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Evie's Mental Imagery

Discussion in 'General' started by batgirl, Jun 7, 2007.

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  1. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Just wanted to say first off, I'm posting two mental imageries I've done previously, the first one was from January 2007, and the second from March 2007 I believe, so they're both old. I haven't gotten responses to either yet as I was told I wasn't ready. Anthony I still don't expect you to respond if you don't think I'm ready so please don't think that, no pressure. I just felt like sharing them publicly...
     
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  3. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    January 2007 Part 1

    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What colour is the road?

    Grey with red cracks. The sky overhead is red with black clouds, and it's very cold.

    Q2. What texture is the road?


    Rough and uneven. It's made out of shattered gravestones, held together by mortar that's made of crushed up pieces of bone and ashes mixed with blood. I can smell the blood. Parts of the road are steaming in the cold air because the blood is still fresh.

    Q3. How solid is the road?


    Very unstable. Dangerous to walk on. There are huge gaps to avoid, and some of the stones are booby traps that give way to bottomless pits or spikes if you step on them. There are two stop signs, a sign saying "Dead End", and a hand written sign that says "Turn Back". There are huge stone formations on either side of the road, as high as mountains. They have angry faces in them with glowing eyes... lightning bolts shoot out of the eyes, trying to hit me. The stone formations are slowly closing in on each other. I'm going to get crushed if I don't keep moving.

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river?

    I turn into a demon with bat wings and I fly over it.

    Q5. What does the water look like?

    Black, brackish.

    Q6. How fast is the water current?

    Still, like a marsh, but beneath the surface are ghosts / spirits who want to pull me under and drown me.

    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?

    Dead bodies in various states of decay. Some are really dead but others are like the undead. They stare at me from underneath the water.

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house?


    Grey, with red blood spatter.

    Q9. What condition is the house in?

    Delapitated and boarded up. One broken window with blood on the edge of it. Yellow police tape. Peeling paint. Fresh graves have been dug in the yard next to it.

    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?

    No, but someone's watching. I'm afraid.

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup?

    Blood red.

    Q12. What condition is the cup in?

    Cracked. It's made of clay, and when I pick it up I grasp it too hard and it crushes, slicing my hand open. I wipe my hand on my shirt but it just keeps dripping blood, until it's all over my midsection. Then I realize part of the cup cut my stomach wide open, and my intestines are spilling out onto the ground, but I don't feel any pain. I hold onto to my stomach then, so more of my intestines don't fall out.

    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?

    Dust, a spider web, dead insects, my blood after I crush it.

    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?

    My father with a gunshot wound in his head, and blood dripping down his face. My little brother is clinging to him, also with a gunshot wound in his head. Half my brother's face is gone and his brains are spilling onto his shirt. My father is pointing a rifle at me and saying "I told you I was going to make you dead". He is standing at the edge of a huge steep precipice that cuts into the road. It's like the end of the earth, like the earth got sliced off at that point. Suddenly part of the road I was walking on falls away behind me, forming an island of rock that I am trapped on with my father and brother. I can't turn back.

    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?


    Far below and in the distance, a desert with dark brown sand, more rock formations like the ones by the road, more of the same road, and masses of graves and headstones. More red sky and black clouds.
     
  4. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    January 2007 Part 2

    Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

    This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.

    The Road: This is where I'm going, and it's paved with death. My family is dead, and I am doomed to remember their bloody deaths over and over again. The road is unsteady because I don't know where I'm going, I'm sick in the head and my body is sick too. I expect to die young through illness, an accident, or kill myself in a moment of despair.

    The River: It's more like a marsh, and it scares me. I've been scared of marshes since very young. I imagine getting sucked into them like quicksand. Dead, dangerous and ugly things live there. I fly high over the river because I'm so frightened of it... the further away from it I can get the better. I'm a demon because I am inherently a very bad person. Everyone thinks I'm sweet but I'm only pretending. Inside I'm actually very evil.

    The House: The house is THE house I suppose, after the shooting. I can't imagine anyone living there, it's haunted. It's grey because that's the only colour other than red that I see anymore. I am being watched by people in my past... people who blame me for what happened, and who think I'm going to go crazy like my father. My family also watches, they are ghosts.

