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Does This Email Sound Ok

Discussion in 'Supporter General Discussion' started by journey31, Jan 8, 2013.

  1. journey31

    journey31 New Member

    He's told me he thinks he has ptsd about a month ago. He should be home any day now, but its always 3 weeks, every time he tells me.

    He's still in Afghanistan. A friend that we decided during his deployment we wanted to be together. Have discussed marriage and I'm meeting him mom in March.

    How does this sound. Is this good, is it phrased correctly.

    Baby. Maybe it's just me, but you seem a little different lately. I'm here for you, whatever it is. I know you're stressed, and miss home. I know i have no clue what you're going through, or have been through. If you have ptsd or something, I'll do whatever it takes. I'll study it, I'll go to counseling with you. I'll help you through it. I'm not going anywhere. I don't care how hard it is. I'm sticking by you. I know we're not married, but we've discussed it. So, I take all that seriously. I don't just discuss that for the hell of it, and I don't need a ring to start to take it seriously. I'm gonna treat this just like it's already done. You'd have to leave me for this to end. I look at it like we've already made it through one deployment. We'll make it through anything. I know they'll be others. I know it will be hard, but I know what kind of life I'll have with you. It will get hard at times. But it's going to be worth it. I'm proud of you baby, and will continue to be proud of you. I just had to let you know what you mean to me. I'm crazy about you. I can't wait until we can be together. We're going to be so happy together.
    gizmo likes this.
  2. kabeh394

    kabeh394 Member

    Baby, maybe it's just me, but you seem a little different lately. How are things going for you? Has anything changed in the last few weeks? I'm here for you, whatever it is, I know you're stressed, and miss home. I don't have no clue what you're going through, or have been through. If you have anything on your mind that you want to discuss, I am here to listen and do whatever we can together as I am anxious for your return home and how the transition will be for you, for us! I be here to help with whatever your immediate needs are. I'm not going anywhere. We've made it through one deployment. We'll make it through anything. I'm proud of you baby, and will continue to be proud of you. I just had to let you know what you mean to me. I'm crazy about you. I can't wait until we can be together. We're going to be so happy together.

    I made some changes to grammar, I encourage you to omit the word PTSD as it may automatically cause defense mode. I made the letter sound a little more about your reunion and less about "you have an illness, and I will let you walk all over me to help you". I also encourage you to seek counseling for yourself if you fear there is a mental illness or disorder because you will need the tools to do what is best for you and to understand some of the signs and symptoms.

    I hope this helps!
    gizmo, Junebug, Abstract and 3 others like this.
  3. journey31

    journey31 New Member

    Ok Kabeh394 I wasn't trying to sound like I was going to let him walk over me, I just wanted him to know I was there. His ex left him during his last deployment.
    gizmo likes this.
  4. Bilby

    Bilby Well-Known Member

    I think it's lovely of you to let him know that you are there for him and that you intend to stand by him.

    In the meantime, I'd suggest that you read up all you can on PTSD. The PTSD relationship is a great read - very informative. Also, decide for yourself, what boundaries you think need to be in place and be very clear in your communication with him.
  5. kabeh394

    kabeh394 Member

    Please don't take it personally, you asked if it sounded ok, sometimes when people say things we don't like, we take it personally. Trust me, I am a carer as well, and I have been in your shoes. I was naive, and I never want somebody else to go through what I went through. With that said, I don't sugarcoat, it's not in my nature. I like to hear it straight foreword, so I make sure I speak it straight forward. But you wouldn't have asked if you didn't question.

    The comment I made about him walking over you was a blanket statement because they will if they are allowed, you will learn that here. It was in no way, shape or form any sort of personal attack.

    Third, You said something that raised an alarm for me, and as carers, we tend to do this without realizing because we tend to be nurturers.

    It is not your responsibility to fix what his ex did, it is not your responsibility to prove anything, it is not your responsibility to fix him, console him, or change anything about you or your wants/boundaries period. I could be way off base, but that sent up a warning flare when I read that! I agree with Bilby, read, learn, study as much as you can. This forum is a great resource. I wish you the absolute best!
    Abstract, Hashi, Dallas and 1 other person like this.
  6. p-no

    p-no VIP Member Premium Member

    If I were you, I'd be very careful if I really wanted to say this. I as a sufferer take promises (and I might perceive these as such) very seriously. Also, I would question what you've said here, simply for the fact that you do not know how hard it will be and you do no know if you will really stick by him. I do realize that currently you're being dead-serious about this and you mean it. But later is later and you do not know. That is also because you don't know what will happen with him. Will he get treatment? Will it work? Will he get worse? Will he treat you well? Etc. You don't know if you'll make it through anything. And, seriously, taking you literal here, I hope you will not make it through *anything*. I stayed in an abusive marriage (different disorder) way too long and through anything. I shouldn't have. I am entitled to happiness and health.

    I personally can not take such "promises" seriously. I know things are not that black and white. Why would you want to make it through anything with me? And why would you not care how hard it is? You should care, frankly.

