• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Do I Dissociate By Choice And Has Dissociation When I Was Little Shut Off My Feelings Forever?

Status
Not open for further replies.

monkeynutz

New Here
Hi all

I have been reading through the threads on this subject and realised that dissociation is something I have done for my whole life due to various issues, prolonged CS abuse, family alcoholism etc but I still, quite frequently have these "episodes" where I space out in exactly the same way that another user described like being in a tunnel.

It can happen anywhere, whilst I am sat at home watching TV, driving (which is worrying) and in my therapy sessions to name a few. I think they have gotten more frequent because I recently started therapy and a lot of these memories are coming to the surface when I am least expecting it.

I do understand why I dissociated when I was young, to stop the pain and to physically survive each experience of abuse but I didn't exactly know I was doing it then if that makes sense. Now I know what it was, I am wondering, did I do it by choice or did my brain do it automatically? Did I physically choose to shut off?

I also worry that I am stuck with this "habit" of shutting off or mentally running away from any feelings that may arise because that is what it seems like I am doing. The second that I think or talk to my therapist about anything from my past I can feel myself almost stepping away from myself mentally. Is there any way I can actually begin to 'feel'?

The problem I am getting at is that I am at a point in my life where I so want to heal and move on from all of the bad past, hence the therapy, and I think that this is a huge barrier because if I cant feel things how am I supposed to live my life to the full like I want to- I don't want to run on 'numb' any more.

I am sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I am still learning to express things about myself but I would really appreciate any feedback about your experiences of dissociation and any pointers on how to control it if it is possible. I am just at the beginning of my therapy so she may be able to help too but I am not sure what her experience of ptsd is to be honest.

Thank you

Monkey:hello:
 
The choice to dissociate happens almost instantaneously. It was something you did as a child to simply survive, and it was so effective that it became a regular defense for you to manage difficult things. That is why it is so hard to fight it off now--it's become second nature.

Reducing the dissociation is a process. Mindfulness is its opposite. The more you are able to simply be aware of what's going on inside you, the less often you will dissociate. It is not an easy thing to do and it will take many weeks and months of you learning to be present for that to become your new coping mechanism.
 
Thank you kers for your reply. It makes sense and it highlights how amazing our bodies and minds are really with what they are capable of to help us to survive the bad things that happen to us.

I am sorry to respond with another question- how do we actually become aware of what is going on inside of us if we automatically dissociate as a learned response to thinking about the bad things? I am going to my therapy session on Monday and I am going to ask her too but it would be interesting to hear what people here say too. I am not at a stage yet where I can pull myself out of the haze back to reality.

Thank you
 
We are all trying to understand this better. It sounds like you are putting a lot of effort into trying to change and heal. I don't know how it's been for other people, but for a long time--we're talking months and YEARS, here--my therapist encouraged me to simply notice when I was dissociating. Once I knew when I was gone, I could notice the difference between being present/not being present. Then he started to work with me on strategies for staying present, like grounding exercises (naming things I see/hear/smell, etc., mindful breathing, etc.). I still dissociate a lot, but it is much less distressing and less profound.

For me shame was a huge thing that kept the dissociation going. I was ashamed that I did it and that kept me from attending to it and changing it. I'm not sure it's like that for others, though.
 
Hi Monkey, I struggle with dissociation as well. One thing that has helped (but far from cured!) my episodes is to do some proper self-care. Dissociating is a coping mechanism. It serves a real purpose, to avoid feeling things that seem intolerable at first. But now that I've had some experiences that truly help with managing the feelings, the bad coping mechanisms seem far less appealing. I have found much greater and more genuine relief from acupuncture and restorative yoga, journaling, and talking intimately with a select few friends who understand what I'm going through. Maybe there's some activities that really makes you feel better too, that you can choose to do deliberately instead of 'finding yourself' doing them when you didn't really mean to. I've been trying to make more time for these self-care deliberate choices and while it has helped me function a lot this week, I still have agoraphobic, dissociation-filled times. It's hard to do away with bad habits, when there's nothing better to replace them with that addresses the underlying issue. My main goal right now is to work on feeling safe and not shut down completely in the face of fear.

-Nora
 
Good suggestion Nora.... to look to do more things that make you feel good, even if it's a slightly better feeling. Can be hard to when we get mired into this haze of dissociating. Feeling safe, and recognizing the good in anything is something you need to consciously do and eventually it will be second nature too. It has served you well, to dissociate. Now you seem to want to find more for you... enrichment to help you enjoy things and do more than survive but live. Some days survival is enough... I hope you have more moments of just living too. I have found a lot to appreciate over time... it's out there. ((hug)) wishing the best!
 
Hi all

Thank you all for replying, there is definitely some food for thought and some great suggestions. I was going to talk about this with my therapist today in my session but she cancelled due to being poorly so I will have to wait another whole week :crazy: to speak to her again.

