
You need to not be threatened by the other party's existence (which meant, in this case, that I was completely confident in my ability to experience feelings and urges that I don't like, without acting on them)
You need to be able to listen to things, without needing to agree or disagree
You need to be able to reassure someone with language and body language that you mean them no harm
You need to be able to sort through disagreements in such a way that you find a mutually acceptable solution to a problem

I think :)

I didn't have a plan, these are the capabilities that I think I used when I discovered that I was connecting to that part. I didn't start to understand what had happened until it was mostly over.
 
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