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Emdr Cant Relax

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caramelmix

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OK so I have been in therapy now for about 5 months. I like and intelligently trust my therapist. But my body just lets me down.

We are about to start emdr therapy as she says we have got as far as we can without it. The problem is it's scaring me to death. But not for what seems like the usual reasons. I do not feel like I am scared of the traumas themselves.

I know she is going to use the hand tappers and she has tried to use them a few times when I was struggling with a anxiety attack and I could not stand them. I can totally see how they could work if I was on my own. The thing when there is someone in the room with me and all the concentration is on me I totally freeze up,

Last session she just wanted me to close my eyes, empty my mind and say the first picture that came into my head when she said a certain phrase. But once my eyes close i cant breath i feel like the room is going to crush me and it takes every ounce of control to not run right out the room. I feel totally trapped.

So now she want me to have a think about ways she might be able to help me relax, and quite honestly i don't have a clue what i would find helpful.

I find that talking about myself to another person triggers my anxiety the most.

Any input welcomed, This is my first time in therapy
 
Hi @caramelmix !

Welcome to the forum!:hug:
Also, welcome to the difficult and challenging work of therapy:):hungover::joyful:

It will get better! The rough thing is you're feeling the challenge, the good thing is, you're feeling the challenge.

As you can see, by my nickname here, I'm the master of the freeze and shyness.
As living proof - it does get better! You learn how to come out of the freeze more easily, and learn how to speak more, even when someone is looking at you.

I had a wonderful male therapist for a time, before he was transferred :cry:.
I finally got the courage to tell him I couldn't think or talk if he looked at me. He really surprised me by instantly apologizing. He swung his chair sideways, and looked out the window but was still attuned to me, in a way that was comforting.
We did that for a while until one day we just ended up facing each other like normal people and I found myself, to my amazement, comfortably chatting away. Both of us ended the session with big smiles on our faces. I've never had that problem, since.

As you run into these frightening challenges, the solutions bring unexpected healing to wounded parts of our souls.

You have a lot of challenges, and a lot of wonderful healing, to look forward to.:)
Welcome!!!:hug:
With love and caring,
Deer
 
I found that talking about how I feel in my body to be a really triggering aspect of the possibility of doing therapy, especially with EMDR and somatic experiencing.

EMDR can be done without having to describe much about what is happening somatically. Sometimes therapists can use a suds score (basically your rating of how upsetting something feels on a scale of 1-10) and they don't always need other descriptions.

For me, it took practice, showing up and expericing that my therapist was safe and it really was ok to say what was happening for me, over and over. It got easier, a lot easier, and this part of the therapy was helpful for the rest of my life. It's been easier to tell people how I feel with no shame, no panic.

Closing my eyes in therapy - that has taken a much much longer time feel ok - I'm still working on it. My therapist says it's ok to keep my eye open.

It's good your therapist is adjusting.

I have asked my therapist to not look at me or sometimes turn her chair. We even did some sessions on the phone so u could let go more. Once I did that, it was so much easier to do it in person.

I find that talking about myself to another person triggers my anxiety the most.
This is probably related to core messages about yourself that you believe because of the trauma. Work through this, and you will be working through the trauma, or one of the effects of it, at the same time.
 
thank you so much, I do like the phone idea, I find instant messaging the easiest way to talk about myself because I cant hear or see the reaction and once you hit send in the moment you cant un hit send lol. Also it removes the feeling of it all closing in on me.
 
Last session she just wanted me to close my eyes, empty my mind and say the first picture that came into my head
I never shut my eyes in therapy. That made me feel too unsafe and vulnerable. Once we had established my 'safe place' I put a picture of what I think it would look like on the mantle piece. When I felt overwhelmed in Therapy I could glance at that picture. Later I added a picture of a 'Safe Person', and likewise during EMDR I would glance at her and felt better. EMDR is very difficult but I did find it helped me a lot!
 
Thank you Lucycat, I had therapy today and she worked through an email I had sent in, she has changed her mind and decided we are not yet ready for emdr, which at this current stage I am happy about.
 
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