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Emotional Bullshit From Seperation - The Games Played

Discussion in 'General' started by anthony, Jun 6, 2007.

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  1. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Its funny that I have sat here thinking lately of the bullshit games that get played during seperation, you know the one's if you have been with someone a while and seperate, one, the other or both play the shitty little emotional head f*ck games.

    I have had Kerrie playing these with me since seperation, no doubt at all, part of her personality I guess to control through manipulation. It makes me laugh at some of the things people come out with though, the thinking styles I guess when it comes to losing something you want for yourself, or want because you don't want another to have them.

    She would rather negative contact so she atleast has contact, ie. abuse, manipulation, general tactics to simply make contact really. What do these things really achieve in relationship breakdowns though? More heartache, more pain, and with PTSD in the equation, often more illness time.

    An example from a couple of days ago, Kerrie contacts me and wants me to go shopping to replace Alexanders little tricycle that got damaged in the move. Now whilst we bought that here in Melbourne, you can buy the damn things anywhere pretty much around Australia, or something similar, like everywhere you go you can pretty much find kids toys... so here she is ringing me and wanting me to go do it, when I first react that she just wants me to do it for the cost, she then informs me she will pay. So if she is paying for it, then why exactly would I need to go get one if she can get one where she is? I know... control, manipulation, contact... seeing whether I will jump at her commands.

    Like who the hell runs around after someone who you are seperated from? Seperation is for a reason, not for fun and games. I just don't get it. She says in one breathe that she only wants contact if it directly affects the children, then does something completely different.

    She asked me whilst here and moving her things, if she could stay in my house for the Friday, Saturday and "maybe" the Sunday night. Well, she stayed all those nights, then proceeded to stay without permission the Monday night. I was not staying their anyway, as I lived next door with Nic.. no secrets in that one. Well, she knew where I lived, but obviously thought I didn't think she knew or something, played the mind games etc etc... I ignored and did my daily thing, played with the kids, went home... usually first to the coffee shop to chill out having to be around Kerrie.

    She must off assumed that I was trying to hide the fact I was next door, when in fact it was quite the opposite, considering everyone in the street that she would talk too all knew myself and Nic where dating and now living together... no big secret there either. No, I didn't want to rub it in her face, because that is simply stooping to her level IMO to play emotional games.

    Anyway, she pissed me off by staying the Monday night when she was not given permission to do so, as I simply did not want her around me any longer, and considering the house was mine and I was the only one paying for it, and she had not lived their for six months, no brainer really. She called the police the Tuesday morning on me because I was going to remove her from the house, told them the usual shit, I was threatening and intimidating her.... intimidating, NO, threatening to remove her from the house myself if she didn't get out, YES. Anyway, the police turned up, told them the story, she told them her version, they told her to get her shit and get out of the house, same thing I told her... how funny I thought. I still chuckle to myself about her own actions biting her on the arse. You have to know Kerrie I guess to realise how funny that is... just read her mental imagery about being controlling, you may gather the rest then.

    Anyway, she continues to leave, and under police instruction, must hand back the keys to the agent, another thing I demanded from her as she has no legal right to the property, yet wouldn't give me the keys. Oh, thats right, I wouldn't give her the car key I had until she gave me the house keys... funny, simple exchange really, but difficult for herself obviously. She would have lost control if she did that. Any how, the police gave her strict instructions which I checked on all the way to make sure she followed, otherwise I was ringing them back myself and letting them do their job with her, so the next day I go out to the mailbox, and here is a postcard and letter from Kerrie... typical emotional games, then we check our post office box, another postcard, typical emotional games once again. She must have thought they where also secretive? Not sure how, considering her solicitor would have had that information and the post box is where most of nics mail goes anyway.

    Why do women play these emotional games? I know why, because they don't want to let go most likely. They aren't ready yet, even though they don't want the person, they don't want anyone else to have them either. That is the general consensus I believe when it comes to these matters.