    The Cup: The cup is dangerous, it's sharp. I shouldn't have picked it up. It only makes things worse. I shouldn't have been in an open field anyhow... an open field offers no shelter; you can get attacked from all different sides and there's nowhere to hide.

    The Obstacle: The obstacle is my father. He's still trying to kill me. He won't rest until I'm dead. My brother is there to remind me that I should be dead instead of him. All I can see beyond is death and more death. I'm trapped.
     
  5. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    March 2007 Part 1

    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What colour is the road?

    Black asphalt, with dark red blood streaming across it in torrents, sort of similar to when a road is flooded from a massive amount of rain. The blood is fresh and steaming as It's very cold outside. The sky is very dark black with fast moving grey clouds, like a huge storm is coming.

    Q2. What texture is the road?


    The asphalt is cracked and crumbling, but is barely visible with all the blood rushing over it.

    Q3. How solid is the road?

    Not very... there are gaps and large chunks of loose asphalt to be avoided. The blood makes it slippery and treacherous. I slip and fall a couple of times and get blood all over myself. My boots are soaked in blood and feel freezing cold.

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river?

    I decide to walk over some of the dead bodies in the water. I lose my footing in some places, sinking like there's quicksand. I can feel unfriendly eyes on me from all around. I regain my footing, only to have my leg slip into rotting flesh... right through the chest of one of the bodies. I fall and the body I stepped through is alive, and it grabs at me, and I only barely make it across without being pulled under. I'm now covered in blood and rotting flesh.

    Q5. What does the water look like?

    Black, murky, stagnant water.

    Q6. How fast is the water current?

    It's a marsh rather than a river, and the water is still.

    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?

    Many decaying dead bodies. The bodies are "alive" however, like zombies, and are trying to grab at me.

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house?


    Dirty grey colour with peeling paint.

    Q9. What condition is the house in?

    The house has been hit with a wrecking ball or a bulldozer. It's totally destroyed. It's just a pile of broken wood, bricks and metal, with blood and police tape in the wreckage, and very dirty half-smashed toilet. There are graves around the ruins, although some seem to have been robbed or disturbed. A rotting casket is open and appears empty. A greyish hand is sticking up out of one of the unmarked graves. It's very muddy and I continue moving as i feel myself sinking in the mud.

    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?

    No, but it's a dangerous place so I don't stay long.

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup?

    Dirty grey colour similar to the house.

    Q12. What condition is the cup in?

    The field has been burned, like a farmer burns his fields in between seasons. All the vegetation is dead and burnt. There is still smoke rising from the burnt earth and I have trouble breathing. The cup is half buried in the earth and I have to dig it out. When I pick it up, I realize it's only half of a broken greyish clay cup, old, dirty and badly cracked.

    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?

    Where the half cup was lying in the earth, worms and bugs scurry away.

    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?

    The bodies of my family... Dad, Cheryl, Owen. They aren't alive, they're all dead, lying in the positions they were in when they were shot, with blood and brains and entrails. Bullet casings litter the ground. Like a crime scene. I look down at myself and I can see inside my stomach. I can see a bullet lodged inside me. I try to pull it out but the pain is severe and the blood starts gushing out of me faster. I have a feeling that i'm going to die if I try to pull it out.

    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?


    Massive cliffs and the sea. The earth falls away behind me and I'm trapped on the rock with the bodies. The sea is very dark and black, and extremely turbulant. There is a huge gale and fog rolling into shore. I sense there are dangerous things in the fog. There is a lighthouse in the distance at the far end of the rock, but someone has forgotten to light it, so it's pitch black. I have three ideas/choices...

    1. If only I could get to the lighthouse and light it, but I'd have to go past the bodies, and maybe they'd wake up and grab me, like the bodies in the marsh.

    2. I could jump off the cliff, but then I'd die on the rocks below.

    3. Or I could wait there, and whatever's in the fog would get me.

    In every case I'm screwed.
     
