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Dissociation since childhood and life of severe social/emotional isolation. is there hope?

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Abyss95

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I've probably started dissociating since 3 years old due to emotional neglect. My mom gave me no love or guidance. My dad left when I was 10 and I was too scared/proud to say I didn't want him to leave. I've faced years of emotional abuse at school but I've just been zoned out most of my time growing up. full blown dp/dr has only started a year ago though. I used to live in a constant state of anxiety and negative thoughts. My symptoms were basically that of avoidant personality disorder. It seems like most people here were relatively normal before their dpdr started and it was triggered by weed/psychedelics. But, for me I've just been f*cked up entire life. People know me as that guy who is depressed/shy/hates himself/f*cked up. All I've ever done was play games/listen to sad music/read self help/sleep. I never pursued any hobbies or interests because I thought it would burden my mom. I never tried to make any friends because in my heart I believed I didn't deserve any. Honestly, I feel like I've never truly lived a single day in my entire life. To just be free and live from my heart, not in my head. It might be hard to imagine the life I've lived based on this post, but has anyone lived a/recovered from a similar life? Also, is it possible I have Dissociative Identity Disorder? I don't know if I could handle such a diagnosis. I'm 22 years old and I feel like my life is impossible to recover from.
 
hey. i'm sorry you've felt this way for so long. it's a weird and insufferable way to live. i've been experiencing depersonalization/derealization/dissociation to some degree for a really long time too, almost as long as i can remember. i don't really know when it started. i feel like i've never really been alive, too. i still don't know how i'm ever gonna recover either, honestly, so i can't give you any advice there (sorry). i don't know if you have dissociative identity disorder, specifically, it's definitely possible you have a dissociative disorder, but you would have to go see a psychologist to get diagnosed. do you have any alters (other personalities)? whatever your problem is, you should see a therapist and get a diagnosis/treatment.
 
You took a huge risk, and yes, there is hope. Of course most of us will encourage you to seek professional help. To fnd someone that can help you to understand what is happening and why.... the possiblites of medication to help settle you down some so you can think...
Very glad you are here.... you are not alone and many here, myself included... have dissociated most of my life... I do understand. And I have come a long way as many here have... you can get a LIFE.... and hope you continue to come here and share, we'll if we can....
 
Hi,
You have a tremendous amount of courage. It takes courage to post here and ask questions. There is definitely hope. It might take a lot of hard work to face the past and find yourself on solid ground again. I did after 40-50 years. I don't think it really matters if it is dissociation, depersonalization or derealization because it all amounts to an extremely stressful life that was difficult to cope with. My life still gets very stressful but now it is not from abusive relationships. It is from normal stressors like a major move to a new city and now losing my job. It is all still very scary but I am in the real world dealing with it. If I can do it, you can too. Find help and don't ever give up. Being real is worth it.
 
@Abyss95

Your life is similar to mine. In school I was bullied to the point where I just gave up hope and zoned out on autopilot. I hardly talked to anyone and the people who I thought were my friends kicked me to the curb. As far as home life goes my parents were alcoholics and there was little emotional bonding. My sister turned to dope. I turned inward and shut off. I was sexually assaulted by a neighbour teen boy when I was ten. I only mention this because I can sorta understand your despair though everyone here has unique story. You obviously want heal that's why you are reaching out on this forum which is a positive step in the right direction. I'm 34 and I just started my own healing journey. I know the road is long and hard and others already gave some excellent advice but you have great insight so kudos to you.

I keep an open door policy in my PM box so feel free to message if you wish. Take care.

-Spiff
 
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