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Dissociative rage!

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tphillips117

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Hi,

I have a lot of problems on my hands. I am separating from my husband after nearly 14 years because he just cannot be emotionally supportive through my long standing complex PTSD and depression. I have struggled so much! He just cannot understand what happens to me and leaves me to care for our three kids while I fight to stay present and patient. It is a battle every moment of every day. I am the poster woman for every single Complex PTSD symptom. I have been to inpatient and residential treatment centers. I've been in therapy consistently for 6 years. I've been a guinea pig for the pharmaceutical companies and my various psychiatrists.

Because my husband has become an adversarial person in my life, I have totally turned on him in my mind as the enemy. I only see him as someone who causes me pain. We cannot talk to each other without escalating to fighting and this affects our kids greatly. As of late, I have been driven to the precipice of acting out in a dissociative rage. All of a sudden, I flip a switch inside my head and I react without thinking. It is impulsive and terrifying. I am afraid that I will hurt him. Because of this, I have asked that he not be in my presence and that we only interact through text. I am terrified of my pent up anger and my ability to lose space and time and react in such a manor. Does anyone understand this? I feel so scared and alone and I desperately need support from others going through what I'm going through.

Please help!
 
Could something like a couple's therapy help? Because it is possible that neither of you can have the recess from your anger and stress to help sort out the differences. So may be outside help for both of you could make things appear clearer than you can manage to see by yourself and let you know if you can make it work nicely again or if it's damaged beyond?
 
Hi,

I have a lot of problems on my hands. I am separating from my husband after nearly 14 years...

Hi, I can relate, I feel blind rage at times, I happens more and is harder to deal with and control if under stress and triggered constantly, like it sounds like is happening in your situation, I've had it happen in relationships, I did the same and left or put distance like you are, looking back it was the right thing to do I believe.
 
We did marriage counseling, and it was an utter failure. It ended not because of him, but because of me. I've been so guarded, secretive and untrusting that I could not manage to be vulnerable to him and the marriage enough for therapy to continue or be helpful. Our therapist stopped see us. Luckily for me, she continued to work with me solo which has been a HUGE blessing in my life and is the only reason I am still standing. I am so fortunate to have someone be so fiercely protective of me and she's literally the first person I have ever in my life trusted. I do believe that my marriage is just beyond help. It's been dying a slow death for a long, long time and I'd rather be alone than put up with his abandonment any day of the week.
 
I absolutely can not afford to rage. I've gone into psychosis over anger, and pain, and the pills make it worse. Because I have to deny myself some rightful emotions due to the fact I can't afford them I find other problems are arising. Physical pain that is hard to describe in certain parts of my body. My stomach feels like electricity shooting all around the outside of the lining, and severe pain in the back, or front of my chest like a dull electric knife. I think it's bad neropathways that have gitten jumbled up with normal circuitry that is almost stuck open. So much emotional pain with psychological torment, and unfortunately ptsd brain damage of certain parts of the brain shrinking.
I think for me I couldn't stand up, or get help when the trauma occurred, and the nature of the trauma made me go mad with anger when it caught up a few years ago. I was also experimented on through psychiatric hospitals, or given the standard medication which makes me insanely angry. I'm not bipolar, but compkex ptsd can mirror it when your in a full blown episode.
I have noticed pre-recorded meditations on youtube have helped so much with isocronic beats. Or, with head set binaural beats help intensely ease the symptoms of psychotic rage. I guess studies note meditation can change brain structure for the bettet. After my psychosis at 35 where I was kidnapped and held by a family member who's ptsd kicked in during that time left me with a few more emotional scars, and life problems, I realized I can not afford anger to that level.
The more I meditated in life the better the anger got. Infact I may do a quick ten minute one now. I don't like the physical pain I have on a daily basis, but its better than going full blown psychotic rage. I think the anger comes, and goes over the years, but I know when I'm like that it has to do with being absolutely helpless in the past with no hope, or help anywhere I looked. I'm sorry life has been so cruel. I understand, and my ptsd does still make me angry as I uncover the past that I can't change now.
 
PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior. Something I had to learn. While I understand that you are stressed, and I hear what you want. I think that you need to find a way to cope and real in the rage, not just because of your marriage, but because you have children.

You've been in therapy and you've been in treatment programs. Did you learn coping skills? Did you learn ways to deescalate your emotions? Did you learn breathing techniques to aid you with calming your anxiety? If you did, then my next question is, do you use them daily/hourly if you need to?????

Have you ever participated in CBT or DBT therapy????
 
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Aside from complex PTSD and depression, I decided in 2015 to finally do something about my weight. Feeling horrible about myself and hopeless in so many ways, I had gastric bypass and went from a size 24 to a size 6 in less than a year. I had no idea how this would affect me psychologically which was fairly devastating. I used food to cope. I used it to soothe, I used it for friendship, and while it was a cruel master, it was always there for me. So now, I'm literally half the person I used to be, but lost my main coping skill with nothing to replace it. I ended up unintentionally inflicting more pain on myself. I had a psych exam as part of my pre-op tests, but this was to make sure that I would adhere to the diet after the surgery, which I had no problem doing. In fact, I've suffered malnutrition issues nearly since I had the surgery. So life has been all around fairly unkind to me the last few years.
 
PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior. Something I had to learn. While I understand that you are stres...

I have been in treatment that to various degrees did not work. Many people don't know how to successfully treat complex PTSD, even if they say they do. By nature, I have found my anger to be very impulsive, almost instantly reactionary. I am not this way with my children, but my husband triggers the hell out of me. Which is why I asked him to leave the house for the week, which would give me time to regroup and use the skills which I have just begun to use. When it comes to good therapy, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to the prince. That is where I am now.
 
Hi,

I have a lot of problems on my hands. I am separating from my husband after nearly 14 years...
Hi tphillips. I read your post and can so understand how you feel....first I would like to tell you, you must be unbelievable strong person, I also can not imagine how difficult going through this and being a mother to 3 children....I am amazed at your ability,and I have had similar experience many years ago, I have had many years of therapy, for innumerable issues.

When I was asked about marriage, sitting in therapist office my face would go numb and I would immediately feel dissociative.....it was though a heavy door slammed shut.....

I could not of picked a worse man if I tried....my nickname for him was ''Satan"...believe me he was really was that bad....I should of never married him...he was bad enough before we got married ,at the end of my marriage it blew up quickly. I had so many other issues, my brain felt like a maze with a lot of space out dissociative flashes. I had some of the worse flashbacks I have had...and when it was over and I slept a few hours, I woke up in such rage...I scared myself with the intensity...if my ex husband had been in the next room I have no doubt whatsoever that I would of killed him in the most horrendous fashion .....and to calm down I would of drove home and killed my brother as well.

When outside and sat in the rocker smoking cigarettes, cussing and swinging rosary beads in the other hand....waiting for police to arrive , being thrown in jail would of enormous relief because the steel bars would of kept every being away from me...the orange jumpsuit would not be a good look for me either...

I have been struggling with agoraphobia tendencies for awhile now...I would of loved to be as rich as Howard Hughes so I could tell the whole world where to go and what to do when they got there.

To say I have men issues is understatement...of tremendous magnitude. I do not understand there crap, what goes through their simple emotionally retarded brains....and the head games they love to play would be another book...I think there soul function in life is to destroy you for the 'hell of it, than turn around and tell you they give some vague sense of a damn about you.

In other words I feel your pain I project onto movie clips and the only movie that would cut it, is Thelma and Louise....I especially enjoyed the clip when they pulled over some redneck ignorant airhead to chat with him...about some comments of male testerone brain could only come up with, they calmly gave him a chance to say he was sorry...which he could not even fathom the meaning, so they blew his 16 wheeler or what ever to kingdom come.

Bottom line is I really get the tremendous pain you are in...as far as your guinea pig remark I am tired of feeling like a sideshow freak ....lets see what we can do to increase this woman's wobbly walk on the ledge of a building ....hang in there how you have managed to get where you are amazes me the only thing that I kept thinking of is your three childred, I hope they are not an audience to the battle between you both....
 
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