  6. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    March 2007 Part 2

    Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

    This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.


    The Road: Every time I close my eyes I see blood, so I think that's where the blood is coming from. I keep falling on the road because I keep ****ing up in real life. I think I'm trying too hard to get through it.

    The River: I'm scared of the marsh, but I cross it this time because I just don't care anymore. I'm already all bloody from the road. And if I'm going to die anyways I might as well not try to avoid it. I'm too tired to make any effort.

    The House:
    The house is destroyed because it should be. I hate it. No one should live there anymore. It's dangerous. Someone has desecrated the graves. The paint peeling freaks me out. Like really frightens me. The toilet is because I am throwing up so much.

    The Cup: The cup is really old. Destroyed. The field feels a little better having been burnt. Like it's been cleansed. No one can hide behind a bush or a tree and jump out and surprise me.

    The Obstacle: I think my family is really dead but I'm not positive. They might come back to life again and grab me. I don't trust them. I really want to get to the lighthouse. I'd like to hide in it before the storm gets here. But I don't really see it as a possibility. It's pretty hopeless.
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Evie, if you like, post one now that is current for you, and I will show you the difference in change between then and now for you. Time for you to see the truth I guess....
     
  8. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Oh okay thanks Anthony. I was going to wait a few days, I thought that would make the imagery a little more accurate, but then when I went to bed last night images just started popping into my head, and they didn't seem forced or fake at all. So I got out of bed again quickly and wrote them all down. Then I did the second part this morning, so here it all is.
     
  9. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    June 2007 Part 1

    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What colour is the road?

    Green and brown (grass and dirt).

    Q2. What texture is the road?


    There isn't really a road per se. There's just a huge open field with tall green grass, and a makeshift path has been formed from someone previously walking or trampling on the grass. The path is winding and quite narrow. It's impossible to walk without my legs touching the grass, and I'm wearing shorts, so my legs are bare. There are some thistles mixed in with the grass, so I have to be careful to avoid them or I will get a bad scratch.

    Q3. How solid is the road?

    Sort of uneven and unpredictable. It's dry in places, slippery and mucky in others. There are some roots and stones that I have to be careful I don't trip over, and the occasional mucky puddle. It's fairly easy to walk on but I do need to be careful and keep looking at the ground.

    There are gravestones close to the path, on either side, tall upright ones, almost like I'm walking through a cemetery. I can't see the inscriptions on the stones because of the tall grass. I'm nervous but I do walk past them despite my nervousness. Other than that the road is clear, it's a big open field, very vast, and it makes me nervous because there is no cover or shelter, nowhere to hide. The sky feels huge, it dominates the scene, very big and cloudy grey-white.

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river?

    I walk through it but it's kind of too deep for me, my head almost goes under water, and bottom is all mucky and I almost get stuck. My head goes under briefly and I choke on a bit of the water, it tastes bad. I have a feeling it's poison so I spit it out really quick. I make it across okay except there is some slime and algae on me.

    Q5. What does the water look like?


    Partially muddy, partially clear, sort of greenish. It's obviously a marsh rather than a river, although it appears that there has been heavy rainfall, so some fresh water has mixed with the marsh water and made it less smelly and stagnant.

    Q6. How fast is the water current?

    Still, like a pond, but the wind is causing small ripples on the surface of the water.

    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?

    Algae, reeds, and cattails. A few bright yellow flowers on lilypads. A red-winged blackbird is perched on one of the reeds and singing.

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house?

    Q9. What condition is the house in?

    There is no house, only a barren construction site. There's a big pit and various construction machines, a crane, a forklift, a bulldozer, etc, plus pipes for the sewer, and various supplies. The house looks like it's going to be built of a combination of wood and bricks because both of those are in piles on the site. It's enclosed in a chainlink fence with a big orange sign saying "no trespassing". There's lots of orange tags on everything too. There's obviously the foundation of a house started, but it's still only dirt, the frames and cement haven't been added yet. I'm a bit creeped out thinking about how deep the hole for the foundation is, it makes me think there could be coffins or skeletons, or that I could fall in. So I keep going.

    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?

