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Dissociative feelings while suicidal

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I've noticed that in the beginning when I was suicidal I would cry because I felt sad. I felt guilty for the possible pain I'd be inflicting on others. I could clearly comprehend the consequences that would have occurred after my death and I would feel sad if I imagined my loved ones feeling terrible after my death.

But then as I got worse(I think), it lessened. The guilt slowly went away and I would curse myself for not being able to feel guilty. I practically had to encourage my friend to make me feel guilty so that I'd have at least one reason to hang on to and stick around.

Now I'm at the point where it's almost like I can't comprehend the consequences, how life would be after my death, and how my friend would be. I truly feel like life would move on and my loved ones would be fine. I know that it may suck at first, but it's almost like my thoughts get cut short and are not allowed to continue. All I can comprehend now is that if I die then I'll be saving myself from any possible bad days.

I don't care if there are any possible good days, I've tried spending physical time with my best friend, but the "good feelings" don't last at all anymore. Before it used to stick with me for, at least, a day or two. But now it's like it doesn't even get registered. I'm not exactly feeling sad 24/7, but I guess the main emotions I'm feeling would be loneliness and emptiness/apathy.

It feels like I'm not living my life. I can't really comprehend the future or past well. It feels like I'm stuck in the present and I'm watching myself go through my days. It isn't dissociation that I typically feel, but it's more like a disconnection from everything. I don't feel like I'm connecting with anyone. I feel like I've lost that one last person I did connect with and I'm just existing like a moving, breathing object. It's difficult to explain..
 
I get what you're saying. In that mindset there's no way out and it's like tunnel vision. There isn't a bigger picture, because you can't see it and all you feel is the overwelming pain.
 
I've also been dissociative while suicidal and it turned out to be much more dangerous then when I was connected emotionally. Are you seeing a therapist that you could talk to about this and make a plan ? It's so hard I find when I am disconnected to remember when I was connected but remember that your reasons for staying are still here and I am sure that your friends would Much rather talk to you everyday to encourage remembering of reasons than you to not be alive. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are a valuable person and I strongly hope that you can reach out for additional help
 
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