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Do You Feel Trapped Inside Your Head?

Discussion in 'Discussion' started by 2notbedefeated, Dec 28, 2008.

  1. 2notbedefeated

    2notbedefeated New Member

    I just wondered if others feel this same way. Can anyone relate to the feeling of being trapped inside your head and not being able to "get out"? Does that sound weriod?

    I feel like a hostage to my thoughts, emotions (ugh, big time) flashbacks, memories, nightmares, a body that feels like an empty shell or vessel.

    I wanted to share how thankful I am for this forum. For it is proving to be such a help to me and my family.

    Over the past several months when my PTSD episodes and flashbacks, emotional fugues, memories, dreams, nightmares, self-injuring, and old compulsions started surfacing. I truly felt I was going to lose it. I felt on the brink of insanity.

    I have had such confusion and chaos going on in my head. I have felt many times like I am trapped inside my head and could not get out? Boy, there are times when think I just might have to be hospitalized because I just felt so much panic and fear, wanting to run away, to escape all this stuff.

    However, it seems no matter where I go my abuser's "shadow" follows and haunts me.

    I have had such intense emotions that I just felt I couldn't contain anymore. I was driving my therapist "nuts," if you know what I mean. I called him frequently, sent e-mails, occasionally he had to fit me in with a third appointment during the week, because I just felt like I was losing it.

    The memories were flooding (still do alittle) and I didn't know what to do with them. I was remembering things for the very first time.

    It still feels very much like I'm still in this hazy, foggy daze at times. The support group for adult survivors of sexual abuse in my area put me on the waiting list, but there were 3 names ahead of me.

    I felt I was going to blow up into a zillion little pieces. I felt totally shattered all over the floor and unable to pick up the pieces I saw before me.

    Like Humpty Dumpty who fell from the wall. I had no outlet for all that was in my head concerning my thoughts, memories, feelings, etc.. I feel so "crazed" at times.

    Being able to know that I am not alone in this, not that I want to invite or wish this pain on anyone - I wouldn't, ..... but...... to know others have "gone before me" relieves some of my fears.

    To realize that I am sane in my insanity. It helps so much to know that there are a few others who struggle with this PTSD stuff. To realize that there is atleast one other person who could understand some of what was happening to me helps so much.

    I wouldn't have to "try" to explain to another person UNsuccessfully for the 100th time what I was going through. These attempts to do so get very exhausting at times.

    To have encouragement without the heavy weight of expectation that I had to try and be, try and do, to try and please others, especially family and certain "friends" is freeing for me.

    People just don't get it. That is a lonely feeling. But, thanks to all of you it has lessened some of that loneliness inside me. Thank you all again.

    I am attempting to do this without medication. Please know that I am not critizicing anyone who is, because I know that meds can be necessary. I do have a subingual klonopin that I take if I just can't bear things anymore at any given moment, plus sleeping pills.

    I try very hard not to take klonopin too frequently. This site is really helping me to get through those crazy moments.

    I use to be on 8 diffferent psych. meds. and it has taken me over 4 years to get off everything except the sleeping pills. While on them I just could not feel a thing. I felt very numb and had very little emotion. Plus, I was having cardiac and breathing problems while being on some of them.

    I appreciate all of you for being transparent with your own traumas and pain so that me and others would not have to "go it" alone, and so that together we can journey towards wholeness rather than the horror of hidden secrets and silence that can destroy.

    To accept one another for where they are, where they were, and where they are going, and how we can possibly learn from one another in this process, this is an awesome thing. :)
    Blues in NYC likes this.
  2. skye

    skye New Member

    I really can relate to your feeling of being trapped inside your head. I hate the fact that no matter what I do I can't get away from my own mind. I have tried everything from drugs to cutting to lesson my flashbacks, dreams, panic, and overall fear. All this has done is added to my trauma. I too am very glad i found this forum. Being able to talk to others that understand where i am coming from has been great. Its so nice to be able to finally have some sort of support in my life surrounding my PTSD. For the first time in 23 years I have started counseling and i truely believe I wouldn't of had the courage without the support of the people on this forum.
  3. SGT Bilko

    SGT Bilko New Member

    Trapped outside my head

    I don't really feel locked in my head at all to be perfectly honest. I totaly feel trapped outside my head. I feel like more time is spent in hypervigillance mode trying to watch out for things that are going to kill me than on internal thought. Although when i sleep and take meds sometimes i get what I call "Stuck" in a dream. So i can't wake up but a lot of me wants to so i can check the perimeter.
  4. TLight

    TLight VIP Member

    I can totally relate to everything you are going through. It is the purest form of hell anyone could ever imagine.

    Very few people can relate to how difficult healing is. I congratulate you on pursuing this journey and know that we are here for you.

    I've been where you are at..........for many years. I do take meds now because I realize the stress has severely altered my brain chemistry and I need them. Probably will for the rest of my time here......but I"m OK with that. Like you, I rarely take the Klonopin, but I do take a low dose of Seroquel which seems to even out my emotional storms and makes functioning a bit easier.

    The physical affects of what you are experiencing are intense. Be very nice to you, gentle, don't overload yourself with responsibilities. Healing is hugely important and the most important task we will ever undertake...........be good to you and give yourself periods of relief where you can soak in some sunshine.

    Its sunny here in the NORthwest.........finally, for a day! I'm going out on the deck with my coffee and I'm going to feel good after 40 years of insanity..........

    Keep in touch......
  5. firehouse9south

    firehouse9south VIP Member

    I talk to you often and I'm always here for you when you need support.
    The internal struggle in your mind at times can be too much.
    Your always trying to work these problems out and sometimes it is overwhelming.
    You have been strong and stood up to your obligations and that is commendable.
    Stay strong I know you can.

    Take care.

    FIRE.
  6. kers

    kers VIP Member

    I know what you mean. I often feel stuck in my head when I'm playing out trauma stuff in my head, like shaming myself and reacting to that as a victim. It sucks.

    I'm glad you are feeling better with fewer meds. Every step can be a step forward.

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