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Does The Hurt Ever Go Away?

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You are correct Carp, though Nam actually hasn't gotten her trauma out, ever, as yet, as she has suppressed the majority of it with only little snippets of information. What you are saying above, is what Nam has to do in the first place. I have done the same as you have, in that I have gotten it ALL out, nothing left in me to tell, so retelling it over and over does become tedious and frustrating, absolutely. Nam has never actually gotten out what you or I have, and it is all still bottled inside her, hence the cause of the continous nightmares, sleep deprevation, etc etc.

Her old logs as such, only contain snippets of her trauma, and not actually her entire trauma, so she is still carrying all this inside her, which you and I have rid ourselves to begin with, to leave only the smaller issues to now deal with. Her previously counsellor had told her that somethings are often left buried, though everything professionally written about PTSD states the opposite, within the best interest of the patient. This is exactly why such treatments at TIR and EMDR are continually tested and developed, so that trauma patients can get every bit of trauma out of them to begin with.

The only problem with some of those treatments is that it depends on the person intensity of trauma, to whether or not they can be used effectively without making a person an unmanagable wreck, and laid up within an institution for many months or year/s.

So, what you said is correct, but Nam hasn't made it to the point you have yet, hence she still must actually remember and rid herself off all her trauma, so she is no longer suppressing all her memories, and actually knows what did happen to her, and not just snippets of information that are continuously scareing her each time she sleeps.

Do you have advice that could help Nam from your experience though Carp? You said you have gotten all your trauma out, as I have done, though obviously everyone rids themselves differently. I would be interested to here your experience in how you rid your trauma from yourself, ie. trauma therapy with a good counsellor, yourself, physician, etc etc!!! I am always interested in those aspects of peoples recovery, especially those as yourself Carp that have recovered to a certain point, and no longer within the thick of PTSD itself.
 
It's not that I won't remember, it's that I CAN'T remember. I have no control as to when the memories return. I have no control over how much of it does return, and I don't even know where it belongs in my timeline. I'm just debating whether or not I should just sit still and wait for them, or should I be more proactive. I am afraid of getting worse because I feel that I'm functioning really well right now, but I also don't want a blowout at a very bad time. I would love for someday not to have any fears about my past. Not to have any shame, or anger. Not to have unknowns and questions unanswered (validated).

I think that one of the reasons I'm hung up right now is that I still have a hard time believing my memories. There is so much controversy on whether or not they are true. My therapist did not dwell on that at all because she says it doesn't matter whether they are or not because my mind and body are reacting if they are true. So to her, it's true. The live in the present mentality.

To me, it does make a difference because I don't want to have to think the alternative; that I'm crazy and conjured up these memories on my own imagination. I go back and forth. Somedays I think it'd be nice just be called crazy and not suffer through another panic attack, and other times, I wish I could get to the truth and go on with my life! I was so young. Maybe my young mind won't remember any more. What if they are unretrievable? Will I go down in history in my family as the "crazy" one, the "dramatic" one, or the person I really want to be?
 
I totally get where you're coming from Nam! I find it just as strange, confusing and frustrating. I feel like I know what's there, but when I try to look at it, I can't get to it. Yet it all comes out in my nightmares, or I suddenly feel overwhelmed for no reason that is obvious to me.

The way I see it is that I want to learn about ptsd and how it works. Then I want to learn how to apply it to my everyday life, so I can cope better and hopefully keep my job, sanity and independence. Then I think I might actually be able to persuade my brain to look at the trauma properly. I'm thinking that if I spend some time learning and preparing, then I will understand my feelings and how it all fits, so maybe dealing with the trauma will not feel like I'm trying to climb Everest with nothing but hiking boots and a walking stick!

I have generally accepted that it is going to be a very hard and long road, but that there is much to gain from walking it. Of course, when I'm having a bad day, the world sucks, nothing is fair, I can't do it and all the sensible, logical stuff goes out the window.

:redface:
 
I've decided today to dig up the old email address of my birth mother and write and see if she responds. I hope she does and I hope she doesn't. We'll see.
 
They say it gets worse before it gets better...

I have been utterly amazed at how things are comming to me. I know I need therapy and treatment but I am not sure I am ready.

I have gotten to the point in my life where I can say in a non threatening situation that I was molested as a child, in a more secure situation, I am usually secure-even though I may be nervous-enough to say that I was molested by my brother. There have been very few people with whom I have shared actual details of the events. My husband, and one other close friend have an idea of the things that were done but I have never shared enough to even be a drop in the bucket and that scares me to death.

I have always had fragmented memories of the events that took place but never complete ones. I am so frightened about the hurt I am going to feel when I actually open the doors all the way. I have had to become numb for so many years "for the sake of the family" as my father said when I told them as well as I could about what happened. I think it hurt me worse that my parents told me to hide my feelings and to cover up what happened to protect my brother of all freaking people, and to keep the family name from being damaged. Meanwhile I fell by the wayside feeling like the biggest peice of damaged freight in the world.

It has been 15 years since the abuse stopped and a total of 20 years that I am still hiding my hurt and anger and fear and hatred for my brother for what he did & for my parents for ignoring it. I am afraid of hurting my family when I stop hiding, but who gave a crap about me getting hurt back then? My husband battles with his hatred of my brother as well, which creates another source of pain. My hurt comes from so many places that I question ever getting rid of it.

