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Ecptsd ("extremely Complex" Ptsd)?

  • Thread starter Deleted member 29522
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Deleted member 29522

I'm finding that there are very few people who have as extensive and complex a trauma history as I do, but don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to wear it like I badge or something. I'm expressing a frustration about the lack of resources or even support circles for people like me who have been through so very much and have so very far to go on the road to recovery. Here's a laundry list as brief as I can make it without getting into too many specific incidents:

I was abused physically/sexually/verbally/psychologically for multiple years in childhood by multiple people. Hospitalized for suicidal at age 15. Many "close calls" with death like bullets whizzing by or nearly falling off cliffs. Multiple car accidents including two head-on collisions. Multiple family traumas such as assault, domestic violence, divorce, homelessness, death, nearly murdering my brother, etc. In my former career as a newspaper photographer I can't even count the number of tragedies, fatalities, murders, horrific car crashes, fires, violent protests, natural disasters, and otherwise extremely dangerous, violent, and potentially life-threatening situations and incidents that I have endured through and am horribly haunted by every day of my life. And on top of that my work environment at the paper was the most intensely hostile I've ever been in. In 2008 at age 30 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and spent 6 months in chemo. I won in 2009, but it left its mark on me with residual pain, nausea, cognitive impairment and low energy, even now 5 years later. I managed to keep my photojournalist job but then in 2011 I was laid off in a slew of nasty cuts at the newspaper. I was devastated. My body was giving out already, with a bad disc in my back, a torn shoulder, a torn knee, small bone growths in my hips and bursitis and arthritis all over the place. After 20 years in the closet I finally came out to my family and friends (yup I'm a gay dude) and ended two decades of pain, suffering, shame, and guilt and dishonesty, but the struggle never really ends, even in today's more tolerant society. Only two people were not cool about it and they unfortunately were people I was counting on to help make my new life after the newspaper. I ended up almost hospitalized in a deep major depression episode. I left that situation and attempted to start a small business with some other friends but it failed miserably and left me broke and even more broken. There's been a series of nothing but failures and lost friendships and horrible situations since then, and now I'm on disability spending my days hiding inside and being utterly miserable and hating my life and the world and myself for the better part of those days. I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and at this point my accumulated traumas both mentally and physically have become too much to manage on my own. I'm a mess to say the least, and every day is a massive struggle. I hope some folks here can speak to such complex and intense trauma histories as mine and possibly gain something as well. Thanks for reading.
 
Oh, I think you'll find you're in good company. Short of your medical problems and coming out of the closet (I'm not gay, so I do not have that experience, but I have had a non-traditional sex life that I've gone to great lengths to hide from most people) I've had basically the same issues and then some (as I'm sure you've also left some things off). I've spent some time thinking I was cursed. And some more time thinking I was the biggest idiot in the world for putting myself into so many of these situations even after I had gained control of my life. What I have come to realize through just a short time in therapy and through the experiences of the other folks on this site is that I was set up for this stuff from the start. We develop these coping mechanisms early in life that we carry with us long after they lose their utility. They lead us into things otherwise healthy people would not be led to and they cause us to react in ways that others just don't. It makes everything more difficult.

I think being here will be helpful for you and if you aren't already seeing a therapist that will likely also be tremendously beneficial. I know for me making sense of things has been key and they can really help with that. And welcome!
 
Welcome PTSDude
I'm finding that there are very few people who have as extensive and complex a trauma history as I do,
Some of us are very open in detail about our traumas, others reticent to be explicit. For me it has been unpeeling the layers of an onion. There are the obvious traumas, but the hidden are coming to the light of day. Numbers of incidents of trauma do not quantify impact, or how each individual life has been altered. Read the journals. You are not alone here, not unique.
 
Welcome. If you're trying to find others who have your exact line-up of events and history, maybe not. If you're trying to find others who relate to having survived multiple traumas, some like your, some different, then you will find people who relate. Not sure what the comparisons are about or who you are relating to. Your friends, support groups?

