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Relationship Does Anyone Else Ever Feel….

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Wastinglight

MyPTSD Pro
….like you and your sufferer are two actors in a play, portraying a happy couple – except your feelings are real and theirs aren’t?
 
I think my sufferer's feelings are real - at that precise moment of time. When he says he loves me I think he means it. BUT it doesn't mean he'll still love me in two seconds time. When he is stressed and triggered he behaves as if he hates me. And I can't help feeling that in THAT precise moment of time that is also true. Sigh!
 
Thanks @Sighs. Feeling very unwanted lately - on every level. We spend every weekend together, but half the time I feel like he's counting down the seconds til I leave. And the last two weeks he's cancelled on catching up with me during the week. He almost acts like spending time with me is a tedious obligation rather than something he should be enjoying, and looking forward to! I know it's been a stressful few weeks for him, but I also feel like asking me not to come around when he feels overloaded is not going to be a workable strategy in the long-term. How is it going to work when we're living together? There's always going to be stress in our lives. Surely there's a way we can tackle difficult times together?

Feeling very unimportant as well. He hasn't bothered to send me a message since yesterday afternoon, but he's been happily chatting on social media with his friends this morning. He knows I feel upset and disconnected from him when he cancels, so he's probably avoiding talking to me today. I try to be cool about it, but I feel bottom of the pile a lot of the time. Admittedly he's only cancelled on me twice in the last few months, but I'm starting to worry that he's about to go into another withdrawal period.

I'm trying to give him space, but I also can't ignore my own needs. Going to have to choke down my feelings and try to have a calm discussion with him about it on the weekend. So far in this relationship we've been successful in discussing issues without letting drama intrude (which I am amazed at, given how out of control my emotions are a lot of the time), but I feel like it's getting harder. Feeling very neglected....
 
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He told me recently that I don't stress him much - it's everything else in his life that's stressful at the moment. It doesn't feel fair that I should have to be the one who pays the price for other people/things stressing him!
 
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No - its not fair at all. Whatever the issue and whomever is actually at fault I'm always the one that wears it. Its really hard not to take that personally - especially when it happens time and time again!

Hugs!
 
You said it - it totally sucks. Hugs back if you want them. Hope things are going well with your guy at the moment.
 
After just feeling so unimportant and so neglected for awhile my sufferer is pulling me back in hard. He actually told me I was beautiful today. In two years he's said I was sexy or good looking but never beautiful. We cut up and giggled and just teased each other. I admit to thinking in my head, when are you gonna shut me out again?
 
It messes with your head doesn't it?

I was looking for reassurance this morning after a rough evening yesterday and asked him if he loved me. He held me tight and said "of course I do - I've told you that" and in my head a little voice said "yep - and you've also told me that you don't". In 18 months he must have said "love you" hundreds of times - at least two or three times every day. So why does the one time he stood there and said "I don't love you" somehow sound lounder in my mind?
 
Gosh i know. I feel mind boggled. D has never told me he didn't want me or didn't care for me. He's used harsh insults before and later apologized for being emotional. He just shuts me out is the main thing. He pushes me away gently. Even that hurts so much. It's just weird to laugh and hear how much he wants to be with me one day and how happy i make him to all of a sudden he's distant for days. Goes against everything your brain knows about love.
 
Thanks for your perspective @Thunderstorm. Lately my guy will often only give me affection or attention when I ask for it, and he never tells me I'm beautiful unsolicited unless I say it to him first (and even then not always) - or gives me any indication that I mean anything to him a lot of the time. A few weeks ago he sent me a message saying that I meant a lot to him (first time ever) - and I nearly fell off my chair - such actions are very rare with him! But that sentiment tends to feel meaningless after a while if it's not backed up with actions that support it.

@Sighs - Totally get what you mean with that. The I Love You thing is a sore point for me. I've been in love with him for ages, but we haven't said it to each other yet - I say everything else under the sun to make sure he knows how much he means to me, but I'm worried he will freak out and pull away if I say the L word right now. A lot of time it almost slips out accidentally - it's only a matter of time til I say it, but I'm afraid of a lucklustre response, and I don't want to force things.

I guess in the big scheme of things we are going okay (heaps better than the first few months we were together anyway!), but things are going so slowly that I almost feel like we will end up going backwards!

Eh, now I'm starting to feel like I'm being ungrateful! He's never ever said anything mean or harsh to me, or told me he doesn't want me around - it's his actions and body language that make me feel like that. When I tell him I feel neglected he's apologetic and attentive for a while, but then just goes back to being distant.

Has anyone ever heard that Tori Amos song "China"? I swear it was written for someone with PTSD....
 
I can't even talk about what's been going on with my sufferer over the last few days, but this thread explains it perfectly. I have a migraine, I hate the holidays, this all really sucks. I hate his abuser.
 
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