    Not yet.

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup?

    Orange.

    Q12. What condition is the cup in?

    The cup is vintage 1970s orange plastic (melamine I think it's called), part of an old picnic set, and cracked and dirty. There's dirt ground into it and inside it like it's been laying on the ground for a long time. I make a point to not touch it. I don't feel it's safe to do so.

    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?

    Just some dirt from being on the ground. It's a bit stained too on the inside, I think from coffee, because it's a brown stain.

    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?

    Lots of jagged rocks littered along the path, although they aren't really obstacles because I can walk around them. They are inscribed with people's names, so I have a feeling they are grave markers or maybe memorials. I kind of avoid looking at the names, but I have a feeling they are family members of mine. I think one says "Brian" on it but I look away again really quick because I'm afraid.

    I guess the actual obstacle is the end of the path. The path ends at a precipice, there is a very steep rocky cliff, with more rocks and the ocean far below.

    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?

    Past the cliff I am standing on is another cliff far in the distance, with a lighthouse perched on it. I want to get to the lighthouse, because it seems safe and I am worried about a storm coming. But I'm not sure how to do so. I have an idea in my mind that I could repel down the cliff, walk carefully across the rocky beach, and then climb back up the second cliff to the lighthouse. However, I will need some climbing gear, and don't have any with me. Also I am alone, there is no one around to belay me, so it would be a very trecherous and dangerous undertaking even if I did have gear. Plus I wonder to myself if I'm strong enough to make the climb. I feel kind of frustrated.
     
  10. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    June 2007 Part 2

    Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

    This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.


    The Road: My first thought is that there used to be a road there a long time ago, but it's deteriorated and overgrown, and needs to be rebuilt. The gravestones are a really common image which I have in my mind a lot, I assume because of all the death in my family. The wide open space and huge sky is because I feel really insecure right now. The grey-white sky I think is simply because I am living in Newfoundland now, and we have a lot of clouds and rain here. It's quite dreary.

    The River: The river is actually a marsh/pond, but it's a somewhat fresh marsh. I think that's just because it's been raining a lot here and we have fresh water on our land right now. I'm surprised I walked through the marsh, as in real life I'd be way too scared to do so... you never know what is in a marsh. All kinds of creatures and other gross things could be lurking. I think almost getting my head under water is based on an old fear I have of drowning in a marsh. The poison water is because marsh water is brackish and will make you sick if you drink it. The red-winged blackbird was my favourite bird as a kid. I was always super excited whenever I saw one. I also really liked cattails and lilypads. I always wanted to pick the yellow flowers off the lilypads, although I was scared to go into the water.

    The House: I don't really know about this, it just "feels right" to me that there is a new house being built but that it's not ready yet. It's still dangerous to get too close, but it feels "cleaner" somehow. All the tools and pieces are there just waiting to be utilized. Orange used to be my favourite colour, but it's also a construction site colour so I'm not sure what all the orange represents. The coffins and skeletons, I don't actually see any, I think I'm just worried I might see them because of everything that's happened to me in the past.

    The Cup: Not sure this makes any sense, but my first thought about the cup is that it's from around the same time I was born, maybe just slightly older than me, but it has seen close to the same number of years as I have. Maybe it belonged to my parents. Not sure why I'm afraid to touch it, I think I'm just worried about getting cut, especially since it's so dirty. I could get an infection. Orange used to be my favourite colour, before the shooting.

    The Obstacle: I think the memorial rocks are there again because there's been a lot of death in my family, although it's interesting to point out that I don't *completely* sense they are actual graves, like no strong feeling of dead bodies underneath them, but rather just memorials to people. They do still bother me, I think because I don't feel ready to deal with all the death just yet.

    I've always liked lighthouses, I love exploring inside them, and they are a common theme in my dreams. I also draw them a fair bit. In real life, if I saw a lighthouse in the distance somewhere I would be very keen to get to it and explore it. I would be quite frustrated and disappointed if I couldn't for some reason.

