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Does anyone get tired of trying?

  • Thread starter Deleted member 39411
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Deleted member 39411

hi,
I am diagnosed with ptsd, i suffered all forms of abuse as a child. i have been doing therapy for a year or so now, it took me since 2002 to get a the right diagnosis and therapist who i can half-assed trust. (I spent about the first four years in a catotonic state, because of over medication from a misdiagnosis and then a couple years starting to heal, followed by epic re traumatization or new trauma from people trying to help but making it worse. Then a few years stuck in that, then a few more years trying to find a therapist that i could trust.

So basically that's 15 years of trying to get help and 1 year of therapy. Not that i didn't make progress or gain awareness of self during this time, but starting therapy seems to have made my illness worse, Also i have been learning to clear the voices from my mind. I have had success for a day or two at a time.

My question is this why cant i stay in the quiet, my anxiety and my abusers voices are so prevalent in my mind that if i sit and focus on kicking them out of my head, it is amazingly peaceful, but inevitable the damn adrenaline will be released or fear of real or imagined danger and the wheels will start spinning and i will be out of control of my mind,


Then it takes a couple days at the least before i am even ready or able to try again to turn it off, and that's if the stress-or goes away. This is a horribly disheartening process, every time i try to use a tool and fail, i seem to get more discouraged and have more trouble even believing its possible to recover, the problem being that my trauma wounds where untreated for so long that they caused and continue to cause new traumas in my life. So i struggle to believe things can get better anyway, since i have only seen things get worse, or remain horrible. Not to mention the wounds of abuse have created a filter for my perception, so most experiences feel bad or hurt.

Any way i feel like a damn yo yo drifting between semi sanity and madness, but never able to get off the ride completely, my hope is fading again, try something for awhile new and exciting hopeful that i am finally going to do the right thing that this is going to help, and then bitter disappointment when not seeing results,

so blinding are the symptoms and anxiety that i am tired of trying to pick myself up, not only that but i am tired of being carried to, I want this to be over, its never over, intense disappointment, fear, anger frustration, overwhelming uncertainty, and paranoia.

I thought for a good hour about ending things today, more over i wanted to do in a way that would let the people who traumatized me know i was thinking about them when i did it, I wanted to swallow a chemical that takes all the alcohol out of your body. The worst part is I wanted to do it, not only because i feel trapped, alone and hopeless, but also to hurt them, for sweeping it under the rug, blaming me and leaving me in torment,

Worse than that when i see this part of me wanting desperately to hurt them psychologically and emotionally, the shame around what i have become, what my heart has become, makes me feel even shittier and more hopless. And I want to swallow the pretty pink potassium poison even more.
 
Hi Bruce.
I have felt very tired of fighting the battle so on some level I might be able to somewhat understand.
I stop myself because I really don't want to die and I don't want to leave behind those that do care about me. I just can't. So I go on suffering.
Has anyone suggested emdr therapy?
Fighting the battles in our heads are the hardest we will ever have to do. I cling to memories of happier times and want to be back there. I hope you can get there too.
Ending it does not punish them. It just takes away your chance for joy.
I am thinking of you.
 
I understand you so well. I've also lived such moments.
 
Yes. I get so damned tired of trying like hell every single day only to be reminded of my ongoing inadequacies.

Although I find I tend to be the one doing much of the reminding in my own unkind thought loops.

I've learned so much and experienced some great results only to slapped back into the reality of my pain day in and day out.

Sometimes by just a scent, a sound, or a simple thought. Boom! Right back to hell I go.

No matter what methods I try, there's always underlying hurt waiting to snatch my mind up and take me down into the depressive ditches.

I often feel like I'm some kind of fraud or just too sensitive, especially since I've been afforded many opportunities that others haven't been, yet still suffer so deeply some days.

Having access to more options of care doesn't always equal better results, but it seems it's often viewed that way by self, sufferers, and supporters alike, adding yet another set of expectations I can't seem to meet.

Then I often feel guilty for complaining or reaching out for more support, like I have no right to be hurting this badly while already having had access to so much and so many different varieties.

It's a twisted world no matter how we view it or approach it. I'm not exactly sure why I've chosen to stay as long as I have, but I'm mostly glad I've stayed.

I never viewed my death as a way to prove to others how badly they hurt me or as a lesson of sorts. They can't even understand it while I'm actively living well and trying to explain with documented data and such, much less when I'm gone and can no longer advocate for myself.

I think I choose to stay simply for knowing how good the love feels when it happens, still wanting and longing for more of that feeling, and finally figuring out how to make it happen more on my own, like especially in nature and such, without the added complications of trying to navigate other human beings in order to make it possible, if that makes sense.

I have nothing brilliant to suggest or add, just a shared feeling of often feeling like enough is enough. Hugs from my heart to yours.
 
Nope I don't get tired of trying cuz I dealt with end of life and am keenly aware of the alternative and how it affects people.
 
Only EVERYDAY!!!! But for some stupid reason, I'm still here and still trying. Some days I give it 100% and other days more like 10%.
 
So basically that's 15 years of trying to get help and 1 year of therapy. Not that i didn't make progress or gain awareness of self during this time, but starting therapy seems to have made my illness worse, Also i have been learning to clear the voices from my mind. I have had success for a day or two at a time.
You've been in therapy for a year. That is nothing. You need to think in terms of years, even decade, for severe PTSD symptoms. You're having success, by admission. It starts small and keeps increasing with time. One year working at it, and starting to have success, is good.

Whilst its normal to feel deflated, depressed, just remember, your positive forward work is providing you results, which you acknowledge. Well done. Focus on what is working and helping you. Work like hell on managing your symptoms, don't just rely on therapy. Read every self-help book there is. Understand symptoms, try different things to help maintain symptoms, all in finding what works for you, what does not, via experimentation.

Perfectly normal to feel like giving up at times... 15 years fighting with only one year working on resolution, is a long time. But in five years time, that will be 15 years fighting, 6 years working on the problem. Things will be vastly different for you in five years time, having actively worked on solving your trauma and symptomatic reactions.
 
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