Many people with complex trauma histories here...multiple traumas over a long period of time. Mine includes very early trauma, physical and sexual abuse/assault, pscyh abuse (terrorizing and gaslighting, though I don't factor that in much), and multiple life-threatening medical traumas, age 0-early adulthood. I don't talk about details much because I'm working on my own story through therapy and have certain personal boundaries around what I say online or even attach words to. But some people do have diaries on here to share more of their stories. Besides, for me it doesn't matter who relates to my details of assault or number of intubations.

I appreciate finding others who can relate to some of my symptoms and challenges because those are often similar. I've survived years of addiction, self-injury, and suicide attempts, but now am stuck with periodic meltdowns, isolation, and chronic pain. I'm more interested in reconnecting than continuing to feel like a cast away, fundamentally different or damaged. I don't just wait for others to relate to my story, and I don't look for how we are different. I look for how I relate. I respond when I can relate or feel like I have something to offer, and let others respond when I can't.

Trauma effects us in some pretty specific ways. For longer term or childhood trauma it can get muddy and less clear-cut in terms of healing, but it's possible (challenging questions like what is my true personality and what is a sort of defense?). There are many people who relate to these challenges and there are ways to work through it in therapy. Just not a sort of 5-week quick-fix therapy, but better if you can find the right person and stick with it so slowly sort everything out.
 
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Welcome. You will meet many people here who can relate to you, and whose perspectives can help you in your own healing journey. Many of us also have complex PTSD (myself included).

I'm expressing a frustration about the lack of resources or even support circles for people like me who have been through so very much and have so very far to go on the road to recovery.

I have personally experienced this very same type of frustration. You have come to the right place my friend. :)
 
Thank you all for the replies so far. I was mainly referring to others I know and have known in life, as well as the general focus of PTSD caused by photojournalism work. I didn't lurk here at all before I joined so I'm literally walking into a room full of strangers that had a sign on the door reading "PTSD forum, talk about your problems here". Sorry if people took it to mean I'm minimizing others' experiences, that was certainly never my intention. My issue with finding support is that for the most part, the support available for photojournalists is geared exclusively for those who did combat photography. In the photojournalism world people like me who merely had dozens of witnessed horrors and terrifying experiences behind the camera but never left the country are seen as "whiners" who didn't have what it takes to do the job. We as seen as merely weak and not authentically traumatized. Still, I was clearly not a good candidate for a job involving intense situations and so having a multitude of traumas eating away at me already merely left me open to being crushed by the weight of all the new traumas. I've never really had any therapy that was effective or lasted long enough to deal with pretty much any of it so it just keeps piling up and getting more tangled and screwed up and making it impossible to even have a thought without triggering. You all know that story. It's just there's soooooo many things, so many nightmares spanning three decades... thanks for you patience as I learn this site and how you all do things.
 
Still, I was clearly not a good candidate for a job involving intense situations and so having a multitude of traumas eating away at me already merely left me open to being crushed by the weight of all the new traumas.

It's helpful if you know this about yourself. There are many things I can do well, and other things I find I just can't handle as well as other people. It's good to know where I can be creative and do good work, and where I just add to my stress heap.

(so you're comparing to your colleagues, now I get it)

Have you talked about childhood trauma in therapy? I've been through lots of CBT therapy for years of anorexia. The CBT focus in these cases was very present-oriented. I didn't feel like they needed to know about my past and I didn't know how to bring it up or feel like it could be worked on. Basically, I never had a therapist I trusted with this stuff. If you search for a trauma therapist, or even more specifically one that works with childhood or complex trauma, you might feel more hopeful. I've found I don't have to hash out every incident and detail. I've slowly but sort of naturally worked towards the bigger ones that have more affect on my current life, the deeper patterns that formed a long time ago. If you work with the wrong therapist, I can understand feeling like this is all poorly understood. CPTSD isn't even in the DSM. But there are therapists who understand complex trauma very well (and yes, lots of people here too).
 
