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Do i see t one last time? $ :-(

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Deleted member 37474

My therapist is having me to switch to an EMDR therapist. I irrationally feel blindsided/abandoned/like I wasn't "achieving" well enough for her.
When I called to set up an appointment with the new T, she didn't call back. I left another message with her and my old T and talked to the office people. Without an appointment on my calendar I felt myself sinking, plus I need to make my summer work schedule and don't want to work on a therapy day.
The new therapist called me from her vacation to set it up. But while we were doing this I broke down crying (never once cried with my T). I told her how I feel abandoned by my T and that I know it is irrational. She pointed out that this is probably related to a piece from my trauma, which it is. She was so kind and calming. My appointment isn't for 4 weeks, and I told her that I don't know if I can make it that long. She said that I may want to keep my last scheduled appointment with my current T, if anything, just to resolve my feelings. I am limited on copay appointments. I only have 10 left til January. I feel like if I do go, what is the point? I don't want to dig into my trauma right now. My flashbacks have been extremely bad lately, my anxiety and depression feelings are constant, self harm thoughts and some actions have entered the picture. What do I do and how can I just shut this down for a month?
 
I'd go, not to dig into any of your trauma stuff but to end the work with your T. Use the time to ask anything you didn't get to ask (including whether you can go back in future), to say anything you haven't had the chance to say and to talk about feeling abandoned. You don't need to be deep in trauma work for it to be useful and just giving yourself an ending time with her may settle a lot of how you're feeling.
 
Maybe just go and talk about feeling abandoned and have a proper goodbye. Get that piece taken care of. No, it may not take away all that you're feeling but you will be able to process a bit more of it and have some support to help you through it as well as form a plan of what you can do before you see your new T. Get some help. Worry about the copays later. This seems really important and I would HATE not having a final session with my T. Even if I cried the entire time I would need it. To honor our work together.
 
Maybe just go and talk about feeling abandoned and have a proper goodbye. Get that piece taken...
If I talk about the abandoned feeling, it will dig deep into my trauma. A really f*cked up past reality of me wanting my rapist to stay with me after the horror of what he did. Who thinks that way? This really makes me hate myself. And this is stuff we touched on at the beginning of therapy but never resolved. She said I was trying to change the reality of what happened. I don't understand how this is all transferring onto her having me switch therapists though.
 
Why are you moving to do EMDR?
My therapist feels that emdr would help me heal faster. I think that she feels that therapy should resolve stuff in less than a year. She doesn't believe in long term therapy. I don't know. She said that we would still be processing this stuff a year from now? I thought it was helping me. Maybe when the team met on my case, they thought it would be a better plan for me. Maybe cbt wasn't working. The new T did say that emdr does reach a part of the brain the talk therapy can't. Even though my old T has ptsd on her credentials I didn't always get the impression that she understands what it entails. It concerned her that each week I was coming in with new triggers. Made me feel like I am failing. Like shame on me for "adding triggers?" But I think they were coming up because we were moving into different parts of the trauma. The switch is probably for the best. The new therapist talked about what I should do to care for myself during the wait. She said that she will teach me tools to help me handle things during emdr and that she won't jump in until she knows that I trust her and can safely do it. I really like her. The other dr did help me deal with current work situations. And helped me talk about the trauma, so there was some good there.
 
I think long term cbt isn't that great for trauma - it's a get in, get sorted, get out kind of therapy so I can see why she'd want to try EMDR. My T tends to work with my kind of trauma in a softly softly kind of way and I've gone through some of the same stuff in terms of new triggers or memories.

You haven't failed at therapy, it sounds more like she can't offer you a relational style of therapy. Keep the bits that worked for you and value them. You don't need to deal with your abandoned feelings with her if you think it might open stuff up for you - you can get closure on your therapy any way you chose, or you may decide to save your money and wait for new T. Whatever you decide is fine.
 
I wish I could just call her and her actually call me back to get closure. I asked her if she would go with me to the first appointment, and she said yes, but I don't think that I need that or even want that now.
 
I think a call is definitely an option if it is something that doesn't feel too triggering.

You haven't failed at therapy, it sounds more like she can't offer you a relational style of therapy.

I agree with this. My T definitely takes a relational approach and I've been fortunate enough to be able to see her on and off for 10 years (the actual time we've logged together, scrunched up, would look more like 5 ish 'cause, well, sh*t keeps happening). She also is EMDR trained and both approaches have been indispensable in our work together.

I am sorry you have to endure this transition AND have to wait four weeks to do so. I'm offering a hand to hold in the interim!!
 
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