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Dom Violence Domestic Violence Survivor, In Verbally Abusive Relationship.

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ReachingOutJ

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I am both a childhood and adult domestic violence and rape survivor; multiple rapes from two different family members over the years. One of the rapists is deceased, and other one is still in the family.

I have been living with my current boyfriend for almost 13 years, but he has a history of verbal and emotional abuse. Last night, he lashed out at me for six hours. I was too tired to leave, and he was drunk. This morning, he calmed down and held me and apologized, but this has happened so many times I can't count the times. The problem is, I am afraid of being alone, and my family is also abusive. I am very scared living in their house, and I don't have the money to leave; bf has also been unemployed for a long time. Why do I still have feelings for this person who has hurt me time and time again? Was I trained to care for people who hurt me from the childhood abuse?

My grandma has offered me a place to stay, but she's 90 years old, and frail, and I don't want to freak her out. I also have a medical condition where I sleep on a passive ventilator ASVPAP, and it takes a while to unplug and pack it into its bag, so if someone is raging at me, I can't just walk away fast with an already packed and easy to grab bag.

Last night, while the bf was home drunk, and probably yelling at the walls, I went out for a drive by myself, and tried to calm down. Today, I feel triggered and scared, and I took a tiny extra rescue dose of Klonopin, because of it. My bf is acting as is nothing happened, and this rage started because I had been crying, as someone I know had passed away, so on top of my regular anxiety and PTSD symptoms, I have been dealing with a loss. I reached my arms out to him when I was crying, and asked for a hug. He had already been in a bad mood, and then he lashed out at me, saying "I can't help you," and "stop f*cking crying and just take some more drugs. You're a weakling, and you're annoying me." He then blamed me for his drinking, his weight gain, and other things. All I have done for years is try to help this man, and this is crushing me. It's bad enough that I come from a verbally and emotionally abusive/BPD family. I'm a well trained doormat.

I was feeling deeply hurt, and he has said worse. He continued to lash out at me until I fell asleep in the morning.

I feel despondent.
 
Oh dear!

Oh man. :(

I have very little constructive ideas, but I want to wholeheartedly express my sympathie. That is an awful, awful situation you are in.

Abused people often get into abusive relationsship. My thinking is, the abusers see who is already down, so can be easily kicked again, and they look for those. Its really not your fault. Your boyfriend is not your friend. It must me tremendously stressfull to deal with all this.

Cant you live with your grandma and repay by helping her? Does she live alone? She would be ecastatic about company I am sure. You really need some time to breath, some room to think.
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and current living environment. Based on your post and if I'm interpreting correctly, (Complex PTSD Suffer Currently), I have to agree that it appears that your best option at the moment is to move in with your grandmother and hopefully w/o the "BF" who needs to seek help for his abusive behavior. I bet if you can (with support) you can learn that there's no reason you deserve to live in fear and also have to deal with the stress of your medical condition and I think you are very fortunate to have a option other than your current situation which in time you may be grateful for making the change.. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way..
 
If your grandmother is your only option, take it. It would be much better there than where you currently are, and maybe another opportunity will come along while you are safe there with her. Plus, you can help her out with things around the house while there, and keep her company. Verbal abuse is just as destructive as physical. Get rid of this abusive guy and reclaim your dignity and self worth. Good luck
 
Oh dear!

Oh man. :(

I have very little constructive ideas, but I want to wholeheartedly express my sym...
Totally agree, once someone has been abused, other predators will zone in on them. That is what happened to me too, they acted like they genuinely were there to help me, then they happily slipped into the role of my abusive father and a stalker in order to get their way. There are some sick people out there.
 
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I am both a childhood and adult domestic violence and rape survivor; multiple rapes from two differ...
Why do I still have feelings for this person who has hurt me time and time again? Was I trained to care for people who hurt me from the childhood abuse?

Why? I can tell you why, because your feelings of love and caring for that abuser are not real, they are coerced. I have cared about people before too that have hurt me and wondered the same thing. A predator like that will literally make you believe that you love someone or care about someone, but in reality they are brainwashing you, and whatever you feel towards them is not real.

It is a huge reality check. But once you realize that someone has forced you to take a part of their life you will understand. It took me a long time to learn that. Such predators will always and every day get in your way, talk about themselves, have others talk about them in front of you, tell you stories about how good a person they are, have their dumb name dropped in front of you who knows how many times......
You can not believe your own feelings then, because everything you feel towards a predator like that is coerced, it is not what you really wanted... and it is a sick trick used by some very sick and warped people.
 
Hi there! How are you doing now? Did you decide to move out?

Please - get out of that situation, get out of that relationship. Take the chance to live with your grandma. Anything to get yourself in a safe and healthy situation.

Only when you are out of the situation, you can process things, and find out your personal reasons why you love people who hurt you. I personally do think there can be several reasons why you love someone like that. Read about relationship dynamics in (emotionally) abusive relationships. Abusers do all sorts of things that make you fall in love. For example when a victim feels dependent and the abuser goes back and forth between being nice and being abusive, the victim can get more attached instead of less (look at stockholm syndrome). Often in the beginning they paint this ideal picture that you keep longing back for. And they can be extra caring and loving on some moments, especially the moments when you are ready for leaving. There are also features in the victims of abuse that make them love abusers. For me, I was insecure and lonely and easy to manipulate and used to abuse&love being connected in earlier situations. I easily dissociated from or denied the bad stuff. I had learned to care more for others than myself and ignore my own boundaries. Etcetera.

But first things first: please, be strong and leave. Before he hurts you more. It needs strenght and some planning, but I'm sure you can do it.

You don't want to spend the rest of your life in this situation, and lose more and more of yourself, do you?

Good luck!
 
There's places that exist where you can get to in case of domestic abuse... I had some here by didn't get there because it was only verbal abuse at the time
But I almost got killed... he was not a violent person. Don't take chances, plan ahead, you can go see a social worker, they might help you with that.
 
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