Lost At Sea
New Here
For the first three months after my initial trauma I had to bury my feelings. For the first six weeks, there was additional ongoing trauma which only made it worse. Because I buried everything I could, it took a couple of years before anything started coming out. But when it did, I started having sex with anyone I could. I couldn't say no to anything, I don't think I wanted to say no. I was having sex with guys who worked for me, while at work, without using condoms and I wasn't looking for pleasure. I kept looking for someone who would hurt me sexually. In my head I was hurting so bad that I thought I could only find relief by making my body hurt in the same way. I wanted to make the pain in my head and body match. In a way I was lucky because none of the guys I found took advantage of me. And that frustrated me because I wanted them to. I was definitely trying to recreate my trauma and I never could.
I wanted to lash out at people, to physically attack them even but I nearly always managed to keep that suppressed because I worked in a leadership position. I constantly struggle with running people down, but that may be a learned behavior from my childhood. I have spent a lot of time hiking in back country/wilderness areas off-trail and by myself, sometimes in the winter and often without telling anyone where I am going or even that I am going. While hiking I have, at different times, gotten hypothermia and nearly fallen off a 800' cliff and none of it really mattered to me. I don't know if the lashing out/attacking others and the risky hiking is necessarily recreating my trauma, but it definitely comes from it.
Today, nearly 10 years later, I still think about all the above, but I don't engage in much of it. I actually crave sexual harm, and, when I'm being honest with myself, I would still like to find that elusive someone who would make me hurt physically the same way I hurt in my head. I keep thinking that if I can ever find that then maybe I'll finally be able to put it all behind me, but I know that is probably not true. I think the reason I am able to control it as much as I do is partially because I am so strong-willed, partially because I've literally had years of practice, and partially a lack of opportunity. I certainly don't have any answers for anyone else on how to do it.
I wanted to lash out at people, to physically attack them even but I nearly always managed to keep that suppressed because I worked in a leadership position. I constantly struggle with running people down, but that may be a learned behavior from my childhood. I have spent a lot of time hiking in back country/wilderness areas off-trail and by myself, sometimes in the winter and often without telling anyone where I am going or even that I am going. While hiking I have, at different times, gotten hypothermia and nearly fallen off a 800' cliff and none of it really mattered to me. I don't know if the lashing out/attacking others and the risky hiking is necessarily recreating my trauma, but it definitely comes from it.
Today, nearly 10 years later, I still think about all the above, but I don't engage in much of it. I actually crave sexual harm, and, when I'm being honest with myself, I would still like to find that elusive someone who would make me hurt physically the same way I hurt in my head. I keep thinking that if I can ever find that then maybe I'll finally be able to put it all behind me, but I know that is probably not true. I think the reason I am able to control it as much as I do is partially because I am so strong-willed, partially because I've literally had years of practice, and partially a lack of opportunity. I certainly don't have any answers for anyone else on how to do it.