monkeynutz
New Here
Hi all
I have been reading through the threads on this subject and realised that dissociation is something I have done for my whole life due to various issues, prolonged CS abuse, family alcoholism etc but I still, quite frequently have these "episodes" where I space out in exactly the same way that another user described like being in a tunnel.
It can happen anywhere, whilst I am sat at home watching TV, driving (which is worrying) and in my therapy sessions to name a few. I think they have gotten more frequent because I recently started therapy and a lot of these memories are coming to the surface when I am least expecting it.
I do understand why I dissociated when I was young, to stop the pain and to physically survive each experience of abuse but I didn't exactly know I was doing it then if that makes sense. Now I know what it was, I am wondering, did I do it by choice or did my brain do it automatically? Did I physically choose to shut off?
I also worry that I am stuck with this "habit" of shutting off or mentally running away from any feelings that may arise because that is what it seems like I am doing. The second that I think or talk to my therapist about anything from my past I can feel myself almost stepping away from myself mentally. Is there any way I can actually begin to 'feel'?
The problem I am getting at is that I am at a point in my life where I so want to heal and move on from all of the bad past, hence the therapy, and I think that this is a huge barrier because if I cant feel things how am I supposed to live my life to the full like I want to- I don't want to run on 'numb' any more.
I am sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I am still learning to express things about myself but I would really appreciate any feedback about your experiences of dissociation and any pointers on how to control it if it is possible. I am just at the beginning of my therapy so she may be able to help too but I am not sure what her experience of ptsd is to be honest.
Thank you
Monkey:hello:
I have been reading through the threads on this subject and realised that dissociation is something I have done for my whole life due to various issues, prolonged CS abuse, family alcoholism etc but I still, quite frequently have these "episodes" where I space out in exactly the same way that another user described like being in a tunnel.
It can happen anywhere, whilst I am sat at home watching TV, driving (which is worrying) and in my therapy sessions to name a few. I think they have gotten more frequent because I recently started therapy and a lot of these memories are coming to the surface when I am least expecting it.
I do understand why I dissociated when I was young, to stop the pain and to physically survive each experience of abuse but I didn't exactly know I was doing it then if that makes sense. Now I know what it was, I am wondering, did I do it by choice or did my brain do it automatically? Did I physically choose to shut off?
I also worry that I am stuck with this "habit" of shutting off or mentally running away from any feelings that may arise because that is what it seems like I am doing. The second that I think or talk to my therapist about anything from my past I can feel myself almost stepping away from myself mentally. Is there any way I can actually begin to 'feel'?
The problem I am getting at is that I am at a point in my life where I so want to heal and move on from all of the bad past, hence the therapy, and I think that this is a huge barrier because if I cant feel things how am I supposed to live my life to the full like I want to- I don't want to run on 'numb' any more.
I am sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I am still learning to express things about myself but I would really appreciate any feedback about your experiences of dissociation and any pointers on how to control it if it is possible. I am just at the beginning of my therapy so she may be able to help too but I am not sure what her experience of ptsd is to be honest.
Thank you
Monkey:hello: