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Emotional Flashbacks Over Seemingly Normal Stuff...

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DogMom

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Hey community, hoping to get some thoughts from you guys today. I live with my boyfriend and a few weeks back we almost broke up over my emotional flashbacks which usually manifest themselves with rage and pushing him away. I've been on my meds for a few weeks now, and have started therapy with a trauma clinic and my partner and I decided to start having weekly discussions that center around trying to strengthen our relationship in a structured way. We typically pick an article about relationships, communication, etc..., read through it separately and then come together to discuss the article.

So last night we have our talk and something in the article talks about housework. My partner criticized something I do around the house which threw me into a complete emotional flashback. At first I really had no clue where it was coming from I just knew I was defensive, angry, shaking, started feeling hot, etc.... My partner says, where is all of this coming from? And then I realized that in my early childhood trauma, chores and cleaning were a weekly source of abusive screaming, slapping, pushing down, etc... If it wasn't done perfect, brace yourself and pray she was in a good mood. I realized this subject immediately evokes feelings of fear, shame, embarrassment.

Well I shared this with my partner and his response was "that scares me, so either I say something and it throws you into a frenzy, or I eat it."

Don't get me wrong I understand his side, I'm sure it's not fun to tell you partner it bothers you when they don't take out the bathroom trash, and they have a panic attack over it... but it's really hard to share something so vulnerable from my childhood and to feel completely misunderstood by my partner, it makes me wonder if I should share these things with him when I'm in emotional flashback reaction.

I know I need to let go of some of this and move on, in this moment I feel I can't control some of the intense emotions that come over seemingly minimal things, but I'm taking my meds seriously and going to therapy. What do you guys think? Should I continue to tell him things? Should I just realize he will never "get it." Feeling a little lost and angry, although I know this is not his fault. How do you guys handle navigating these waters with your partners?
 
You are responsible for your behavior. These are your triggers, and you need to find a way to deal with them. Couples therapy, if you're not already in therapy for you, and your issues. PTSD isn't an excuse for bad behavior. Find a way to come to some sort of compromise with your boyfriend,

I too lived in a home where I had to clean the house and was criticized from not doing it the right way. I was 10 when I had to start helping to clean it. I'm now a housekeeper!!!,
 
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You are responsible for your behavior. These are your triggers, and you need to find a way to deal with...

I definitely am in therapy and working on this stuff. He refuses to do couples therapy... I think the issue for me is when I'm open with him about the past and he says it's "scaring him"

I'm trying to be open with him and work on this stuff, explain where reactions are coming from and not put them on him, but it' feels impossible to just flip a switch. For me, even explaining my past is a huge step forward. Maybe I just can't be in a relationship right now until things are different. I just feel so discouraged.
 
@DogMom Sounds like your boyfriend isn't up on PTSD. Does he know what this disorder is, what it entails? How we act/react. What flashbacks are? Has he done any reading on it???
 
@DogMom Sounds like your boyfriend isn't up on PTSD. Does he know what this disord...
He has read one article, and seems open to learning more, but I don't want to overwhelm him. He admits all of our issues as a couple are not centered around me and my trauma. I'm thinking about bringing him to one of my therapy sessions (NOT couples therapy) so my therapist can help talk through some things.
 
Hey community, hoping to get some thoughts from you guys today. I live with my boyfriend and a few weeks...
This is not about the relationship, but about flashbacks. When I addressed my flashbacks with EMDR, I became free of them. Perhaps this would work for you, and you would no longer be a victim of the flashbacks. Your relationship would be spared of them, as well.
 
I go through this with my boyfriend.. he has depression though, so it can be a bit like a bomb site... I think we have just slowly worked our way around things by making sure we give each other space when one blows up and talking about it afterwards regarding what happened and why.

I think educating him will take time, and I think in some ways its okay that you flipping out scares him, I imagine it scares you too. He just needs to be able to know what to do when you get like that, and you can work on action plans together. Don't get me wrong, it rarely works out how you imagined it would, but at least it gives the control to both people to handle the situation, so he doesn't just feel like he doesn't have a voice.

All the best!
 
My husband has Asperger's and had a good childhood. I am not autistic and I have PTSD. We've been together on and off for 23 years. Something we have learned as we got older is that I will not always "get" him and he will not always "get" me. That doesn't mean the other person's crap is not valid. We also try to be as considerate of each other as we would be a stranger.

For example, I know that he can't actually clean the bathroom. It's an sensory thing with his autism and asking him to do is like asking me to go jog five miles. I could do it but it would be incredibly hard and unreasonable. So I do it. I ALWAYS do it. But when the bathroom is newly wiped down and freshened, he ALWAYS acts surprised and says "Oh the bathroom looks nice!" In a you-didn't-have-to-do-that tone. Although I did. SOMEONE has to do it. But his consideration in noticing and appreciating it makes me feel good. :) See? It makes me smile just thinking about it.
 
I go through this with my boyfriend.. he has depression though, so it can be a bit like a bomb site... I...
I'm glad you said it's okay that it scares him, it does freak me out too. the action plan is an awesome idea, I'm going to talk to him about that this weekend.
My husband has Asperger's and had a good childhood. I am not autistic and I have PTSD. We've been to...
Aww your note gave me the warm fuzzies. You're right, it's okay to not "get" each other all the time. I feel like we will be okay. Thank you all. <3
 
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