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Do you get tired by the futility

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mylunareclipse

MyPTSD Pro
Do you ever feel tired by the futility of it all?
I feel like I have gotten so much better at handling stressors in some ways.
This week I talked about something hard in therapy and the first day and a half I handled it beautifully. I was so proud of myself.
And the bam.
Here I am scared. Crying. Dissociated. Unable to move or do anything.
Does it ever truly get better?
Everytime this happens again and again, I lose a little more hope.
 
This is part of why I think hope is bullshit.

Instead of continuing to be proud of yourself over what ACTUALLY happened? You handled things really well and are now struggling a bit, you're gutted over it wasn't as good as you'd hoped it would be. In fact, are in despair thinking what's the point of it all. When reality is you did well, and are still doing well. But no, hope has to come along and kick you in the balls, saying you didn't do good enough, will never do good enough, it will never get better... Because you're not where you'd hoped to be. f*ck hope. You're going great. Right here, right now, you're still doing great. Not being where you want to be, doesn't mean you're not doing really well for right where you are right now. Take hope's dangling promises it likes to snatch away and tell it to shove it. You're fighting through your now, and you're kicking ass doing so.
 
Thanks for the support! Really needed it!

@Friday . Nice perspective on hope indeed. I used to have this quote in my head "the trouble with hope, is not that it's the last one to die, but that it's the first one to be born."

I thought that going through the up and down cycle would make me stronger. but it's making me realize also that I am really messed up. feel so chronic. it's not just gonna go away as I "try a littler harder". it's a real thing.
 
You are doing this! We can let all sorts of words throw us into despair.
The truth is...this is a roller coaster. We are learning how to live, without our feelings telling us to hell with it.

We push thru. We do it again and again and again. Its harder than we ever imagined.
So...we do it anyway. We don't have to like it Or even always understand it. We just do it.
We've already lived thru the hard part. The actual experiences.
We will never understand our own strength to thrive if we don't just do what needs to be done.
The best revenge is getting healthy! We do what we gotta do.
 
I have been feeling so suicidal in the last two days.
I feel so broken.
I feel like a freak and a weak link to humanity.
Everyone goes through stuff and they can move on. I am just so weak.
It makes sense no-one wants to be near me.
 
I know I won't feel this way forever. But I feel like a half person. Half the time I spend fighting this demons, while other people get to enjoy life. I have completely isolated myself as I cannot even predict when I will feel this way. I just feel so tired of everything. Thank you for your support.
 
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