    So what emotional games have you played on ex partners, or been played on you? Makes me curious really to see what stories and experience we have in this area. How does it affect you with PTSD? I know it made me sick as hell, hence why I have taken control of these situations now and ignore them completely, ignore stupid requests, and put them back with the person they belong.
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I still get the head games played on me. Even with my move and divorced for 7 years.

    My ex knows I get very ill in June. He knows I have been going down hill right now. I have had 2 hours sleep in the last 48 hours. So he knows how to cause a sneaky maneuver to push me further. Worry and call me several times over my son. Telling me how distressed my son is over our divorce. Calling me to find a therapist. Though I pushed to have him go talk to someone when I moved as I knew it would be hard.

    How I got roped into always seeing him when we first broke up. It was always because of my son needing me which never really turned out to be the case. It was a control game. Contributed to the rape.

    Calling and saying he was sorry I thought he raped me now. He thought I wanted it. This is a fairly new tactic. Even though he was ready to turn himself in when he did it and showed remorse for years, I guess now that I am not right there the head games changed.

    Way too often the head games and emotions are played on using the kids. Kids are normally the pawn to screw with you I have noticed. I was too often more than willing to jump for my son and still fall for it... I normally don't catch it until too late.
     
  4. WarHippy1%

    WarHippy1% Active Member

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    Anthony, I don't know anything about why your relationship ended, but, just the way you describe her actions, I get the impression she doesn't want things to be over. She might have even been the one to instigate the breakup, but it's been my experience that they do these things to test the waters, to see if you still care, and to see if you'll take any steps to get her back. Many times, it's just a ploy, so after you show some interest is still there, they can say, "Too bad, cuz I'm through". Of course, that could be a game too, to see if you'll fight to get her back, but I always gave up after the , "Too bad" part and didn't pursue any further. It's one of those, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" things and I was never willing to look like a complete fool repeatedly. If she was through, she probably wouldn't bother you, but it's obvious that you're still on her mind alot and she's thinking of ways to see you or converse with you, or just pester you so that she knows you're thinking of her too. Remember, when someone wants attention and can't get positive attention, they'll many times opt for negative attention, like children, figuring negative attention is still better than no attention. I don't know if you wanted to hear this, but that is what I perceive happening. Good luck whichever way things go for you.
    Respectfully,
    WarHippy1%
     
  5. Claire

    Claire Well-Known Member

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    I dont play games. Not my style at all. Hate the whole thing. In my opinion it belittles the person playing the game. Its a power trip isn't it? trying to win in someway, whatever that way is, control, revenge, spite or whatever. Its not just girls that do though. Boys can be just as bad.
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Thanks Hippy, always appreciated, and very accurate I must say. I know its games in my case, and I think we all do in most cases, though at the time we often don't see it. I see it now because of what I know from healing and learning about PTSD, techniques for mental control, etc etc... its a form of not letting go, and to bring us often to the same level they are, or want to move too, they just want to drag both parties down at once though, instead of suffering alone.

    I agree veiled, and Kerrie is dangling the kids with her emotional BS... without a doubt, because whenever the negative attention comes up, she mentions its for one of the kids, not for her. Yer right, she wants to make me suffer and use the kids as an excuse. I see it this way, if Kerrie really gave two hoots about the kids "best interest" and "well-being" in every sense as she claims, she would never have taken them further than a stones throw from me, so both her and I could still see, manage and raise our children, instead she opted for her own needs ahead of the childrens, by taking them 12 hours drive away from me so that she can feel better, not the kids. The kids and myself suffer, she is catering herself IMHO.
     
  7. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    games suck, I had a couple of guys play games with me, break up with me and do the "I just want to be friends" thing, next thing that happens, we go out with friends and wake up the next morning and bed together. still not being boyfriend and girlfriend but sleeping together, totally sending mixed messages. It always made me feel worse about myself (I don't need any help in that dept.) that I wasn't good enough to be their girlfriend but good enough to secretly sleep with like they were ashamed of me. That is how I felt, it wasn't true, it was all mind games but that is what it felt like. 3 guys did that to me and it just furthered my self hatred thoughts.
     
