ReachingOutJ
Confident
I am both a childhood and adult domestic violence and rape survivor; multiple rapes from two different family members over the years. One of the rapists is deceased, and other one is still in the family.
I have been living with my current boyfriend for almost 13 years, but he has a history of verbal and emotional abuse. Last night, he lashed out at me for six hours. I was too tired to leave, and he was drunk. This morning, he calmed down and held me and apologized, but this has happened so many times I can't count the times. The problem is, I am afraid of being alone, and my family is also abusive. I am very scared living in their house, and I don't have the money to leave; bf has also been unemployed for a long time. Why do I still have feelings for this person who has hurt me time and time again? Was I trained to care for people who hurt me from the childhood abuse?
My grandma has offered me a place to stay, but she's 90 years old, and frail, and I don't want to freak her out. I also have a medical condition where I sleep on a passive ventilator ASVPAP, and it takes a while to unplug and pack it into its bag, so if someone is raging at me, I can't just walk away fast with an already packed and easy to grab bag.
Last night, while the bf was home drunk, and probably yelling at the walls, I went out for a drive by myself, and tried to calm down. Today, I feel triggered and scared, and I took a tiny extra rescue dose of Klonopin, because of it. My bf is acting as is nothing happened, and this rage started because I had been crying, as someone I know had passed away, so on top of my regular anxiety and PTSD symptoms, I have been dealing with a loss. I reached my arms out to him when I was crying, and asked for a hug. He had already been in a bad mood, and then he lashed out at me, saying "I can't help you," and "stop f*cking crying and just take some more drugs. You're a weakling, and you're annoying me." He then blamed me for his drinking, his weight gain, and other things. All I have done for years is try to help this man, and this is crushing me. It's bad enough that I come from a verbally and emotionally abusive/BPD family. I'm a well trained doormat.
I was feeling deeply hurt, and he has said worse. He continued to lash out at me until I fell asleep in the morning.
I feel despondent.
I have been living with my current boyfriend for almost 13 years, but he has a history of verbal and emotional abuse. Last night, he lashed out at me for six hours. I was too tired to leave, and he was drunk. This morning, he calmed down and held me and apologized, but this has happened so many times I can't count the times. The problem is, I am afraid of being alone, and my family is also abusive. I am very scared living in their house, and I don't have the money to leave; bf has also been unemployed for a long time. Why do I still have feelings for this person who has hurt me time and time again? Was I trained to care for people who hurt me from the childhood abuse?
My grandma has offered me a place to stay, but she's 90 years old, and frail, and I don't want to freak her out. I also have a medical condition where I sleep on a passive ventilator ASVPAP, and it takes a while to unplug and pack it into its bag, so if someone is raging at me, I can't just walk away fast with an already packed and easy to grab bag.
Last night, while the bf was home drunk, and probably yelling at the walls, I went out for a drive by myself, and tried to calm down. Today, I feel triggered and scared, and I took a tiny extra rescue dose of Klonopin, because of it. My bf is acting as is nothing happened, and this rage started because I had been crying, as someone I know had passed away, so on top of my regular anxiety and PTSD symptoms, I have been dealing with a loss. I reached my arms out to him when I was crying, and asked for a hug. He had already been in a bad mood, and then he lashed out at me, saying "I can't help you," and "stop f*cking crying and just take some more drugs. You're a weakling, and you're annoying me." He then blamed me for his drinking, his weight gain, and other things. All I have done for years is try to help this man, and this is crushing me. It's bad enough that I come from a verbally and emotionally abusive/BPD family. I'm a well trained doormat.
I was feeling deeply hurt, and he has said worse. He continued to lash out at me until I fell asleep in the morning.
I feel despondent.