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Empathy

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Meadowsweet

MyPTSD Pro
I seem to experience three reactions to empathy.

Sometimes, I am touched and full of empathy and the need to say something useful, to feel or take away the persons pain. (A positive response?)

Sometimes, I read something that is almost too close to what I feel (or perhaps too much for me to empathise with) and I skip to something else and move on quickly like it doesn't matter. But it does matter, it's just that I can't handle it. (A neutral response?)

Sometimes, I feel no empathy at all, and perplexed that people with so little to complain about complain the loudest and have sympathisers flock around them like they're the most hard done by people in the world. I feel hurt and feel all the more that people don't really care about others, and that they just react to whoever shouts the loudest. (A negative response?)

I just wondered how others react to feeling empathy, and how others have handled it? What's right and wrong about how we feel about other people's emotional experiences?
 
I think it is normal, but not necessarily right, to try to rate what one would consider "having little to complain about". Perhaps one might be feeling compassion fatigue if their reaction is to judge or question rather than empathize or sympathize. Just some thoughts.
 
Compassion fatigue sounds nice, but I would still have enough energy to feel compassion for life changing events.

It is a negative response that I have to people who complain loudly about everything. But i think it's more than what a persons problem is. If someone had little to stress about, but was alone - or if someone had little to stress about, but was looking to change their situation, then I feel compassion. I think it's when people tell of their problems as being somebody elses responsibility, and people flock round them to offer words of condolence for their hardship, without ever offering ways to improve the situation. It just seems like an excuse to get attention.

But my negative feelings are about me, they are my negative reaction. I want so much to be able to say to someone, I'm struggling with this, and for them to respond with understanding and hugs. But I struggle with either the tiny things (like phoning up to pay a bill, or book my car in for a service) or things (like abuses) that are too big to talk about to anyone who isn't trained to deal with it. I've never been taught how to ask, receive or respond to offers of help. So when people are very good at attracting sympathy, it accentuates my lack, my hurt and I'm envious.

So that one is a definite negative reaction. But what is a positive reaction?
 
I can empathize with the people working on their own healing and recovery journey. I often relate and share a similar experience and what helped me that worked.

Just my opinion.
 
My therapists thinks I have a strong sense of empathy. I think I struggle with how to express it a lot of the time.

I can relate to the feeling of wondering what on earth some people are on about sometimes.

Maybe it's because my life has never really been functional enough to get to the point where I could get past just surviving...so I can't relate to some 'normal people' problems as I have no experience with them.

Your empathy sounds healthy to me.
 
That's unfortunate you have that experience on this site. Perhaps because I am new, I haven't yet weeded out those who are just seeking sympathy and making excuses and those seeking support, community and acceptance.

Are you looking for a positive reaction to your negative feelings? Sometimes the old "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all " is the best way to go.
 
This kinda came up in therapy yesterday. My T said that the problem wasn't my ability to feel empathy but was cause I fear how other people will respond due to inconsistent or unhealthy responses in my past.

I thought that was an interesting idea. I also struggle with asking for help. Phone calls are a major, major stress that I avoid at all costs.
 
Sorry. You can't spell assume without, well... you know. lol.

I wasn't sure what your question meant "what is a positive reaction". I think it's quite normal how you feel though. When I get feelings like you've described, I try to remember that you never really know what someone feels/thinks/experiences. I spent a lot of time envying my 'normal' friends and thought their problems were so much easier than mine, but that's not fair to them, or to myself. We all have strengths and weaknesses. I'm sure people that know you could find envious things about you too.
 
I haven't yet weeded out those who are just seeking sympathy and making excuses and those seeking support, community and acceptance.

Hmmm...In my years of being here I have met very few who are 'making excuses'. Actually I don't understand why 'sympathy' and 'excuses' is in the same context. Do you think that those who want sympathy are weak somehow?
 
broken brain said: ↑ I haven't yet weeded out those who are just seeking sympathy and making excuses and those seeking support, community and acceptance.

I don't understand why 'sympathy' and 'excuses' is in the same context. Do you think that those who want sympathy are weak somehow?

I think that sympathy is difficult to understand for those that have suffered emotional abuse, at least it's that way for me, I have negative connotations with the word 'sympathy' because has been used against me in the past. People have used their apparent need for sympathy to manipulate me.

I guess I feel like sympathy is something that should be given freely, but when someone is trying too hard to elicit sympathy from me then it sets off warning bells in my head, and I fear that I am at risk of being manipulative. For some reason, I don't have that fear so much with empathy. I might think about that more.

Edit: I have found that this website is mostly full of very genuine people so it's not been a worry here.
 
Perhaps the difference in definition is important to understanding how we feel about others emotional situations.

Sympathy is to feel pity and sorrow for another. Whereas empathy is to feel what they must be feeling.

I might feel pity or sorrow for somebody's loss, if a loved one has died. But I would feel empathy for somebody trying to get through life's problems.

On the other hand, perhaps those who shout the loudest and seem to have little to complain about, or those who aren't trying to get through a problem at all, are perhaps showing self-pity or an expectation of pity. That situation is nothing to do with empathy at all.

I've also seen tears switched on like a tap, in order to manipulate others. Or bitching groups created through mutual self pity (especially when it comes to people bitching about their relationships).

But on the other hand, I don't get why the small stresses just need a hug to get over, like when someone is having a bad day at work. But I think that's normal and not self-pitying, it's just a way that normal people interact.
 
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