  8. cactus_jack

    cactus_jack Well-Known Member

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    Anthony, I hear ya brother. I'll have you in my prayers.
     
  9. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    I have no patience for head games. I've always been the person that just says it's over and walks away. If games start getting played, I will hang up the phone, not answer the door etc... My imprisoned ex is trying to play games. Well I want if you if I get parole here but not if I get sent here... My answer: Your just not that into me. I cut contact and am done with it.

    Darn hard to do though with kids involved. I'm sorry to hear this is taking place Anthony. Keep your focus on your children and your health. I love how her own games are biting her in the ass!

    bec
     
  10. Jet

    Jet Well-Known Member

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    Ok...I am going to play devil's advocate here...sorry.

    Anthony...a few days ago you asked me if it was really for us to judge the thoughts of others and now I am asking you the same.

    A marriage ending is more than just saying goodbye to someone...you know that. When a couple gets married they plan for a future... They don't think about what they will say and how they will react when it comes undone.

    People get all kinds of crazy feelings they aren't expecting and have no place for them to go. Like the house thing...think about it for a minute ok.

    Even if she had been so inclined what would you have done if she had come to you and said Hey Anthony...this really hurts, it's over and we both know it so why does it have to hurt so much...and can't you feel it...when you go in the bedroom do you still hear Caleb's first cry and don't you hear Alexander's footsteps in the hall? Do you remember when we used to dream together and laugh together. What would you have said if she had looked at you and said plain as day...yep, I know it doesn't make a lick of sense but being here, packing up what should have been our life together is bad enough but knowing that you are over there with her...well, it just hurts more then there are words for.

    Don't get me wrong...I am not saying that her actions are ok or that you should allow her to manipulate or abuse you (or the kids). And maybe more than anyone I understand the pain that comes from having someone take your babies so far away...

    Make your boundries clear and stick to them. Take care of you first and formost...live your life and enjoy it....

    Just keep in mind that everybody has their own truth, no one sees the world the same way, even those with the same experiences do not have the same view...maybe she doesn't like the way she feels or is acting either.
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Jet, what you post though is accurate, in that your not playing devils advocate at all, but your simply outlining what should be said, though instead of words is hurtful games, which come with spite, not feelings, pain, not discussion. I am all for discussion, but not for games... and I agree with you, things have memories, and this is exactly why I never rubbed my relationship in her face, kept is hidden away for a week causing all sorts of other issues within that by itself, though did it because of her emotional vunerability. She knew about the relationship, but I certainly didn't want to rub it in her face because I knew she would be emotional over packing.

    Yes, caleb was born in that house, but that is not a reason to be nasty, spiteful and hateful. Talking is talking, yelling is yelling, and games are games. The first is the only acceptable one in my book... though that is me, and everyone is different. I am curious really what others go through, the games that get played, the things we do and have had done, a venting session I guess about the BS from relationship breakdowns if you will.

    I must agree with you though jet, very accurate your words.
     
  12. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    I wasn't going to comment on this thread because I've never been in a relationship and so I have no experience, nothing to add. However, I do understand and relate to parts of what have been said here. Maybe it's not as difficult as in a romantic relationship, but from my own experience head games and manipulation happen in platonic relationships as well, and also between family members.

    I don't like the games either... I can't imagine myself playing games like that. If I'm hurt by a situation I tend to withdraw from the person who hurt me. I definitely don't go after them and try to make their life more miserable. I prefer no contact if I can manage it. And if someone is playing games with me, even early on in the friendship, I run far far away as soon as I sense it. I can't tolerate it at all. Usually I will cut off contact completely with no explanation.

    For example, and this is a minor example but it makes the point I think... fairly recently I met this girl through my support group, and I thought we could be friends. Well we had a bit of a disagreement, nothing major, at least not from my point of view. Prior to the disagreement we had agreed to go to a movie together, a matinee because we both have problems with packed theatres. Well after the disagreement she cancelled of course, but I still went, as it was a movie I was really keen on. My aunt accompanied me. The theatre was pretty deserted.

