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Dv charges

Discussion in 'Domestic Violence' started by St.Maybe, Oct 4, 2017.

  1. St.Maybe

    St.Maybe Active Member

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    Today the state took out a domestic violence charge... against me, after I knocked out my boyfriend in the middle of a suicide attempt... his second attempt this month.

    He was in the middle of a severe flashback, and began doing the same things he did the last time he tried to kill himself... I felt it was a matter of life and death. He retrieved one of his knives from the spot where I thought it was hiding... I won't get into detail, but he didn't harm himself. He said he was going to kill himself, that this was the place he'd do it, and that he'd bleed out on my floor... then proceeded groan/scream the way he did the last time he opened himself up in an attempt to end his own life. I didn't hesitate, and it only took me a second or so to scan every item in reach. I chose the least harmful looking object I thought would subdue him and I took him out.

    I'm so scared and sad... he didn't want to be involuntarily admitted so he insisted that he didn't know what had happened and he was just minding his own business and even his mental health evaluator told me that she and the cops thought I was lying.

    He admitted to remembering a short series of suicide threats and outbursts, grabbing knives and utensils, appearing to struggle with them. He remembered one-hand-flinging me half way across the room and into the wall when I tried to take the knife sharpener from him. He told me he was trying to kill himself with a utensil that ended up bending against his skin before finding himself in a place where he said he felt he couldn't stop, and admitting that he's only been cutting deeper of late.

    Now I'm facing assault charges for intervening on his life, knowing full well that putting my body between him and the knife could have been dangerous... wondering if he even fully registered who I was.

    I've been having flashbacks of his first suicide attempt, and this is not as graphic but still haunts me, so that sometimes I feel like I'm in this spinning whirlwind of scenes from that night. Like I'm turning circles and everywhere I turn, the image of him in some dramatic stride toward self-harm or death.

    No idea what to do. I never wanted to hurt him and I'm heartbroken that anyone could have thought it was malicious. But I also feel incredibly guilty and shit that it went that far... seriously wondering what the hell to do if he needs intervention again and I'm the only one there.

    He told me to place my hands over his and to speak calmly and slowly but I've already been hurt more than once while he's in a state like that... I want to be supportive while taking care of myself and I don't know what to do.
     
    jael likes this.
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  3. St.Maybe

    St.Maybe Active Member

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    To clarify, he admitted to remembering the things I mentioned only after they released him from the hospital. While he was there, he maintained nothing I said was true and they were under the impression that I actually set him up... just an absolute shitshow and I'm dealing with what I feel are actual, legitimate domestic violence issues. Am I totally wrong here? He's not mad, and has told me several times that I'd stopped him at a critical point. Even s0...
     
  4. St.Maybe

    St.Maybe Active Member

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    I feel like nothing is being done in the domestic violence case I have out against my ex except my being advised to request that the case be heard in the mental health docket... Like that's what you get when you rape and stalk your girlfriend.

    I whack my boyfriend with a ukulele to make him drop a knife and cops are telling me I look like I need a long stay in jail. What.
     
  5. St.Maybe

    St.Maybe Active Member

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    the cop on the case tried to get me with felony assault and several other charges but the magistrate didn't approve the majority of them... I hope it gets dropped. I wonder how nervous and unsettled my ex mustt feels bout his charges, now that I'm sitting here facing related ones. oh god.
     
  6. St.Maybe

    St.Maybe Active Member

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    rant over, any response would make me feel much less miserable xP but in any case, be well folks and I hope you've all been smiling.
     
  7. jael

    jael Active Member

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    I am troubled that your boyfriend is comfortable letting you sit with those charges when he could clear the situation up.
     
    dulcia and +littlebird like this.
  8. Justmehere

    Justmehere Defying the odds Moderator Premium Member

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    This sounds like a horrible situation all the way around.

    Do you have an attorney? If so, talk to them first and foremost. Don't keep talking to the police and be extremely careful posting more details here about a pending legal case. You know that whole "anything you say can and will be used against you"? That's true. Legally, if you make statements in your favor, they are not admissible in court. No joke. If you make statements they can twist and use against you --- admissible. So stop talking to the police or the hospital or him.

    Talk to an attorney, ASAP. Don't do anything else about the case until you have gone over it all with a lawyer.

    You can also safely talk to a therapist about what happened.

    Everyone else? Tell them you have no comment and direct them to the attorney. Assault is a really serious charge with possible lifelong consequences and you gotta shut down talking about it outside of legally protected relationships like with an attorney or therapist. I hate to say that, but it's true, especially if an officer is trumping up charges.
    You should not continue to have any contact with him at this time. Period. Especially not about what happened and the charges or any events in your relationship. He is officially considered to be an alleged victim of a domestic violence case and you talking to him at all could really backfire in the hands of a prosecutor on a mission.

    If the police are trumping up charges against you for felony assault, they won't hesistate to also add felony witness tampering if you even accidentally say something that could be misconstrued as asking him to drop the charges or even asking him about the charges at all.

    Which is why you gotta get an attorney - fast -before continuing to talk to other people about the charges.

    As far as returning to a relationship with him now or when this is all over... is this worth your freedom? Is this worth jail time to go through again? Is this worth having problems getting jobs or housing for the rest of your life because this arrest is on your record?

    He needs help. Not to be dating.

