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Dissociative Mothers

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Justmehere

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Has anyone here struggled with having a dissociative mother? I have. I still struggle with it. She isn't in treatment (and I'm not holding my breath hoping she will ever get help) but has been diagnosed. She has struggled with it since before I was born, stemming from trauma from her own childhood, and almost never talks about it. She has very little self awareness that she communicates to anyone.

What's really hard is when she is blank. Numb. In a fog. It can really throw me for a loop and trigger my own PTSD symptoms as an adult. I'm trying to approach it differently, and I do have therapy of my own. My old trauma therapist met with her once, about my PTSD, at my request, and came out of the session more concerned about my mother's mental state than my own.

I dissociate at times too, and this thread isn't a judgement or criticism on anyone with PTSD who also have children. This is simply about me as someone with PTSD who struggles to be in relationship with a parent who is mostly "gone" most of the time, even when she is physically present.

My therapists keep telling me that having a primary caregiver who is so "gone" is probably why I had failure to thrive as a kid, and still struggle as an adult. She couldn't be present enough to respond to my own emotional needs as a kid, and thus I suffered from emotional neglect and learned to react very strongly to try to get a response from her. I'm not sure it's that simple, but it is probably a part of the picture. Even now, I struggle with a huge desire to get a response from her. Any response.
 
@Justmehere , it breaks my heart to read that post. I can't really offer anything to help you. I am a mother who has DID so it's difficult for me to read that post, but I know you are reaching out for support in your situation. It's my worst fear that I will affect my children because of my mental health. Of course, I am going to affect them, that much is already obvious. However, I am learning to see that as I get help I am able to better help them. And they have a fabulous father (and I husband) so that helps, too. I know this isn't perhaps the response you were looking for, but I couldn't help but reach out to you and tell you that your post touched me and that I wish your mother had sought help or will seek help.
 
:hug: JEKBreatheandbelieve - I have been following your posts a long time. Even on your very worst day, I have no concerns for you children. I think they are quite lucky to have a mom like you. I can't possibly know how you are with them offline, but by how you conduct yourself here, with tremendous insight, grace, empathy, and compassion for others and for yourself, I believe you are likely doing a fine job with your kids. Sure, your symptoms and struggle do likely affect them, but you are getting help, and that gives you tools to help them through it and through their own struggles in life, and you have a great husband too.

If you can, let go of any undeserved feelings of guilt or fear you are affecting them like my mother's symptoms have.

Even if you struggled as much as my mother to be present at all, her symptoms are just part of the legacy of trauma - while my mother is being irresponsible to refuse therapy, I put all the guilt and blame on the abusers for the symptoms.

Thank you for your kind and compassionate reply (see what I mean!) - you are more awesome than you know. :hug:
 
I think you paint a pretty clear picture of someone who is traumatised and dissociative with little self awareness or treatment and I can see why that would create all the things you mention. My mother is different. Invasive is more accurate but in truth I was emotionally neglected, Hard to get ones head around both happening simultaneously.

Do you think you have developed acceptance of not being able to get through to her?
 
My mother is different. Invasive is more accurate but in truth I was emotionally neglected, Hard to get ones head around both happening simultaneously.

My mother has this way of really struggling to understand that people don't know what she is thinking unless she says it, and confusing her emotions with others... it was enmeshment or nothing. It was so confusing as a kid. And as an adult. It was just as hard because I still didn't really exist to her as a separate and full person. I can get about how one can be emotionally neglected while being invaded.
Do you think you have developed acceptance of not being able to get through to her?
Intellectually? Yes, mostly. Habitually? Nope. Just today I was talking to her, and I said, "The weather here is -"
And she cut me off with an automatic "yeah, ok."

I had not even stated what the weather was. She just slipped into this automatic "yeah, ok." I tend to feel a compulsive urge to start over and say it again, and again, until she actually hears what I'm saying and has more than a weird patterned response.

I have tested this a few times when she slips into this automatic "yeah, ok" and said something outlandish like "monkeys are flying out of my butt mom."
To which she will reply, "yeah, ok." Without skipping a beat.

I don't test it out anymore, but I do feel a huge compulsion to repeat the sentence or whatever I'm talking about until she says something to respond, until she has what my therapist calls a "contingent" response - i.e. how she responds is contingent on what I said and vice versa. But when it slips into this non-contingent dissociative/spaced out way of communicating.... omg, I want to scream. I don't scream, but I usually have to work hard to not show frustration/fear. Reminding myself that she's just slipped into a dissociative state again has helped... but it's so hard. That urge to try to bring her back is still there.

If she even could admit she dissociates at times, and even talk about it in one of her more present moments - I think that would help a lot, but she can't even go there. I hate the person who hurt her so bad as a kid. I also hate that I get so easily frustrated with it. I have friends who have dissociated very strongly with me, and I was unphased by it. But not with my mother. :(
 
I relate to quite a lot of what you mention although my mother isn't dissociative. Mine doesn't see me either. Has always told me what I like think am etc. I'm an extension of her. I also understand acceptance but still finding that ones emotions react at times regardless. I find the no seeing and trying to push things onto me stuff the most upsetting with her.

Just a thought and I don't want to unsettle something thats been helpful for you - I wondered if some of it could be emotional disengagement rather than dissociation? Shes hearing you and yet has a go to phrase to keep your demands at bay. Says thins that don't even have any relevance. That can go along with the other personality traits you mention. If its all about her and she can't see you then what you are asking her or saying is irrelevant if it doesn't fit with what she wants. Just a thought. It particularly occurred to me as you are saying this doesn't come and go in some respects. . She doesn't have moments of true connection and then other times isn't there.Maybe you would feel differently if that was the case. It sounds like she never sees you, sometimes engages to have her say or push her thoughts at you. That sounds a little more like a personality thing to me at guess. I get how frustrating and disempowering it would feel to not get through. :( Regardless of what it is it has nothing to do with your worth or the value of what you say or do.

Its no wonder you feel as you do as it sounds like your mother is unable to give you what any child needs. Emotional connection and recognition.
 
Wow....what you have written could have been written by me...very close anyway.

My mom isn't even "there" enough to realize that she isn't "normal",. She has always been physically present, but her focus is the TV, computer, or books.

I am now her caretaker, and it seems to be harder than it was. She ignored my dad unless she wanted something, and she's still that way. He passed away 4 years ago and got away from the sadness and grief of being
"alone" in his marriage.

I am SO SORRY, that your mom doesn't have it in her to be your mother in any way. It REALLY stinks that you had "failure to thrive" as well. We had to raise ourselves, and self esteem didn't have a chance to grow.

Peace and blessings to you!
AKJ
 
I've often (in recent years) wondered if my mother was actually dissociative instead of just self-absorbed. The result is the same: utter disengagement, inappropriate emotional response, inability to see the world from multiple perspectives. Checked out. Not there. And maybe why I, myself, am so dissociative?
 
My mother is severely dissociative. She was born in nazi Germany during the war. She's never been "normal",always checked out, I assume that's why I had little connection with her as a child and she hardly noticed when I left home as an adolescent. It's hard to be mad at her because it's like a severe learning disability or mental illness, she can't help it. I guess. It's like having a zombie for a mother. Not ideal. Certainly why I spent too much time on this forum, Im really sorry you grew up this way, too.
 
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