D
Deleted member 39411
hi,
I am diagnosed with ptsd, i suffered all forms of abuse as a child. i have been doing therapy for a year or so now, it took me since 2002 to get a the right diagnosis and therapist who i can half-assed trust. (I spent about the first four years in a catotonic state, because of over medication from a misdiagnosis and then a couple years starting to heal, followed by epic re traumatization or new trauma from people trying to help but making it worse. Then a few years stuck in that, then a few more years trying to find a therapist that i could trust.
So basically that's 15 years of trying to get help and 1 year of therapy. Not that i didn't make progress or gain awareness of self during this time, but starting therapy seems to have made my illness worse, Also i have been learning to clear the voices from my mind. I have had success for a day or two at a time.
My question is this why cant i stay in the quiet, my anxiety and my abusers voices are so prevalent in my mind that if i sit and focus on kicking them out of my head, it is amazingly peaceful, but inevitable the damn adrenaline will be released or fear of real or imagined danger and the wheels will start spinning and i will be out of control of my mind,
Then it takes a couple days at the least before i am even ready or able to try again to turn it off, and that's if the stress-or goes away. This is a horribly disheartening process, every time i try to use a tool and fail, i seem to get more discouraged and have more trouble even believing its possible to recover, the problem being that my trauma wounds where untreated for so long that they caused and continue to cause new traumas in my life. So i struggle to believe things can get better anyway, since i have only seen things get worse, or remain horrible. Not to mention the wounds of abuse have created a filter for my perception, so most experiences feel bad or hurt.
Any way i feel like a damn yo yo drifting between semi sanity and madness, but never able to get off the ride completely, my hope is fading again, try something for awhile new and exciting hopeful that i am finally going to do the right thing that this is going to help, and then bitter disappointment when not seeing results,
so blinding are the symptoms and anxiety that i am tired of trying to pick myself up, not only that but i am tired of being carried to, I want this to be over, its never over, intense disappointment, fear, anger frustration, overwhelming uncertainty, and paranoia.
I thought for a good hour about ending things today, more over i wanted to do in a way that would let the people who traumatized me know i was thinking about them when i did it, I wanted to swallow a chemical that takes all the alcohol out of your body. The worst part is I wanted to do it, not only because i feel trapped, alone and hopeless, but also to hurt them, for sweeping it under the rug, blaming me and leaving me in torment,
Worse than that when i see this part of me wanting desperately to hurt them psychologically and emotionally, the shame around what i have become, what my heart has become, makes me feel even shittier and more hopless. And I want to swallow the pretty pink potassium poison even more.
I am diagnosed with ptsd, i suffered all forms of abuse as a child. i have been doing therapy for a year or so now, it took me since 2002 to get a the right diagnosis and therapist who i can half-assed trust. (I spent about the first four years in a catotonic state, because of over medication from a misdiagnosis and then a couple years starting to heal, followed by epic re traumatization or new trauma from people trying to help but making it worse. Then a few years stuck in that, then a few more years trying to find a therapist that i could trust.
So basically that's 15 years of trying to get help and 1 year of therapy. Not that i didn't make progress or gain awareness of self during this time, but starting therapy seems to have made my illness worse, Also i have been learning to clear the voices from my mind. I have had success for a day or two at a time.
My question is this why cant i stay in the quiet, my anxiety and my abusers voices are so prevalent in my mind that if i sit and focus on kicking them out of my head, it is amazingly peaceful, but inevitable the damn adrenaline will be released or fear of real or imagined danger and the wheels will start spinning and i will be out of control of my mind,
Then it takes a couple days at the least before i am even ready or able to try again to turn it off, and that's if the stress-or goes away. This is a horribly disheartening process, every time i try to use a tool and fail, i seem to get more discouraged and have more trouble even believing its possible to recover, the problem being that my trauma wounds where untreated for so long that they caused and continue to cause new traumas in my life. So i struggle to believe things can get better anyway, since i have only seen things get worse, or remain horrible. Not to mention the wounds of abuse have created a filter for my perception, so most experiences feel bad or hurt.
Any way i feel like a damn yo yo drifting between semi sanity and madness, but never able to get off the ride completely, my hope is fading again, try something for awhile new and exciting hopeful that i am finally going to do the right thing that this is going to help, and then bitter disappointment when not seeing results,
so blinding are the symptoms and anxiety that i am tired of trying to pick myself up, not only that but i am tired of being carried to, I want this to be over, its never over, intense disappointment, fear, anger frustration, overwhelming uncertainty, and paranoia.
I thought for a good hour about ending things today, more over i wanted to do in a way that would let the people who traumatized me know i was thinking about them when i did it, I wanted to swallow a chemical that takes all the alcohol out of your body. The worst part is I wanted to do it, not only because i feel trapped, alone and hopeless, but also to hurt them, for sweeping it under the rug, blaming me and leaving me in torment,
Worse than that when i see this part of me wanting desperately to hurt them psychologically and emotionally, the shame around what i have become, what my heart has become, makes me feel even shittier and more hopless. And I want to swallow the pretty pink potassium poison even more.