    It doesn't even seem like he's willing to confirm what happened. He is willing for you to go to prison instead of taking responsibility for his actions.... and you are really thinking of *staying* in relationship with him? His behavior is traumatic for you as is, and he still won't get help and is willing for your to suffer instead. And you want to stay in relationship with someone who is ok with you being traumatized by their actions and in jail? Yikes!

    It's time to run from this relationship. It's clear not a heathy one for either of you. I'm sorry but that's where things are at now. It's toxic. Time to walk away. I'm so sorry it's come to this.

    If you are aware of him becoming sucidial again, you can ask him to call a crisis line and then you call 911, let the police handle him, and you walk away. No, run away. I totally understand why you did what you did, and I have no idea what I would do in your shoes.... but it is not up to you to physically knock someone out to keep them from hurting themselves. Even a medical doctor or the police, with all their professional rights to physically intervene - even they are not allowed to just hit someone to knock someone out for their own safety. Not with a ukulele or anything else. It is what it is.

    This all stinks so much, I know, and my heart goes out to you.

    You have to walk away now. You don't really have any choice anymore to do anything else but walk away. That is the reality of being dragged into the legal system like this.
    I'd ask if he has been physically harming you, but I don't advise continuing to post about details of the case until the court proceedings are done.

    If he has been harming you, then you got to get out of this relationship ASAP anyhow.... and perhaps a defense attorney can explain that mitigating factor to the DA.

    Either way, a defense attorney can work on hopefully getting the charges dismissed, or deferred and then dismissed after a time of no more charges - and maybe they can help the DA understand this may be a self defense case. If the DA understands how unstable he is, and they recognizes you as the victim in another case, they may be willing to drop all this... but let an attorney figure that out.

    For now, other than getting a lawyer, I'd seek counseling for you and walk away from the relationship with him.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2017
  9. St.Maybe

    St.Maybe Active Member

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    He's certainly trying to fight the charges, and I've sought out legal representation.
    In fact he's willing to come entirely clean, and asked them not to press charges in the first place. I can understand why he wasn't willing to come clean in the hospital but I wish he'd just been honest because it would have saved me a lot of trouble.

    The fact of the matter is, he's sick. We've taken some time apart to just breathe and be with friends and get space while this is going on but he did say he wasn't willing to let me go down for saving his life. I'll be seeking a lawyer regardless and have already given a statement under oath to the magistrate regarding the situation prior to the charges while he was being ECO'd- trust me, they know what happened (at least, according to me) and he's going to tell them what all he remembers now that he's no longer at risk of being put in the looney bin. The officer I ticked off simply didn't believe me, and they apparently had other cases of people being wrongfully ECO'd that night. I don't know what all played into it but we were definitely both in danger and I begged them to get the police and medics over there well before I knocked him out. It's awful, I really do feel terrible but I'll be damned if he was going to attempt suicide in front of me again. He told me to stop him; I can't save a person from themselves but I certainly tried. I've considering leaving. I know he doesn't want that but it has been an ordeal and I know I'm ill-equipped to handle his challenges. I've been telling him so for months and he's finally linked up with a lot of the services he needs but I hope I'm not wrong in the eyes of the law. If neither of us gives false testimony (I have no plans of adding or omitting anything and have urged him to tell the truth as simply as possible) I am so so hopeful it will work in my favor. But I'll definitely quit talking to him about it because there really is no point.

    Calling legal aid tomorrow to see about affordable representation.
     
  10. St.Maybe

    St.Maybe Active Member

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    the lawyers I did call were a bit steep for me but I've got my fingers crossed. So upset and freaked out by whatever charge/s I got but going to take it a step at a time.
     
    +littlebird likes this.
  11. Justmehere

    Justmehere Defying the odds Moderator Premium Member

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    Keep taking it a step at a time. If finances hold you back too much, you may qualify for a public defender. They actually have more or less the same success rates as private attornies as a whole, and they will be more aware of any systemtic problems happening that night - and they may have good leverage with the DA. But do talk to an attorney ASAP. Some criminal defense attornies will give a free one time consult. At least do that ASAP.

    The more you keep talking about the case with all these people involved, the more billable hours any defense attorney will have to spend on the case going through records and figuring out how to handle it from here. So even just on a practical financial level, it will make the lawyers job cheaper and easier to do the less that you try to do on your own.

    Keep in mind that as you have said, he's sick, and while he might be on your side now, he's been willing to lie to many officials to throw you under the bus to save his ass. Even though he has support now, you have already expressed reasonable fear he could destabilize like this again. The stress of a court case is huge for all parties involved and could push him over into that place again. If he does recant, that could line him up for false reporting charges. And jail. He was willing to throw you under the bus to avoid a hospital. I'd hate I see what he's willing to do to avoid jail. It's good he's got services in his life now - people who I'll be hearing just his side of things, not yours, and may be pressuring him to do this or that - in his interest, not yours.

    I know it's temping to believe he's really on your side but this isn't someone you can trust to have your back. That's really clear.

    I'm glad you are cutting communication. The further you can stay away from him, the better for you - and it means that others are more likely see his behavior more clearly.

    Hang in there! One step at a time. :hug:
     
    jael likes this.
  12. St.Maybe

    St.Maybe Active Member

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    Well it worked out, folks, in case anyone was wondering. I thank you very much for the advice- after everything was explained, and before the trial, because it was a lifesaving event they went ahead and dropped the charges.
     
    dulcia, Justmehere and Friday like this.
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