D
Deleted member 29522
I'm finding that there are very few people who have as extensive and complex a trauma history as I do, but don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to wear it like I badge or something. I'm expressing a frustration about the lack of resources or even support circles for people like me who have been through so very much and have so very far to go on the road to recovery. Here's a laundry list as brief as I can make it without getting into too many specific incidents:
I was abused physically/sexually/verbally/psychologically for multiple years in childhood by multiple people. Hospitalized for suicidal at age 15. Many "close calls" with death like bullets whizzing by or nearly falling off cliffs. Multiple car accidents including two head-on collisions. Multiple family traumas such as assault, domestic violence, divorce, homelessness, death, nearly murdering my brother, etc. In my former career as a newspaper photographer I can't even count the number of tragedies, fatalities, murders, horrific car crashes, fires, violent protests, natural disasters, and otherwise extremely dangerous, violent, and potentially life-threatening situations and incidents that I have endured through and am horribly haunted by every day of my life. And on top of that my work environment at the paper was the most intensely hostile I've ever been in. In 2008 at age 30 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and spent 6 months in chemo. I won in 2009, but it left its mark on me with residual pain, nausea, cognitive impairment and low energy, even now 5 years later. I managed to keep my photojournalist job but then in 2011 I was laid off in a slew of nasty cuts at the newspaper. I was devastated. My body was giving out already, with a bad disc in my back, a torn shoulder, a torn knee, small bone growths in my hips and bursitis and arthritis all over the place. After 20 years in the closet I finally came out to my family and friends (yup I'm a gay dude) and ended two decades of pain, suffering, shame, and guilt and dishonesty, but the struggle never really ends, even in today's more tolerant society. Only two people were not cool about it and they unfortunately were people I was counting on to help make my new life after the newspaper. I ended up almost hospitalized in a deep major depression episode. I left that situation and attempted to start a small business with some other friends but it failed miserably and left me broke and even more broken. There's been a series of nothing but failures and lost friendships and horrible situations since then, and now I'm on disability spending my days hiding inside and being utterly miserable and hating my life and the world and myself for the better part of those days. I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and at this point my accumulated traumas both mentally and physically have become too much to manage on my own. I'm a mess to say the least, and every day is a massive struggle. I hope some folks here can speak to such complex and intense trauma histories as mine and possibly gain something as well. Thanks for reading.
I was abused physically/sexually/verbally/psychologically for multiple years in childhood by multiple people. Hospitalized for suicidal at age 15. Many "close calls" with death like bullets whizzing by or nearly falling off cliffs. Multiple car accidents including two head-on collisions. Multiple family traumas such as assault, domestic violence, divorce, homelessness, death, nearly murdering my brother, etc. In my former career as a newspaper photographer I can't even count the number of tragedies, fatalities, murders, horrific car crashes, fires, violent protests, natural disasters, and otherwise extremely dangerous, violent, and potentially life-threatening situations and incidents that I have endured through and am horribly haunted by every day of my life. And on top of that my work environment at the paper was the most intensely hostile I've ever been in. In 2008 at age 30 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and spent 6 months in chemo. I won in 2009, but it left its mark on me with residual pain, nausea, cognitive impairment and low energy, even now 5 years later. I managed to keep my photojournalist job but then in 2011 I was laid off in a slew of nasty cuts at the newspaper. I was devastated. My body was giving out already, with a bad disc in my back, a torn shoulder, a torn knee, small bone growths in my hips and bursitis and arthritis all over the place. After 20 years in the closet I finally came out to my family and friends (yup I'm a gay dude) and ended two decades of pain, suffering, shame, and guilt and dishonesty, but the struggle never really ends, even in today's more tolerant society. Only two people were not cool about it and they unfortunately were people I was counting on to help make my new life after the newspaper. I ended up almost hospitalized in a deep major depression episode. I left that situation and attempted to start a small business with some other friends but it failed miserably and left me broke and even more broken. There's been a series of nothing but failures and lost friendships and horrible situations since then, and now I'm on disability spending my days hiding inside and being utterly miserable and hating my life and the world and myself for the better part of those days. I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and at this point my accumulated traumas both mentally and physically have become too much to manage on my own. I'm a mess to say the least, and every day is a massive struggle. I hope some folks here can speak to such complex and intense trauma histories as mine and possibly gain something as well. Thanks for reading.