    Best wishes.
  7. p-no

    p-no VIP Member Premium Member

    It took me a while to figure out what reading this did to me or rather could do, but now I know. If I were the recipient, I would likely at first feel a lot of hope, but later, this could make me feel pressured because I might not feel I could contribute what I'd need to to make you happy. I am years and years after diagnosis. I could picture him being quite overwhelmed by all, most of all PTSD itself and his current life's conditions, but also by diagnosis and what it means. Just saying.
    Junebug, Abstract, Hashi and 2 others like this.
  8. Dallas

    Dallas New Member

    I would keep the letter a lot lighter. Things like- I miss you and can't wait to see you! Looking forward to when you get home. Today I went to the store...blah, blah, blah. Then add a funny joke. End with "I love you!" Keep it light and upbeat! He'll be more excited to see you, rather than anticipating a funeral of sadness when he gets home.

    Sincerely,
    Dallas.
  9. Dallas

    Dallas New Member

    I don't think you necessarily have to tell him all those things you wrote in the letter. Just do it! :tup:

    Sincerely,
    Dallas.
    journey31 likes this.
  10. journey31

    journey31 New Member

    I wasn't offended by anything. I didnt realize it sounded like that
    Junebug and Abstract like this.
  11. journey31

    journey31 New Member


    We do that type of communication already. Just he changed. He's different. Yesterday he even said he was just gonna stay and buy a house there. He says he's just tired. I just sense something isn't right. There its an obvious change.
    At first i started to get insecure like he was changing his mind about us, but stopped that thought. He is just going through stuff. Noting to do with me. I can't let negative thoughts in.
    Junebug, Abstract and Dallas like this.
  12. Dallas

    Dallas New Member

    Buy a house in Afghanistan?!?! Oy vay!!!! :eek:
  13. Hashi

    Hashi VIP Member

    ... in which case you might want to think twice before saying you'll do whatever it takes!

    Seriously, I think your commitment is wonderful. I also agree with what others have said. I think it's enough to express your support for him in this moment, and your willingness to be there for him when he gets back. You don't need to anticipate any outcomes or predict your future feelings, and I think it's better not to - apart from any other reasons, it reduces the pressure on both of you.

    Something I'd be careful about is trying to do it for him, or to help with things he can - and should - do for himself. He needs to go to counselling on his own. (Unless it's couples counselling for your relationship, which would be something different from trauma counselling.)

    I think it's great that you say that you take it seriously.

    I also really like that you said:

    I think this is a very validating way to show your support without saying you understand things that you can't.

    Your love shines through. I think he's very lucky to have your support. I just hope he appreciates you! Make sure he does, and remember to take care of yourself and your own life as well as supporting him.
  14. journey31

    journey31 New Member

    Yeah that's when it became crystal clear he was having issues. I know he wasn't serious, but still
    Abstract likes this.
  15. Bilby

    Bilby Well-Known Member

    How long will he be back for? Just wondering as I have heard that many of those that have been in the military find adjustment to 'civilian life' rather difficult... add potential PTSD to that and it is even harder, as well as taking your relationship to a greater level of commitment.
    Hashi and Abstract like this.
  16. Abstract

    Abstract VIP Member Premium Member

    I think he is very lucky to have you and that you sound like your relationship has been a good one. I really wish you well and hope he gets the help he obviously needs.

    I do agree with the comments that others have made. I totally see that you say all you do with conviction. I just think that it is impossible to know what things will be like later so it is better to not make such broad promises.

    Personally I think it can be a bit dangerous to say that you will never leave no matter what. He might be fine and not act out when he is in a bad way but saying things like this can give people the idea that they can do and say whatever they want without consequences. I don't think that is healthy for either party. I think there are circumstances where anyone should leave a relationship no matter how much they love the person. That that could be an issue in your relationship may seem impossible but I think it is a wise approach to have to see relationships this way.

    Even though he has brought up PTSD he is likely to still be half in denial and I would be concerned that speaking so much about "no matter how bad it gets" might freak him out at this point. It could backfire as he might start thinking he shouldn't put you through that rather than hear what you are saying.

    Coming to terms with having PTSD and what that entails can be a long and difficult process. For all concerned really.
    I think its great you are so determined to find out more about PTSD. It is sure to help you a lot.
    Junebug, journey31 and Hashi like this.
  17. journey31

    journey31 New Member

    He is back until they deploy him again, if they do. He said that he's sure they will but no orders yet. He's on his second deployment
    Abstract likes this.
  18. Cherokee

    Cherokee New Member

    As a sufferer I hope for your sake you do not send the letter as is. Promising you'll be there through anything you do not realize what you are setting yourself up for. And he will walk all over you whether he means to or not.

    Baby, I've been thinking about you and have something to say. Maybe it's just me, but you seem a little distant lately. I know you're stressed and missing home. I know I can't understand what you're going through, or have been through; but, I want you to know I'm here for you, whatever it is. If your right and you do have PTSD then that's ok. I will do my part. I'll study it, go to counseling with you, and I'll help you through it anyway I can. I'm not going anywhere. I expect it to be hard at times, and am prepared for it; but, it doesn't scare me, I want to stick by you. I know we're not married yet, but we've discussed it, so I take it seriously. I wouldnt discuss marriage for the hell of it, and I don't need a ring to become your partner. We have already made it through one deployment, we can make it through anything we want. I know there will be other deployments and I know it will be hard. But I also know what kind of life I'll have with you and that it's all going to be worth it. I'm proud of you baby, and will continue to be proud of you. Stay proud of yourself. I just had to let you know what you mean to me. I'm crazy about you and I can't wait until we can be together. We're going to be so happy.

    Just my own version you can take or leave whatever you want. It's coming from you so it needs to be you. Best of luck darlin.
    kabeh394 likes this.

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