• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Emotions ready to explode

Status
Not open for further replies.
Yesterday, my husband and I threw a great birthday party for my now 7 year old son. Seven. It doesn't seem possible that he is 7 and my younger one is now 4. I missed my younger son turning 4 this year. I was away at a treatment center. I can't forgive myself for missing the birthday even if I tell myself it was to help me be able to be more present for him in the future. I worry all the time what my children will remember of their early years with me at their mom and what's going to happen as they get older. It is what it is and I do my best or at least I tell myself that I am, but I don't always believe myself.

Back to 7. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and two of my parts are 7. Now I have a son that is 7 and I keep wanting to call him my brother's name. I keep feeling like I don't know what year it is, whose life this is. It's extremely confusing. I want to protect my sons even more knowing that my childhood was let's just go for not all great and I want more for them. But I also know I can only do so much and that scares me so much.

And then there is my job. I have only have wanted to be a teacher and just recently gave that up. I resigned from my position. I felt I had to. Now, of course, I feel that as the wrong move. But I can't undo it and I am not entirely sure I want to. I just feel I made the wrong choice. And someday I might go back to teaching. But I might not. I have other dreams, too, but too much fear to totally go after them and too much craziness inside my head to focus enough to commit to anything yet. And I am angry and sad and scared.

My world fell apart when I was in a car accident and everything that I had been running from or had been hidden from my was all laying there around me reflecting up from the shattered glass (so to speak). And I have learned a lot about myself since then. I feel like I have been slowly dying- that this life and knowledge and these emotions are killing me. Slowly taking everything away. Am I working towards rebuilding? Yes. Do I believe I can get through this? Sometimes. But one way that I need to rebuild and journey on is to get through emotions. And I can't do it. I want to scream and yell and cry and though I can cry a little, it's never enough because the hurt is so deep. The confusion is so deep. The anger, injustice, and hurt are too deep. Inside I feel those emotions but I am still running from them as fast as I can just touching on them lightly every now and then. I feel like I am going to explode from the emotions and the things going on inside and outside. I feel really alone and isolated right now. Any support or words of advice or comfort would be appreciated.
 
Sounds like you are really hurting and going through a lot right now. I'm so sorry you're going through that. All I can suggest isus to take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Do what can for yourself and your family in the present and leave the future to work itself out for the time being. You're there for your kids right now and that's really what matters.

Hang in there. You're not alone.
 
I wish I could express myself in a way that would provide you comfort. I can tell you that I understand a little. I have gone through the experience of having kids be the same age as my parts. It was particularly difficult when they were teenagers. When it was younger parts I think my kids actually enjoyed part of it. I would easily abandon household duties or responsibilities to play games with them or jump in puddles in the rain. I threw great birthday parties because I got so excited and often they were what I would have wanted.

On the flip side I was raised by a mother with bipolar and dissociative disorder and a narcissistic father. I will tell you that 90% of my time is talking more about my father than my mom. I really wish she would have taken care of herself. It put so much pressure on me to take care of her because my father didn't see it and she wouldn't do it. She left often and each time I was hoping that she got help but she often left to get space and get some relief from being so overwhelmed...help just wasn't that available back then and everyone just thought she was an addict....it took a while before she was diagnosed properly....but that left me to take care of my little brothers.

As an adult she really fell apart and I asked her to please go and take care of herself. I flew her across the country to where I live and took her to a hospital. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. She stayed even though she didn't want to. I couldn't have made it her so I was grateful.

That was such a healing time in our relationship ...me seeing her take time for herself in a responsible productive way. It also has allowed me to take care of myself now without feeling as much guilt as I think I would. It would be a lie if I said I didn't feel guilty at all.

Back to my children. I threw them all amazing birthday parties when they were little. I was really dialed in during that time. In response to your post...I asked all three of them this morning if they remembered what I did for them on their 4th birthday.....not a single one could tell me but they know they are loved and supported.

As they grow into teenagers it will be much harder but I have found that if I take the time to talk with them (during the times when I am healthiest and happiest) they feel ok because they understand. I don't talk to them about my problems because I don't want to weigh them down or cause them extra anxiety during very fluid situations.

My youngest is a very big supporter of my littles. He was having a particularly bad day at school sometime during his sophomore year of high school and was telling me that he was having cruel thoughts about himself in his head. I explained to him internal family systems and after that he just seemed to get it and get me.

He's a senior now in high school but taking English at the local college as part of a dual enrollment program. His final exam paper was on internal family Systems. Last year he decided he wanted to help people with any kind of diagnosis and so he now spends 2 hours a day working with autistic high schoolers.

But even in himself he recognizes times that he needed to be comforted. He slept with a stuffed animal during a difficult time last year. He knew that is was safe to do that in our house because I sleep with a teddy bear.

Guess what??? I taught him that. Here I thought I was screwing everything up and yet I wasn't. He is going to be an amazing father.

Many of us here are testimonies that kids are extremely resilient. I have a feeling that as you take care of your seven year old child and if you take care of your seven year old self at the same time....this year will be a great opportunity of healing for you. Follow your children...do for them and then turn around and include that 7 year old part. What a gift you will be to each other....which I believe is the true purpose of families. I am correcting that in my own family since the family of my littles wasn't able to do that for me.

Sorry for the rambling. Hope that makes sense
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top