brokenbones
New Here
Most of the information out there on eating disorders (ED) is for those who have body dismorphia, who dislike their body. Very little is written on disordered eating due to too much trauma. I have had an ED for 10 years. I starve myself. I eat half the calories I should be getting every day. Amazingly (I don't know how) my weight stays the same. I think it's because I've always had lots of muscle, and muscle doesn't disappear as easily as fat. I'm athletic-looking, quite slim.
Reasons why I don't eat:
- a sense of control. I was sexually abused by my father for 16 years, and I don't want to put anything "icky" in my body, like food. I want my body to be pure, because it feels so defiled and terrible.
- I don't want to live. Why feed myself if my life is so broken, and not worth living?
- I don't want to celebrate. There is nothing to celebrate about in my life. Eating feels too celebratory.
- I don't deserve anything good in life. Why feed something (someone) who has been betrayed, and told they were useless and worthless their whole life? If my parents and most of society have their say, I am just not worth it.
- my stomach is too in turmoil to eat, I feel too emotional all the time. Basically, I can't stomach my life and what I've been through. My stomach hurts all the time, I live with constant nausea, and constant hunger pains, even while and immediately after I eat.
I am getting help for this, but it is slow. It seems that a society as f*cked up as this one should care for the victims of its sickness and failings. But, it is so hard to get help because so many people are hurting. Waiting lists are long. That's okay, I'll just shoulder the failings of this society and hate myself and my life for longer. Everyone else can ignore that these problems exist, and they can collude in these failings as long as they ignore them and refuse to help solve them. I need some help. Can anyone give me any words of wisdom?
Reasons why I don't eat:
- a sense of control. I was sexually abused by my father for 16 years, and I don't want to put anything "icky" in my body, like food. I want my body to be pure, because it feels so defiled and terrible.
- I don't want to live. Why feed myself if my life is so broken, and not worth living?
- I don't want to celebrate. There is nothing to celebrate about in my life. Eating feels too celebratory.
- I don't deserve anything good in life. Why feed something (someone) who has been betrayed, and told they were useless and worthless their whole life? If my parents and most of society have their say, I am just not worth it.
- my stomach is too in turmoil to eat, I feel too emotional all the time. Basically, I can't stomach my life and what I've been through. My stomach hurts all the time, I live with constant nausea, and constant hunger pains, even while and immediately after I eat.
I am getting help for this, but it is slow. It seems that a society as f*cked up as this one should care for the victims of its sickness and failings. But, it is so hard to get help because so many people are hurting. Waiting lists are long. That's okay, I'll just shoulder the failings of this society and hate myself and my life for longer. Everyone else can ignore that these problems exist, and they can collude in these failings as long as they ignore them and refuse to help solve them. I need some help. Can anyone give me any words of wisdom?