The crazy thing to me is that I have always been so aware of my pain but have always chosen to push it away and ignore it. At the same time I was aware of my anger and depression and list of symptoms that I don't feel like typing, but never connected the two areas.

I am scared that since I haven't started therapy and am still trying to get from knowing I need it to actually getting it, that the pain I feel every day now could be nothing compared to what I feel when I do start therapy. Will it get worse before it gets better?
 
I get what you're saying. Please excuse me, as your own expereince is extremely similar to my own, so I find it a bit awkward to respond sensibly!

I had 3 years of therapy a few years ago. The aim was to get myself out of depression (I had not been diagnosed with ptsd at that point), get back into the workplace and speak to my mother about some things that happened when I lived in the family home.

I did accomplish all 3 aims, but after only 18 months from stopping therapy I got stuck into the depression cycle again. This time my nightmares were worse than they ever had been, so I asked to be referred to a psychiatrist. I had previously been offered this route, but was too scared about what I might get asked or told.

At about the same time, I came across this forum, which has been a life-saver, as I do not have any friends or family I can talk to about things. Some things I still don't feel I could talk about to anyone.

I was referred to see a psychologist in our NHS (UK). I was assessed and told that while I had a lot of symptoms of ptsd, the point of the assessment was to refer me for further assessment, not give me a diagnosis. The waiting list for further assessment is 12 months.

This pretty much freaked me out, as I strongly believe I need help now, and pretty much dread to think what state I would be in after another 12 months dealing with this on my own. So I have decided to spend my savings on private therapy with a trauma specialist. I didn't even have to do the diagnostic stuff - I was told at the first meeting that I have ptsd.

I have been to 4 sessions so far. I am taking things at my own pace. It is hard. I have been told that things might get worse before they get better. I believe that it is worth trying to get through the bad times to have a hope of getting a better life in the long term.

Going for diagnosis and therapy is a huge and difficult decision - one that I drove everyone here mad about for quite a while! Have a look through the old posts at your leisure.

In the end, it is your decision. Only you know when you are ready. Try weighing up the short-term and long-term pros and cons and see how things look. It might help you decide what to do for yourself. Stick around here too, either way, it is a great help. Get your other half into the spouses forum too. Any help is good with ptsd.
 
I have always had fragmented memories of the events that took place but never complete ones. I am so frightened about the hurt I am going to feel when I actually open the doors all the way. I have had to become numb for so many years "for the sake of the family" as my father said when I told them as well as I could about what happened.

Opening doors is good. Although it may feel like self torture, it's good. It is scary, but I think you'll find out that you really don't have much choice. When I came to that fork in the road, I was either going to die and leave my family without a mother and a wife, OR, I was going to beat the living shit out of this crap that was taking over my life. I chose B. I feel that in the end, the suffering is worth it.

I am scared that since I haven't started therapy and am still trying to get from knowing I need it to actually getting it, that the pain I feel every day now could be nothing compared to what I feel when I do start therapy. Will it get worse before it gets better?

It will. I'll be honest. But after it gets worse, it'll get better. Remember that. That the worst will be just that, the worst part, and then it'll be over. My heart aches for you.....you are such a tough girl already and now you'll have to be tough again. Sometimes it just sucks!

Good news: :smile: Is that you found us at the beginning! Oh how I wish that I had this when I was up for twenty hours to scared to sleep and all cried out. I wish I had this to share. I felt very alone. My therapist gives me one hour a week, not nearly enough. And it's also nice that this is open everyday, every hour. There are wonderful people here with good advice, and even hard advice to take, but I like to hear the inputs from others that suffer from ptsd.
 
That makes me feel better, but at the same time worse. LOL I have never really dealt with it, but now I want to. I am going to end up leaving my family because I will never stop the cycle of my own destruction if I don't face my destructor. I will keep you posted of my progress, I know I will be around a lot, this place is like a new addiction for me. I am so glad I found you all, you have already helped so much. Thank You.
 
I'm addicted to this place to. I have lived with this since July of 2004, and I have yet to meet ONE other person that has it. Besides the fact that I have it from memories????? There is no one. Here, I have found people that don't question it (I question it more then these guys!), give daily support, and honest answers. It helps big time. I hope it helps you just as much. And, this addiction is good. :smile:
 
Wow... So much to take in... yet still so sick! I will come back to this in a few days. This is exactly the type of conversation I refer to when I say, "each person is helping each other here" and things like that.

Geez Nicole... you could hit me with a hammer for the striking resemblance your past has with Piglet. Whack!
 
I as well have been hit by that hammer. I am so shocked at the resemblance myself. I am totally freaked out at this point. I am ready to heal damnit!
 
And that is awesome that you are finally ready to heal, and move past your past traumas and the sheer load of guild, pain and suffering that you have carried for so long. Congratulations on your decision, and you have certainly arrived at the right place for this to occur.

From me Nicole, I will help, I will support, I will also push you beyond what you may be comfortable with, and push you into areas that will upset you, but these are merely things that need to be done in order to help you heal. Trauma is no easy task to heal, and it usually requires a whole lot of unwanted shoving to push a person past their bounds of comfort, to exhail their trauma from them, so they can deal with it in the open, and no longer masking the poor job we all do attempting to deal with trauma alone, in secret, because that just doesn't work.

Its great to hear a person say they really want to heal... a huge step Nicole... and only you know whether your ready or not, and your stating it, so you must believe you are now ready. Congratulations.... you really need to give yourself a huge pat on the back for that decision.
 
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