    A couple of days later, my friend made contact with me again, she had been giving me the silent treatment (another thing I really can't stand), but she acted like everything was cool. We had a nice visit, but then about an hour into the visit the subject of the movie came up. Well it turned out she went to the movie too, the exact same matinee as me, just with a different friend! She knew I was there too, she saw me with my aunt! I didn't see her. She also said the movie sucked big time, and anyone who liked it was weird, knowing that I really liked it. She said it all in a really sweet innocent voice but it was obvious she was doing it on purpose to hurt me.

    Well, needless to say, that was the last time I saw her. I wasn't interested in being her friend after that. The argument had been so minor and her response to it was so vindictive that I just thought **** you I don't need this. The saddest part was, she obviously didn't even realize what she was doing, because she was very confused about me not wanting to see her anymore. I didn't give her an explanation, I just brushed her off everytime she rung me or tried to make contact, until she finally got the message.
     
  13. dljwhitewolf

    dljwhitewolf Active Member

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    Ok, from a female who grew up in auto shops, as one of the guys, here's my stories and take on yours anthony.
    First, my first crush started flirting with me, and being naive I never thought to ask if he had anyone else in his life. Well he did.
    So at 16, we went out, and I moved in with him, his mom, his brother and the dog blacky, that always had his mom saying," would you get out of my ass", everytime she did the dishes.
    I am injun and italian, he was injun and polish. He played with the wrong one.
    I had a instinct every morning of what he would be doing that night if it was going to be disrespectful of me.
    Well, this one particular day, he was a mechanic, so was my dad, similarity?,
    I went to the shop at closing and of course he was mia. The one good thing he did have on the injun side was hiding, he did hide well.
    Well, I hung out with a guy who had a massive crush on me, and we partied, and of course the bug up my ass, had me talking about my crush, didn't seem to disway this guy at all. Oh, well, anyway after a good three o'clock in the morning, I finally went home, he was drunk and passed out. I wasn't having it though. I just wanted honesty, so since he wouldn't wake up, I gave him hickies and sprayed him with his mom's perfume. Finally I kicked the wooden drawers under his mattress, on a constant basis, as he stirred, and finally woke up. The ball was now in my court.
    I asked him where he was, and he wanted to talk about it in the morning.
    It was morning I told him and kept kicking the wooden drawer til he finally was fully awake. We spoke very little, and then came the pow, I said you have no respect for me, you smell like a french whore and look at you, you even came home with hickies to rub it in my face, with that he ran to the bathroom mirror, and under his breath, he said, "that bitch", bingo, he told on himself.
    Well I left then, but he is the one person, til this day that I have a need to jab at here and there, and the last person I let play head games on me. His other girlfriend and I became friends, we left him, and he went and married his partner at works ugly girlfriend, to get revenge, that only served in having alot of people not like him, and depressed because he was not satisfied in the relationship at all.
    I think when you have ptsd you have to really soul search yourself and in that you face yourself head on. The average person really never has to do that at all, hence, the never do the soul searching and finding a place where they belong and as a result they may never reach the point of really ever falling in love.
    Your ex sounds like her life is a game, and while playing games, people like that can never get to the real side of life.
    Maybe, when you first went out with her, you did things for her, out of what you wanted to do, and she came to depend on that. Don't know. And maybe now that you are tired of the games, she expects you to continue playing, when you weren't playing in the first place.
    I don't play games, but when one is initated in my direction, and I feel like I want to teach a lesson, I will end the game the winner, teaching a lesson that this is not behavior the rest of the world needs to deal with. For what it's worth, the person does learn a lesson, and even thanks me. lol
    I was lucky enough to have alot of real people in my life, or more accurately, find them.
    I hope your new relationship is proving to be much different and more real then the one before it.
     
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