MoonGoddessHeart
Learning
What Happened?
I can’t express enough what it feels like to be raped. And the act of violence isn’t based on a sliding scale of which ‘sin’ is greater than the other. No, in the realm of sexual assault every sin is the same. Accepting my rape is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. And it is to this day continually impacting my life in negative ways.
Growing up Christian and having extremely conservative values about my sexuality - The day I fully accepted and understood my tragedy, I think I lost a large part of my mental stability. It has been a daily challenge accepting that somehow it wasn’t my fault. That somehow I wasn’t to blame. And sometimes there are just the flashbacks. The flashback of him ramming himself into me and using my body exactly the way he wants.
At night, when I sleep with my boyfriend, I can’t help but feel like I need to be on guard. If my boyfriend moves and inch, I wake up gasping in terror. NO, not again my subconscious screams. I won’t go through it again. This time, I’ll be prepared. Then I begin to shake and cry hysterically. Somedays, the pain is so real the thought of death sounds good. It is like the grim reaper was late the first time, so as a result, he hopes to capture my soul and drag me back to the underworld.
I live in constant fear.
I don’t know how to shake it. I’m afraid for my life every day and the person I’m most afraid of is my boyfriend. I think it is because I trust him. It is the weirdest anomaly once you think about it. He is the first person I’ve had sex with in two years after I realized I was raped. Before I could hardly kiss a man without feeling the like a part of me was dying a little bit inside, and I would immediately start exploding into tears.
How can you be scared of someone you trust? Because where there is trust there is always the opportunity for mistrust and betrayal. It is hard for me to believe that people are still inherently good. That when they’re hurting and make mistakes they aren’t evil like the act that was committed in my life.
I’m afraid of being controlled.
I hate men and because of it I have terrible relationships with them. I don’t want to be controlled. I don’t want to feel even more powerless than I already feel. So, I create an environment of chaos and control where there is never an equal balance and there is always a competition.
When I first started having sex again, my mind had so much anxiety about the situation that it would create uncontrollable thoughts about power and dominance. I had intrusive thoughts where I looked at my new boyfriend and told myself that having sex with him was something I had no consent in. I was reliving my experience over and over and over again. I had become a slave to my experience and my mind. I looked at sex as if I was being enslaved. Every time, we would try to have intimacy I created a situation where my boyfriend was the oppressor and I was the victim. I didn’t know a better way. That is how my brain organized what happened to me. Sex was an act of power and control. Not love.
It is hard for me to see my boyfriend
Because I live in constant fear and my brain has organized the prime motivation of relationships or intimacy as power and control. It is hard for me to see my boyfriend. It is hard for me to feel love. Instead, I’m just scared. I am angry. I explode in anger all the time. I don’t see that all he wants to do is love me. I say the most vindictive and mean things I could possibly tell someone. And it all because I can’t seem to shake what happened to me. I can’t let it go. The pain is still here every day. When we fight instead of compassionately understanding what he needs from me… I approach every situation as if he has no rights. And I don’t know if it is because I felt like I had no rights.
I need help.
I need help. I need to feel safe again. I need to know that there are people in this world that I can trust and they won’t hurt me. I need to know that if I open up and let a person in that they’ll treat my heart well. That I don’t need to live my life feeling like I have to constantly protect myself. That every time I feel a threat, I retreat to a place emotional numbing and lock down. I want to feel love. I want to experience love. I just need help.
I can’t express enough what it feels like to be raped. And the act of violence isn’t based on a sliding scale of which ‘sin’ is greater than the other. No, in the realm of sexual assault every sin is the same. Accepting my rape is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. And it is to this day continually impacting my life in negative ways.
Growing up Christian and having extremely conservative values about my sexuality - The day I fully accepted and understood my tragedy, I think I lost a large part of my mental stability. It has been a daily challenge accepting that somehow it wasn’t my fault. That somehow I wasn’t to blame. And sometimes there are just the flashbacks. The flashback of him ramming himself into me and using my body exactly the way he wants.
At night, when I sleep with my boyfriend, I can’t help but feel like I need to be on guard. If my boyfriend moves and inch, I wake up gasping in terror. NO, not again my subconscious screams. I won’t go through it again. This time, I’ll be prepared. Then I begin to shake and cry hysterically. Somedays, the pain is so real the thought of death sounds good. It is like the grim reaper was late the first time, so as a result, he hopes to capture my soul and drag me back to the underworld.
I live in constant fear.
I don’t know how to shake it. I’m afraid for my life every day and the person I’m most afraid of is my boyfriend. I think it is because I trust him. It is the weirdest anomaly once you think about it. He is the first person I’ve had sex with in two years after I realized I was raped. Before I could hardly kiss a man without feeling the like a part of me was dying a little bit inside, and I would immediately start exploding into tears.
How can you be scared of someone you trust? Because where there is trust there is always the opportunity for mistrust and betrayal. It is hard for me to believe that people are still inherently good. That when they’re hurting and make mistakes they aren’t evil like the act that was committed in my life.
I’m afraid of being controlled.
I hate men and because of it I have terrible relationships with them. I don’t want to be controlled. I don’t want to feel even more powerless than I already feel. So, I create an environment of chaos and control where there is never an equal balance and there is always a competition.
When I first started having sex again, my mind had so much anxiety about the situation that it would create uncontrollable thoughts about power and dominance. I had intrusive thoughts where I looked at my new boyfriend and told myself that having sex with him was something I had no consent in. I was reliving my experience over and over and over again. I had become a slave to my experience and my mind. I looked at sex as if I was being enslaved. Every time, we would try to have intimacy I created a situation where my boyfriend was the oppressor and I was the victim. I didn’t know a better way. That is how my brain organized what happened to me. Sex was an act of power and control. Not love.
It is hard for me to see my boyfriend
Because I live in constant fear and my brain has organized the prime motivation of relationships or intimacy as power and control. It is hard for me to see my boyfriend. It is hard for me to feel love. Instead, I’m just scared. I am angry. I explode in anger all the time. I don’t see that all he wants to do is love me. I say the most vindictive and mean things I could possibly tell someone. And it all because I can’t seem to shake what happened to me. I can’t let it go. The pain is still here every day. When we fight instead of compassionately understanding what he needs from me… I approach every situation as if he has no rights. And I don’t know if it is because I felt like I had no rights.
I need help.
I need help. I need to feel safe again. I need to know that there are people in this world that I can trust and they won’t hurt me. I need to know that if I open up and let a person in that they’ll treat my heart well. That I don’t need to live my life feeling like I have to constantly protect myself. That every time I feel a threat, I retreat to a place emotional numbing and lock down. I want to feel love. I want to experience love. I just need help.