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Don't feel human anymore

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whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I can't think of any other way to describe this. I'm feeling (and have felt, for many months, maybe longer) very disconnected from people around me. It's different from the usual dissociation I get. I feel alien in this world. Ok, I am not delusional and believe I am an alien - although that might be fun :p - but I don't feel like I belong here.

I talk to people (when I have to) and am able to hold rational, intelligent, coherent conversations, but it feels like there is a film between me and them. And it is painful to interact with others. Inside I am screaming or I just want to burst into tears.

Sometimes, when the disconnection or the interactions get to be too painful I cut and that makes it feel better. I think because it puts this body in contact more with the "real" world.

Seems all this might have something to do with my extreme lack of trust in anybody and my also the fact that all the times I've tried to reach out to people here, for help or just for friendship, no one has reached back. Or that no one ever reaches out to me. I think over the last year or so I've isolated more and more, to the point that I communicate more with my cats than I do with people. People don't feel safe at all, so I limit interaction with them to very superficial stuff.

I don't know how to move out of this place I'm in and back out into the world. :-(
 
On same spaceship as you.

Sometimes i wonder if wearing the mask and talking to humans making things worse.

For me..the world is too loud too much too strange. I question my existence and feel trapped in this human body. My emotions at times are primal and animal. Myself as a whole...dont fit into public. I wake up with as human and I come home as an alien. Everyday
 
I must admit I can relate. Although I've been able to work on it and it's lessening.
I find it or gets too much I reach out to my own inner being, on the inside. I practise self acceptance and I just try to be present for myself.
No one else fully understands who we are on the inside, and it is really this inner person that I feel I need to connect with, because, for me, the disconnection feels like I am cut off from myself, my soul, my humaness, my heart.

So I sing, I write poetry, I cry, I hug and stroke myself, to self soothe. I appreciate nature, I write, read, watch, breathe and try to just allow what I feel (or don't feel) to be ok.

I don't know if that applies or is helpful, but I sure have found myself in those states, plenty, and it's profoundly alienating and those are some of the things that work for me.
I hope this helps, I feel for you. Reaching out from the north coast of Australia :-)
 
Can only share about trust. I do feel like I don't belong to the human race sometimes. Because underneath my mask I am fragile. And I don't want people to know that, not in the world. I don't feel that way here, but I didn't automatically feel safe here either... I had to learn who I could trust. I had to reach out to some here that I did feel some kind of link with... like in a PM and ask questions.... sorry you feel you have been neglected here.

I had to learn to trust myself. In tiny little increments, a lot of stepping on my own toes backing away from people who truly were not good for me. But I will say, you sharing how left out you feel here was brave and let us know you are hurting and you need that pain acknowledged.
Hopefully that will change for you. This can be such a dark ride, and we need to know others are here for us .... and the trade off, is being present for others sometimes too, even when we feel we have nothing to offer, we can send hugs....

If you are an alien, then so are we... which, like you said, can be fun. We don't see the world like others do.... and our job here is to fit inside our own skin, not necessarily fit in the world.... so we hear you. Just keep moving forward, at some point, things do start to make sense. Sending gentle hugs if you accept.
 
On same spaceship as you.

Sometimes i wonder if wearing the mask and talking to humans making thi...

Yeah. Sorry you feel this way, too.

I must admit I can relate. Although I've been able to work on it and it's lessening.
I find it or g...

Thank you. I do some of those things, although I am struggling with the creative part. I really wish I could do more of the poetry writing or return to my regular essay writing. I think that would help.

I also feel a *need* to feel connected to others - certain others, not just any others - but an inability to connect. I just can't figure out how to accomplish that.

Can only share about trust. I do feel like I don't belong to the human race sometimes. Because underneath...

Thank you! Yes, can definitely relate to the fragility. I feel fragile as glass underneath the mask. And like no one recognizes or is careful of that.

And I'm sorry. When I said I don't feel like I belong "here" I meant in this "world", not on this forum. I actually feel pretty comfortable here. Mostly, anyway. :-)
 
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I posted something extremely similar to this, but probably in the wrong section (dysregulation). I feel like this the majority of the time. I even have to remind myself to use 'manners'. It is such an odd feeling.
 
I posted something extremely similar to this, but probably in the wrong section (dysregulation). I fee...

It really is! :-( I feel like this all the time now, too, for probably close to a year. It just keeps getting worse and worse and I can't figure out how to make it better, how to feel "normal" - my kind of normal, anyway - again. I force myself to do all the things that I've always done, but now it all feels fake and, like I said, I have to force myself.

I'm sorry you feel this way, too. Glad, though, that I'm not the only one.
 
Faking facial expressions and mannerism definitely is forced. Otherwise, I'm sure I would just come off as a heartless cnt. Lol.
I've been feeling this way off and on since my ptsd. Some days are good, some months even. When I used to take daily walks it seemed to help my state of mind a bit more. I'm not sure how to fully get rid of feeling alien either. Some days if I think about it too hard I feel like a sociopath.
 
I think I understand how you feel. I used to live in isolation and I had some friends that I tried reaching out to, but to no avail. They just weren´t very involved. This was three years ago.

I have since learned to reach out a little bit more and I have ditched my uninvolved friends. I have very few, but very good friends now who genuinely care about me and who will regularly ask what´s up. I can say I love them with honesty.

You will get there too. It takes time, but you are expressing this wish for better contact. Cats are better than nobody, they are very intelligent and empathetic, but it´s true that they can´t replace humans. I hope you find closer contacts soon.
 
I was pretty social before the ptsd hit me. Up until recently, not social at all. I seriously had nothing in common with people anymore. I hated it and loved it all at the same time.

I didn't realize how cut off I was until just recently and got involved in community again. The people I hang out with now are very different than the techie dweebs I hung out with before. But man, oh man, are they good people with a great dose of humility. I am happy to have the connections again.... it is just a different type of connection and I think that is due to the changes I have gone through.
 
Some days if I think about it too hard I feel like a sociopath.

Oh yeah. I'm so glad I'm dissociative. Means I just really don't think much at all.

You will get there too. It takes time, but you are expressing this wish for better contact. Cats are better than nobody, they are very intelligent and empathetic, but it´s true that they can´t replace humans. I hope you find closer contacts soon.

Thanks, @Rad. I hope you're right. I used to be there, but it's been so long that sometimes I'm positive I'll never get back to that point. :-(

I was pretty social before the ptsd hit me. Up until recently, not social at all. I seriously had no...

I'm starting to see a pattern here. :-) Before PTSD, things are ok. PTSD, not so great. After PTSD, better. I guess that's encouraging, huh?
 
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I wonder sometimes if we concern our self too much with fitting in... not a lot about the world makes sense to us and makes us anxious and fearful. I feel my journey has been more about fitting 'inside my own skin'.... just accepting myself, warts and all... I am not a follower by nature, so 'being like others' feels so absolutely boring to me . I remember taking my boys to a youth baseball game.. And I was setting there listening to the other moms talking..... and all I could think of was ' Stepford Wives'.... cookie cutter soccer moms... B O R I N G...
I wanted to shock them into the real world and ask.... "have you ever been so abused you are fighting so see if you even belong on this earth"....you know, just to see them blink their eyes really fast.... but of course I didn't. Don't want to shatter their little bubble.... I would still rather be me than them....
We know the hard truths about the world we live in. Ugly and senseless, yes, but we have hearts of gold, end up being some of the best friends of people, and we don't back down easily, or at least I don't. Maybe THEY are the ones that aren't human.... hmmmm.
 
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