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ED Eating disorder caused by trauma

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brokenbones

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Most of the information out there on eating disorders (ED) is for those who have body dismorphia, who dislike their body. Very little is written on disordered eating due to too much trauma. I have had an ED for 10 years. I starve myself. I eat half the calories I should be getting every day. Amazingly (I don't know how) my weight stays the same. I think it's because I've always had lots of muscle, and muscle doesn't disappear as easily as fat. I'm athletic-looking, quite slim.

Reasons why I don't eat:

- a sense of control. I was sexually abused by my father for 16 years, and I don't want to put anything "icky" in my body, like food. I want my body to be pure, because it feels so defiled and terrible.

- I don't want to live. Why feed myself if my life is so broken, and not worth living?

- I don't want to celebrate. There is nothing to celebrate about in my life. Eating feels too celebratory.

- I don't deserve anything good in life. Why feed something (someone) who has been betrayed, and told they were useless and worthless their whole life? If my parents and most of society have their say, I am just not worth it.

- my stomach is too in turmoil to eat, I feel too emotional all the time. Basically, I can't stomach my life and what I've been through. My stomach hurts all the time, I live with constant nausea, and constant hunger pains, even while and immediately after I eat.

I am getting help for this, but it is slow. It seems that a society as f*cked up as this one should care for the victims of its sickness and failings. But, it is so hard to get help because so many people are hurting. Waiting lists are long. That's okay, I'll just shoulder the failings of this society and hate myself and my life for longer. Everyone else can ignore that these problems exist, and they can collude in these failings as long as they ignore them and refuse to help solve them. I need some help. Can anyone give me any words of wisdom?
 
It's weird. I'm in the most ferocious (bad) mood, but writing this out has helped me. I can see on paper why I don't eat. I emailed myself this entry, and feel like I want to rearrange these symptoms, as in, get real with them and change my eating habits because I can't trust what perpetrators say: I have to be worth more than what criminals and abusers say about me.
 
I think you deserve good in life. I also suffer from trauma related eating disorder... Im always on such high guard I can just go forever with out eating and rarely feel hunger. When I do eat im so paranoid about chemicals from the plates/forks/knives/what not getting into my food. I also maintain a pretty standard weight of 150 even thou im 6'6.

Hope you can get your eating back on track.
-BrokenToker
 
You are not alone. My Anorexia was due to PTSD from abuse and other traumas. It was really annoying how people assumed that it was because I didn't want to be "fat". They thought they were helping me by giving me long talks about my body image... It only made things worse. I wasn't eating for FAR more complex reasons than that...pretty much what you both described, especially "I want my body to be pure, because it feels so defiled and terrible," "Eating feels too celebratory" and "I don't want to live". I was OBSESSED with keeping my body exactly the same as it was when the trauma occurred (the body of a child and not a woman). I still have issues with being comfortable with femininity and being in an adult woman's body...

I was able to eat again only after:
a) I lowered my stress and anxiety by being in the hospital with plenty of support and nothing to worry about except for myself. There was no way I would have started eating again if I hadn't been given that "vacation".
b) I decided that I cared enough about certain causes to survive so that I can contribute.
c) Every time I ate I thought about these causes (my reasons for existing, my chosen purpose)
d) I reminded myself of the importance of eating and taking care of myself and thought about this every time I ate.
e) I put myself on a schedule and practiced "mechanical eating" until I got my appetite back. [Google "mechanical eating".]
f) I worked with a dietitian to create an eating schedule and started with a menu built from foods I felt "safe" eating and worked my way up from there.

Maybe some of those things will work for you. It's totally possible to recover from an ED. It's like being in a knot and trying to untangle yourself, and everybody's knot is different so there is no single "cure" or therapy that is right for everybody. The same thing pretty much applies to PTSD.
 
Wow, so good to hear both your experiences. I'm not happy you're experiencing them, just happy to finally feel somebody gets me and is going through the same thing. I'll google mechanical eating. I think I've been doing that for a while. Just eating because I have to. Everything tastes like styrofoam, I have no appetite.
 
Hey Brokenbones,

I also suffered from an eating disorder directly after my trauma. I dropped down to 40kgs about 90 pounds or 6 stones. I excercised like a loon as well. I used to like feeling the bones through my skin.

It is quite a lot of the time caused by self hatred, in my case it was. I just wanted to hurt myself and this was one of the ways.

Through therapy and life experiences. I learned to love myself. Learning to love yourself is so important. You have to look after your body, we only have one life.

Even when you are not hungry try eating three times a day. Say breakfast, toast with some jam, lunch maybe a banana, and dinner maybe some chicken, vegetables and rice. Plan you dinners. Routine helps.
 
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