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Do You Live For Trouble?

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jmni

MyPTSD Pro
Now that I am 32 and almost 33 I look back on the time of my life in my mid-twenties when my symptoms peaked and were at their worst. After I left a hostile environment, I was still a mess and could not be on my feet alone. I hated everyone because I was very focused on the abuse, cruelty, and pain that they caused. It was a nightmare and ptsd is practically impossible to control. BUT, I did not appreciate the good people who I encountered afterwards, enough... I mean I had a second chance at life and I blew it because I was sick but also because I was a big baby. And ... I am full of regret. It's so hard to not hate these people (in my case at least). But it's useless to give them any benefit of the doubt. Can anyone relate? I feel so much loss and I am lonely. I think I missed my chance with the one person who may of loved me. Now what? Another complex?
 
Almost 33 is young @jmni .

I relate to almost everything you express in your post, it also describes the pattern in my 20s. But regret is, unfortunately, part and parcel of every life, no matter how healthy or how broken (even God 'regretted' and 'grieved'). So is loss and loneliness. And no, you did not have only chance at love. There will be others, and one will stay.

I've never been involved in a 12 step program, but I've always liked the idea of going back and making amends. Do you think it might be worthwhile?


Now what? Another complex?
This made me laugh. I know that feeling - it's almost as if these things start breeding and begetting their own.
 
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I've never been involved in a 12 step program, but I've always liked the idea of going back and making amends. Do you think it might be worthwhile?

What I really meant is that I hated my family so much, I became immersed in their sociopathic games. When I had the opportunity I should of walked away and never looked back. But its almost impossible not to hate them because I can instantly remember something so enraging, which sucks me back in. But despite everything that happened and leaving the toxic environment, I returned to it like a fool.

So, with those people I have no reason to make amends. They are very cruel and sadistic and caused me a lot of loss. There are some people I could make amends with but not that many.
 
I had to disconnect from my family of origin. It was so very hard and I missed them so much. But when I recontacted a few of them they seemed to bring out the worst of me, so sadly I had to walk away again.

It is very hard to cut off family, but so many people have chosen to do so for their families of their own and to stay sane.

I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do.
 
What stops you from walking away? It can be different things for different people, so if you were willing to say what it is for you it would be easier to respond.
 
Oh, at this point I have walked away. But I haven't fully turned my back. I am still bothered by thoughts of them.
 
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