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General Does a 'sufferer' needs a 'supporter'?

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America15

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Hey

I try to keep it as short as possible. Maybe my title sounds harsh but I'm really asking myself this question right now.
I've read so much here about the sufferer who take off, break up or just want to be left alone. I truly believe deep down inside they all want someone to support them and someone they can count on but most likely they push those ppl away.
I have experience with CPTSD and therefore I know they (military ppl) are trained to be by themselves and not to relate on someone. I know my husband loves me and needs me. He also wants to be with me but he can't because of his mental state of mind. He is isolating himself, not reaching out to me unless it's necessary or he can't even say something nice or loving everything what he text me seems to be cold and plain. So not himself.
What is it that makes them feel they are better off without a supporter? I know many feel guilty putting their loved ones through this time, others feel overwhelmed.
I would love to hear more opinions or even experience.

Please don't take it personal. I don't want to stereotype ppl or trivialize them when I talk about "them" or "all". I know everyone has a story and a reason. I'm just a supporter/wife who tries to understand.
Thank you so much
 
I'll jump in though I'm probably not the best person to respond. I have cptsd. I don't have the wiring to form emotionally intimate relationships. I'm working on that but it's slow going. When my partner dropped dead fourteen years ago I made the decision not to jump into another relationship until I built the skills. Still working on it but getting closer.

So for me, I have stayed away because the quality of relationship I am able to sustain is crap and it's not fair to the other person. I consider a lot of the 'accepted' PTSD relationship behaviours abusive. Isolating. Blaming. Withholding intimacy. I refuse to be a perpetrator.

Then there's also it's easier alone. Lonely. But easier in that I only worry about me. There are weeks I wish someone was here to make food and run errands and coddle me. But not having that has made me rely on myself and made me stronger. Oh and I don't have to deal with the shame of being needy or the paranoia that someone else will f*ck me over and leave.

My two cents.
 
What is it that makes them feel they are better off without a supporter?

Hi @America15 , I'm not sure I'm the most qualified person to answer, but here goes; I suppose the reasons could be as varied as there are people. Not being used to having a supporter; and yes, guilt of poentially causing pain, and fear and overwhelm for one's self, when in it; recogition it would be easier with someone without ptsd; a deep sense of not being worthy of having it in the first place.

This says it better than I ever could:
A Poem To My Wife With Ptsd
 
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I think it feels incredibly isolating, because people in general don't seem to understand why a seemingly normal person can no longer be 'normal'. They don't understand how draining it is to be around other people and in public places. It just feels safer to shut people out. I think a fair amount of people have no clue how this completely changes your life. It's not an easy thing to understand.

It's also not an easy job to be a spouse to someone going through this. I know it's really hard on my whole family. My husband and I communicate well, but there are times where I shut him out. I think a lot of it is when I can't process enough to verbalize anything. It's kind of like your brain feeling so overloaded, it's hard to know where to begin to help someone understand. I have a hard time understanding it myself, it's a very vulnerable feeling. Is your husband dissociative at all? For me, it's like going numb.

It's really hard to explain how your mind changes. I have CPTSD and part of the time I feel like I'm mourning the time of when I used to feel safe and normal around people in general. Now it takes a tremendous amount of emotional energy to go anywhere or be around people, because I have to really focus to tune out my surroundings. Sometimes it's not as hard, but other times I get immediately overloaded. If I get triggered I have to be able to instantly leave.

I don't think sufferers necessarily think they are better off without a supporter. They may push them away, because they're afraid if they allow themselves to be comforted that they will fall apart and they can't do that. I agree that also there are times that I feel that they are better off without me, because my CPTSD causes so much upheaval at times and I feel like they deserve so much more. I just want them to be happy and healthy.

But to be a supporter is tremendously difficult day in and day out. The more consistent and stable you are, the safer the sufferer is going to feel. This means it's really important to do your own self-care. Being a supporter means a lot of sacrifice, but also being able to balance that with your own self-care.
I know they (military ppl) are trained to be by themselves and not to relate on someone.
Do you mean 'rely' on? I don't know anything about military training, but I can imagine that it's an important survival skill to be able to accomplish what needs to be done either independently or as part of a team.

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful, but I appreciate you reaching out to understand to help your husband. He's incredibly fortunate to have your support. I wish you both the best!
 
Thank you all for your experience. It's interesting that it all sounds similar.

@Gia1019 yes I meant rely sorry my english is not that good. I saw his car and 3 big bags of clothes in it. Somewhat like a homeless but it does not seem like he has a problem with it. I remember he "lived" in his car before for 1 or 2 days in a row before we met.
I gave him a lot of stability but also believe took away lots of responsibility because I did everything for him. He told me he feels bad around me and that he cannot be the husband he wants to be. That's why he took off to sort things out. That's 9 weeks ago. We always had great communication but during those 9 weeks he changed. At the beginning he sent goodnight messages, I love you and called me "baby". After week 3 when he told me he does not want to be with me it suddenly stopped. In His "divorce" email he sent me 3 weeks ago he said about 7 times how much he loves me and even called me "baby" again. I try to leave him alone as much as possible, try to remind him that I'm here for him and that I love him.
Unfortunately I have no guarantee if he comes back to me or not even though he's making progress with going back to school and finding a job. He even informed me about it without asking. But he is very cold in his messages. Your answer was very very helpful thank you so much!
 
I'm replying to this thread because it's the most recent I can find. I am a supporter who is engaged to a sufferer. We've been through a lot in the 4 years we've been together. Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD because I've invested so much in the relationship. I've become extremely insecure because of the lack of sexual desire and I have no one to talk to. I'm hoping to connect with other supporters because I know they will understand what we're going through. We want to stay together even though it's been rocky lately. I think environment plays a big part in a sufferer needing a supporter because I think they want to deal with it on their own, but deep down, they like to have someone to help them out with the shopping and be stable, taking care of themselves.
 
Hey

I try to keep it as short as possible. Maybe my title sounds harsh but I'm really asking myself...
I just stumbled on this post and I love the question. I often wondered the same thing. Not to minimize the illness by any means, but you’re right, is my trying to be supportive in vain? I know the symptoms and all, but I also would want my ex to know, I’m here for you. Whatever you need and how ever you need me, I’m here. I LOVE HIM with all of my heart.
 
It’s a start. Wherever I need to go from here, I’ll find out on my own.
 
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