    The cliff is very steep and trecherous because I feel I have a long way to go still and that it's going to be very difficult. It's going to take a lot of strength and courage on my part. It doesn't seem impossible though, just very hard and dangerous. I need to be careful but I also need to work really hard. No one is around to belay me because I have to do it myself.
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Ok Evie, I have broken this down into sections so you can see briefly how your life has progressed, though will mention some aspects for you to help give your sub-conscious a little triggering. I have numbered them according to the order of your doing them. I am not going to be overtly specific, though enough for you to see your progression from then to now.

    How You Perceive Life in General

    #1. Confused, highly emotional and sadness overhead. Life is that challenging you constantly think death is an easier solution than life.
    #2. Sadness predominates, highly emotional and confused from the death you believe surrounds you.
    #3. Healthy and vigorous though still feeling life depreciates you at times. Progressing well though aware of the pain surrounding you. Death no longer surrounds you, but is more in your vision, though now scares you.

    How You Look at Sexual Intimacy

    #1. Severly distrusting, absolute sadness with stagnant intimacy. Aware of problems and would rather be dead than intimate.
    #2. Distrusting, absolute sadness with stagnant intimacy. Aware of problems and would rather be dead than intimate.
    #3. Trusting though feeling deceived, likely due to wanting intimacy but not sure whether someone wants you, or possibly feeling like you have been ripped off with intimacy because of trauma. Stagnant though aware of the problems.

    Your Support Systems

    #1. Highly confused from death surrounding your support systems, aware of these issues, likely feel abandoned emotionally which directly contributes to your poor self esteem.
    #2. Highly confused from death surrounding your support systems, aware of these issues, likely feel abandoned emotionally which directly contributes to your poor self esteem.
    #3. Feeling unknown, possibly still a little confused, likely believing the rug of support could be pulled from you at any moment, optimistic about having support within your life once again, like its being rebuilt, though still have a poor self esteem.

    Commitment Towards Others

    #1. Highly emotional, feeling off victimization from commitment predominates from a family member.
    #2. Confused, feel victimized from commitment, deceived even.
    #3. Desire to return to an earlier time, moderately value commitment, still feeling depreciated from commitment, though are committed to someone or something less than totally honest.

    Largest Issues and Feelings

    #1. Coming to terms with your fathers and brothers death, your fathers actions. You see death a more viable option of a future.
    #2. Coming to terms and dealing with your families deaths, your fathers actions. You feel a huge climb in order to see a future.
    #3. Dealing with the deaths of your family, understanding the pain associated surrounding their deaths. You still feel a long climb in order to see your future, though you hold optimism.
     
  12. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Evie, the above are short, sharp and too the point only, they do not highlight all aspects, only some points for you too see your progress since completing your first imagery, compared to your third. You have mentally progressed to a far superior place within yourself. More in some areas than others, though you definately haven't gone backwards.
     
  13. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Wow thanks Anthony, that's a lot for me to absorb. Although I do have to say after reading, that none of it is a surprise to me really. I was expecting some huge revelation, but all of it is stuff I knew more or less already. I guess I know myself better than I thought. I do have a couple of comments and questions though.

    This is so true, I've felt this way for years until quite recently. It's been very difficult for me even to make platonic friends here on the forum. In fact for example, when you initially started talking about visiting my family in Canada, my first thought was to kill myself before you could come see us! That's how bad it was, nevermind sexual intimacy with anyone. But I don't feel that way anymore thankfully.

    I do feel like no one wants me, why would they considering how damaged I am? I feel like I would be a burden on anyone I was with. But what do you mean by feeling like you have been ripped off with intimacy because of trauma? Can you explain that to me please?

    Yes this is so true as well, I am happy for the support I have, but still have the lingering feeling that it could all end at any moment. Often times it's like I'm preparing myself for losses that haven't even occurred yet.

    Could you please explain this also? What do you mean by someone or something less than totally honest? I'm being dishonest or someone else is being dishonest with me? I don't really understand the statement.

    Anyways I guess that's all the comments I had. Thanks so much for doing this for me, I appreciate it. I actually do feel quite optimistic having read it. I really have made a lot of progress mentally, it's quite amazing to me. Thanks again.
     
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