JEKBreatheandBelieve
MyPTSD Pro
Yesterday, my husband and I threw a great birthday party for my now 7 year old son. Seven. It doesn't seem possible that he is 7 and my younger one is now 4. I missed my younger son turning 4 this year. I was away at a treatment center. I can't forgive myself for missing the birthday even if I tell myself it was to help me be able to be more present for him in the future. I worry all the time what my children will remember of their early years with me at their mom and what's going to happen as they get older. It is what it is and I do my best or at least I tell myself that I am, but I don't always believe myself.
Back to 7. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and two of my parts are 7. Now I have a son that is 7 and I keep wanting to call him my brother's name. I keep feeling like I don't know what year it is, whose life this is. It's extremely confusing. I want to protect my sons even more knowing that my childhood was let's just go for not all great and I want more for them. But I also know I can only do so much and that scares me so much.
And then there is my job. I have only have wanted to be a teacher and just recently gave that up. I resigned from my position. I felt I had to. Now, of course, I feel that as the wrong move. But I can't undo it and I am not entirely sure I want to. I just feel I made the wrong choice. And someday I might go back to teaching. But I might not. I have other dreams, too, but too much fear to totally go after them and too much craziness inside my head to focus enough to commit to anything yet. And I am angry and sad and scared.
My world fell apart when I was in a car accident and everything that I had been running from or had been hidden from my was all laying there around me reflecting up from the shattered glass (so to speak). And I have learned a lot about myself since then. I feel like I have been slowly dying- that this life and knowledge and these emotions are killing me. Slowly taking everything away. Am I working towards rebuilding? Yes. Do I believe I can get through this? Sometimes. But one way that I need to rebuild and journey on is to get through emotions. And I can't do it. I want to scream and yell and cry and though I can cry a little, it's never enough because the hurt is so deep. The confusion is so deep. The anger, injustice, and hurt are too deep. Inside I feel those emotions but I am still running from them as fast as I can just touching on them lightly every now and then. I feel like I am going to explode from the emotions and the things going on inside and outside. I feel really alone and isolated right now. Any support or words of advice or comfort would be appreciated.
Back to 7. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and two of my parts are 7. Now I have a son that is 7 and I keep wanting to call him my brother's name. I keep feeling like I don't know what year it is, whose life this is. It's extremely confusing. I want to protect my sons even more knowing that my childhood was let's just go for not all great and I want more for them. But I also know I can only do so much and that scares me so much.
And then there is my job. I have only have wanted to be a teacher and just recently gave that up. I resigned from my position. I felt I had to. Now, of course, I feel that as the wrong move. But I can't undo it and I am not entirely sure I want to. I just feel I made the wrong choice. And someday I might go back to teaching. But I might not. I have other dreams, too, but too much fear to totally go after them and too much craziness inside my head to focus enough to commit to anything yet. And I am angry and sad and scared.
My world fell apart when I was in a car accident and everything that I had been running from or had been hidden from my was all laying there around me reflecting up from the shattered glass (so to speak). And I have learned a lot about myself since then. I feel like I have been slowly dying- that this life and knowledge and these emotions are killing me. Slowly taking everything away. Am I working towards rebuilding? Yes. Do I believe I can get through this? Sometimes. But one way that I need to rebuild and journey on is to get through emotions. And I can't do it. I want to scream and yell and cry and though I can cry a little, it's never enough because the hurt is so deep. The confusion is so deep. The anger, injustice, and hurt are too deep. Inside I feel those emotions but I am still running from them as fast as I can just touching on them lightly every now and then. I feel like I am going to explode from the emotions and the things going on inside and outside. I feel really alone and isolated right now. Any support or words of advice or comfort would be appreciated.