Artista, one sentence in your post stood out
"do more than survive but live"
This is what I want! So badly. I know that I am just at the beginning of my therapy and my journey so to speak but I am very impatient about this. I feel that enough of my life has been taken away by others ( 13 years of CS Abuse and continuing abuse from an alcoholic mother) and I want to get control back of my life and start living it for me, not just getting through day to day, numbing or cutting off from the pain that my mind has obviously not felt ready to deal with yet. I must admit that I am quite resentful of the stolen years.

So I suppose, I am thankful for the dissociation, for all it has helped me to survive, but I think I need to start to feel to be able to heal. It is a scary thought.

Thank you

Monkey :wall:
 
Hi Monkeynutz!

Nice to see someone else from the UK on here.

I too have problems with dissociation ( not least spelling it), and thought I was doing so well keeping it in check, until yesterday when I lost it completely. My abuser was jailed last week, and I thought that would be me out of therapy and back to real life. I could not have been more wrong. It waited a week and then the symptoms all pounced on me at once when I had my guard down!

I feel better today- although not 'normal'. But that is another step in the right direction. I find the whole concept of PTSD and CPTSD fascinating, although something I would rather not have to deal with! Today my Therapist suggested I look up 'Trauma- window of tolerance' on the net. Sure enough there was ample evidence of the symptoms I have been experiencing this week and the reasons why. As he said, it underlines the fact that I am not 'going mad', which is exactly how I felt yesterday.

I hope your therapist gets better soon, so you can fire all the questions at her next week!!!

Best Wishes

Lucy x
 
Hi Lucy :hello:

Thank you for replying.

I also find it fascinating albeit terrifying though too but it makes me feel so good that I'm not on my own! Hey don't worry about not feeling "normal"- what is normal when we have ptsd?!:crazy: I have also worried about going mad but my therapist assured me early on that that was not the case which made me give a huge sigh of relief.

I'm still dissociating a lot but my therapist doesn't seem to think its anything to panic about and she has promised me we will work through it so I suppose i'v got to try and trust her.

Looking back its been a while since you replied on here, I hope you are feeling OK at the moment.

Kind regards

Monkey x
 
Hi Monkeynutz!

I'm good thanks. Had a reasonably peaceful week, except for a night in a hotel, alone with a power cut, but I've written about that in another post. I was worried that it would trigger another series of events, but once I got home I was able to put it into perspective. And I now keep a torch at my side!!! ( Actually downloaded the app for my phone so it is NEVER more than a few feet from me!)

When I look back to last week when I was bad I find it quite frightening. I don't want to go back to feeling like that again, but keep being assured that it WILL happen. The thing is to have a plan to deal with it, and bring myself back asap. I guess it is getting better. Back in the spring it took weeks. Now it is just a matter of days. My therapist was able to see me dis-ing in front of him. So he quickly and effectively dragged me back. I remember little about that session except that he told me 10 or more times to take my medication ( an extra dose) there and then. It certainly helped and after a few days on an increased dose I have returned to my usual.

My T. has asked in the past, when I dis. where do I go? and How do I get there? They are hard to answer. I think I go out the window but I don't know where to. However I am not always indoors, so if I am already out I have no idea.

My T. has spent a lot of time talking about feelings. Such as ' what does your left leg feel at the moment?'. Ok so I can say it is numb, or cold or tense or whatever. Then, however, he says 'what colour does that feeling have?'. It makes me so frustrated that I want to hit him. I cannot comprehend the question and told him so. 'Don't worry about it' he says and then next time we go through the same senario. Since the last session I have told him on the phone that I JUST DON'T GET IT!! Do you have similar questions that you struggle with, repeatedly?

Cheers
Lucy x
 
Thanks for posting Lucy - I'm going through similar, and struggling to find a balance between connecting with emotion, and getting in a head spiral about worrying that I can't, which often leaves me more out of body than before. For me I'm finding that the more I try and just rest, letting it come, the more I disassociate, so I effectively need to balance doing with being. I am chasing myself on this one, but it comes to chasing myself away, so I'm now trying to understand that with every moment that comes, that I can deal with that then, but for now, focus on what I doing things, that can in part absorb me, which means something physical.

I so often get into a trap of rest rest rest, but then I feel I could sleep forever, which isn't helping me live my life, so I'm not putting undue pressure on myself, just having the intention to incorporate more balance in my life with food, physical exercise/doing things, and getting creative, and keeping a simple safe routine and then incorporating new things into it, so there are perpetual interesting things for me to engage in more fully.

Have patience with yourself - mine has been getting worse since my therapy, but then I've been clinging onto it being fixed because I now know what's happening, but unfortunately it's not working like that for me..

Big hugs to you, Elisa :) x
 
Hi Elisa,
Its good to hear from somebody else who really understands.

I too sometimes feel I just need more sleep - even though I have had loads and slept soundly. I guess it is another way of escaping from the world!

This difficulty in feeling/recognising / understanding emotions is just so hard. I cannot believe that I am an adult struggling with what, in a way , could be considered normal toddler behaviour. Is that not why they have temper tantrums - because of their frustrations at understanding and making sense of the world around them?

If you don't mind me asking what country are you in? I am in the UK.

Best Wishes,
Lucy x
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top