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Emotional Boundaries Discussion

Discussion in 'General' started by nml, Jul 26, 2006.

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  1. nml

    nml Active Member

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    <added by anthony: I have split these posts from the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread219.html"]emotional boundaries[/DLMURL] discussion within the interpersonal relationships forum.>

    I never really had any boundaries. I havent gotten this far in the workbook though my sponsor has me working on boundaries. Ive lately been realizing people who had been in my life will piss on ya and tell ya its raining.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2015
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  3. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    The way I've been figuring...
    Everyone has their price.

    Now let me explain this...

    It doesn't have to be for money,
    it could be for a spouse/business/material items/power/greed or just to save their own ass!
    Whatever their reason... I personally feel that unless the person is a family member/spouse/best friend (which still isn't even always the case) I can't fully trust them.

    I didn't always feel this way.
    But I got where I am today by being too trusting...
    by assuming that the other person had my best interest in mind.
    I didn't have any boundries... and I let myself be walked over.

    Unfortunatly
    Now, in my mind...
    I think people usually have ulterior motives when they try to befriend me.

    This probally isn't very healthy.
    So now I have to work on breaking down some of my "protective" boundaries.
    Which is why I am so fortunate to have found this site.
    I don't fear anyone here...
    ... and my trust level is slowly going up...

    Cheers!
     
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  4. lorrie

    lorrie New Member

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    forehead

    I am just now hitting the intensity part and dealing with how much boundaries
    can either help or hinder a situation.

    But I always wondered why I would get picked on and I bet it has something to do with boundaries. I'm 5'9" slender and blonde, so you wouldn't think I'd have a problem. But when my inability to set boundaries or have ground control it must become obvious to others which gives them the upper hand. In other words, my forehead reads: walk here!
     
  5. nml

    nml Active Member

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    Ive been quite the doormat myself Lorrie. Boundaires were crossed before age 5 and a long time afterward. It seems everyone else in my world had them but me and if I tried to I was considered conceited and called names by my own mother. Her being self absorbed she coaxed me into always showering her with attention and doing things for her..."if I loved her"...so I have went around proving to people I care or love them by doing way too much for them and nothing for me. I dont even have her in my life now and I think its great. Its been a very big load off my back.
     
  6. rainbowchaser

    rainbowchaser New Member

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    good post. i can't even go there yet, but i know i will come back to this. sometimes it hurts to know i can't/don't protect my fundemental (sp ) rights. sometimes it pisses me off. i get mad at others, or myself. so it's anger or depression. i feel like a monkey on a rope swinging from one to the other.

    nml - i so relate to your postings. my mother was travel agent for guilt trips.
    now i can tell her just how i feel, it doesn't always help. sad part is my sister is just like her. DOUBLE dose. eeeyewww.
     
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  7. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

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    I just read the past few posts on this thread....I have had the privilige to learn alot about boundaries over the past couple of years....I do well with boundry setting most of the time....EXCEPT in the area relating to sexual boundaries... When those boundaries get crossed....I just FREEZE....I know it's a result of all the continued sexual violations by my sperm donor over all those years...I always beat myself up that I got traumatized again....It just dawned on me now...to be gentle with myself....and tell myself I CAN LEARN the skills I need to protect myself in this area....I CAN LEARN!!!! I remember how we would do 3 affirmations in the morning and 3 affirmations in the evening at Del Amo Hospital in California....After each person said each affirmation there was a group response [example: me"I am a good mother" group "yes you are" me"My son loves me" group"yes he does"me "I can learn to protect myself" group"yes you can"] WoW!!!! You guys really jolted my memory back to that phrase.."I CAN LEARN"....I tell myself that just because I didn't protect myself in the past doesn't mean that I won't learn to do it in the future...again...I CAN LEARN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :clap: :clap: WOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!......wildfirewildone
    [I believe that I just had an 'a-ha' moment!!!!!!!!!]
     
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  8. sonrisa

    sonrisa Member

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    Was so open and trusting of everyone for a long time too, so I went totally the other way, but am finding trust in myself, which then informs about who could be okay to trust and what are appropriate boundaries. Definitely self-engrossed parents were a big factor too, and the first time I really said any kind of normal opinion of my own, I was out of the family. Also very definitely a welcome load off the back.

    Tall and blonde too, and consciously make sure I don’t convey any vulnerability in my expressions, but find it nigh on impossible to hide my nature, e.g. if I see someone I know to say hello to I'm often automatically open, even against what my mind is telling me. So for now I keep myself to myself, then I can’t slip up and come over as too easy a target! I feel having this kind of boundary is a healthy one, as it's just until I feel stronger, and until counselling gets underway and working ... it doesn't feel like a cop-out or cowardice to have withdrawn and drawn a big line in the sand, and anyway far too many conventional norms can do harm as they don't take into account that everyone's different. :smile:

    And wildfirewildone, I’m absolutely sure you can learn and that it’s best to be gentle with yourself. The things you’re describing are all about being very vulnerable, low esteem, things like that, so I'm sure being kinder to yourself is a great thing to do.

    Cat
     
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  9. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

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    I swing from one extreme to the other. I freeze and go defensive, then other times I'm really "honest" and "open" in ways other people find freaky and disturbing. The trouble is, my mind is so compartmentalised that whatever I'm doing feels 100% the correct response, and I can't seem to access the rational stuff or the guidance contained in passages such as posted above. I've been thrashing away at it for years and I just keep repeating the same mistakes. I feel as if I'll never learn. :wall:
     
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  10. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    Oh how fun PTSD can be... (can you hear the sarcasm dripping off of that?)

    I'm assuming your talking about the "wow, I can't believe she just shared that..." look that a person will get after you've just revealed something you thought was totally appropriate for the situation.

    Oh and I can't forget the deadening awkard silence after I've just realized that all eyes are on me... and the story I'm telling suddenly goes out of my head and I just freeze with panic.

    stuff I know I have to work on.... lol
     
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