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Relationship Does He Want A Divorce??

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discarded

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The 25th January 2015 marked our 30th wedding anniversary. We have been separated for the past 2 1/2 years. I left with our daughter as he refused to discuss his cheating and lying with me and was completely withdrawn form us. I could take no more, no matter what I tried he did not want my help. He said he needed time on his own to figure things out and so we started a 6 month trial separation. All this did was allow him to establish a relationship with a woman he works with. He lied about it for 2 years but finally told me about it just before Christmas.

I asked him if he wanted me to file for a divorce and got no reply. He rarely answers any communication about our relationship, ony responding to communication about our daughter. He sees his daughter for a couple of hours once a fortnight as he says that is all he can cope with, however his new partner whom he lives with has 2 children, younger than our daughter. I don't understand how he can be living with them and having so very little to do with his own child.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?
 
:hug:s

I think that you should put yourself first and your child first. Rather than ask if he wants a divorce, ask what you want? Do you want a husband who left you and started living with a new woman and lied to you about it?
 
((Hugs)) if you accept them. My ex (non-PTSD) doesn't see our kids either, but helped raise his two stepkids. I don't get it either... It's his loss, he's the one missing out on your wonderful daughter.
 
I accept all the hugs I can get, thanks Sweetpea. You are so right and our daughter is wonderful, a precious unexpected gift to our family. He does miss out on a lot but I don't think it really bothers him. Out of sight out of mind.
 
Solara, I put myself and our daughter first when I chose to leave. If it were up to him we would still be sharing the same house, me upstairs, him down. I know deep down that I made the right choice, that we were all miserable. I just didn't count on the outcome, I believed it when he said he would seek help to sort himself out, that he only wanted it to be temporary.

A lot of his relatives and friends believe I abandoned him to deal with his PTSD alone. They know nothing of his cheating and lying. It hurts that they have all wiped my daughter and I from their lives.

I have struggled with depression for many years now, during his deployments and afterward, I have seen counselors on and off over the years. I look forward to our daughter being old enough that I no longer need to have contact with him. It will make my life much easier. It is very hard to let go of someone you have been married to for 30 years and devoted your life to.
 
@discarded I think @Solara means to ask yourself what you want to do instead of what you think you should do because of your husband and his illness.

You separated yourself from him for good reason. Why are you still hanging on? Do what is best for you and your daughter.
 
In you other thread you write about him introducing your kids to his new partner and her kids. After 2 years of chronically abandoning them, he is now back in their lives because he wants them to meet his new family. You write about how angry all three of your kids are and how little they want anything to do with him. You write about telling your 14 year old daughter that you need to love and support him more than ever now.

If you are wanting to know if he wants a divorce, the only one who can really answer that is him. His cheating behavior and failure to change that cheating behavior does seem to indicate pretty clearly that he is done with the marriage. But in the end, only he can say what he wants.

I think @Solara is spot on that the crux of the matter is not what does he want, but what do you want?

My question is: why would you continue to want to stay in any relationship with someone who has so clearly hurt you and your kids? I hear you that at least part of the reason is because letting go of such a long marriage is REALLY PAINFUL. It's probably much more painful than I could ever imagine, having never been married for so long to someone you have held so dear.

I recommended that all supporters get their own support and counseling. It's great that you have reached out for this help before. PTSD is hell and being a supporter to someone with PTSD is hellish too. Going through all of this would be extremely painful for any spouse or supporter. It's not your fault. You and your kids do not deserve to be treated his way. Regardless if he wants a divorce or not, it's time to put your needs, wants, and pain first and foremost. Not his. I think your next steps and the situation will become more clear as you focus on getting support for you and figuring out what you want.

You had a lot of courage and strength to leave and separate from him. You have taken so many good steps through all of this. Keep standing strong and reaching out for help to get through this. My heart goes out to you. :hug:
 
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Thank you Justmehere. The truth is I do love him but I know leaving him was the best thing to do. I have told him it is up to him to file for a divorce as at this point in time I have no need for one and nor am I prepared to pay for it. I paid out more than my fair share already during the separation process and property settlement. I suppose I should be thankful he doesn't want our daughter and that she does not want to be with him for any overnight visits, so i haven't had to pursue custody issues. I also want for him just once to take some responsibility for his part in all of this and just one decision.

In the beginning the couselling I sought was through military organisations as I thought they were best to assist given the situation. I was very wrong. In my experience they really wanted to cover up the fact so many veterans have PTSD and other issues. I was educated to believe any change in behaviour was the result of the PTSD and not to make a big deal of it. Be patient, be understanding. I tried. I really tried. But in the end my mental health suffered and I had to put myself and my daughter first. I can hear you say "why do you love him?". The answer is, I love the person he was and every time I saw a glimpse of that person I held out hope for us. Every nice thing he did or said seemed to cancel out the hundreds of bad things.

It will be a slow process but I am moving forward and away from all of this mess.
 
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