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Childhood Embarrassing Acting Out Behaviour.

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koalaburger

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I was so abused verbally and sometimes physically by my father. He called me stupid and tried to shut me up all the time. The only way I got attention was to be a pest and annoy him. Bad attention is better than no attention. All my life I have pushed into conversations and made a goose of myself. I have repeated the pattern and have tried so hard to stop this masochism. I have been in therapy for decades and tried to fit in at various groups of people. I am so terrified of rejection or abandonment it is automatic to make a dick of myself. The words come out of my mouth before I even think of them. I now isolate and watch TV and eat.
 
I'm a little bit similar -- with my mom it was easier to just be inconspicuous and not to share any of my ideas or feelings because there was no telling how they'd be received. So now when I try to fit in with people I'm just sort of ... lost. I have very limited skills and end up just screwing up. I either sit there like a bump on a log with nothing to contribute, or I try to punch up my self-confidence and put myself out there--but in these cases I feel I usually make a big loud ass of myself, monopolizing the conversation, etc because I just don't know what the hell I'm doing! I tend to avoid parties or large gatherings because I just don't know how to join in the little clusters of group conversation ... last time I tried was a year ago, and later my husband told me he noticed someone got really offended and hurt because shortly after we got there I tried to join her conversation and in the process I "interrupted" her when she were talking. It was a loud bar, I couldn't really hear their conversation as I approached, and I was just trying to say hi so I wouldn't be standing there awkwardly by myself. I don't feel bad because this particular person talks over people all the time, but it doesn't change the fact that I only did it because I felt lost and had no idea what else to do and was ultimately unable to participate fully in socializing the way others seem to do with no problem.

I also have a tendency to be accidentally hurtful -- like I try and lightheartedly tease people or engage in what seems like fun mutual ribbing when other people do it with each other, but somehow when I do it, it doesn't quite work out.
 
I also share many of the behaviour's @koalaburger & @LadyZane described. I am now a recluse because I feel the pain of embarrassing myself so acutely. Year's of therapy to get me to integrate at even the most basic level has not worked. I feel exhausted with the effort of trying to speak appropriately, mess it up & hide away.
I believe it's fear & anxiety driven.
I am going to get a assistance dog, to help me with this & several other issue's. I did have a dog for 16 year's, he was my best friend & confidant. He kept me calm & I was not overwhelmed by wanting to be accepted by humans. He kept me fit, people would talk to me about him & I felt safe. Have you considered this type of help? There are lot's of practical considerations with caring for a dog. But, these are nothing compared to the love & help they give in return.
 
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