Yeah I've been unable to find a therapist who even seems to want to listen at all. I had a counselor last year who was horrible. I told him I was feeling suicidal and almost drove into oncoming traffic on the way to his office and he just nodded and looked vaguely concerned and said nothing. I was referred to a therapist by my primary doctor but that guy literally told me that he was not interested in working through any specific trauma at all and that if I wanted a doctor who would do that I should look elsewhere. I live in an area where there's very few mental health resources available as it is, and now that so many new people have healthcare, the doctor shortage has only intensified. I'm kind of screwed.
 
A lot of run into the problem that in the area we live in, or the field we work in, has great trauma resources... For other people!!! LOL. Murphey's Law, strikes again. ;). It really is a special kind of vexing. And it doesn't matter which traumas our local area focuses on (in mine CSA & GLBTQxyz & Rape)... If. It's. Not. Ours. Gaaaaaaahh. Forehead. Meet drywall. :banghead:

I currently drive 5 hours each way and cross a state line (clearly, west coast, to only cross one) to get to a trauma therapist who has any experience with my issues. I'm another of the complicated people on here (whole lot of us) who started off with one type of trauma, and then just kept stacking different traumas on over the years. It's a common thing. At least here in PTSD-Land. Maybe not out in the world, but common amongst sufferers.

As for your colleagues? Pfft. Soldiers AND Cops both get PTSD. CombatJournalism vs Home has the same link.

If I could make a suggestion... Keep on the lookout for a trauma therapist who focuses on First Responders. A lot don't advertise, they get clients through (hush hush) word of mouth via police/ fire/ EMTs/ SAR. That's how I found mine during my 6 month schlep though too many therapists to count trying to find anyone who had any experience with my issues. Someone I know through Disaster Response pointed me his way. Disaster Response isn't my primary trauma (combat), it's one I added on later, but it's fairly close. Horseshoes & hand grenades close, I don't know if this will work out long term.... But by all the Saints, it's nice not to be stared at like a comic book character (or something you scraped off the bottom of your shoe)... When my history is flat out boring/normal in the circles I ran in.
 
I live in an area where there's very few mental health resources available as it is, and now that so many new people have healthcare, the doctor shortage has only intensified. I'm kind of screwed.

Are you able to travel at all? Not sure what is available if extending your range is even an option. Right in my local area the majority of therapists are MS social workers who deal with things like GAD and depression, all talk therapies. I actually travel over 90 miles for my trauma therapy and I'm happy with it. I can't go every week, but I'm also not a danger to myself...so it's a slower process but worth a lot more than weekly therapy that feels useless to me. It really sucks that there aren't more qualified trauma therapists, as if this is some rare condition (unfortunately it's not, but it is probably vastly undertreated).
 
I always found it almost a cruel thing that first responders, police, and military in many cases have resources through their agencies for counseling, but for some reason journalists have none and are expected to suffer. I realize that the media is very much disliked and so there's rarely much sympathy for us but I can't begin to express people just how NOT me that was. It's been four years now and the cops in that small town still talk about how much they miss having me respond to incidents rather than the jackasses they had before and now after, due to my unrelenting professionalism and quality work. The fire department gave me a turnout jacket because I was inside fire lines working among them so often they wanted to keep me safer! And the cops were actually considering helping me purchase body armor so I'd be safe inside their lines. Readers actually wrote me "fan mail" as my editor called it, actual mailed notes and thank you cards. It was a trip! My publisher, of 30+ years in the newspaper business called me one of the best photojournalists he'd ever seen. Didn't stop him from laying me off the moment corporate said "lose some people"... which is why it's all the more tragic that I've had to walk away from that career. Now the camera is a major trigger object for me, and so I almost never even touch one. Anyway, I may be able to track down the local cop/firefighter therapist in my current town and see if he/she is able to at least refer me to someone else if not let me make a preliminary appointment to see if we're a fit. Traveling is very hard since I have a hard time even leaving the house, and also due to my injuries and health problems, it hurts to be in the car more than about 30 minutes. At times I feel pretty optionless that's for sure.
 
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