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Supporter Ex-girlfriend And Dear Friend Dealing With Ptsd

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Jonathan K

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Hey, I'm Jonathan.

About 5 months ago, my relationship with my girlfriend of 7 months ended mutually. I had just joined the Army and distance was becoming an issue.

She was sexually abused as a child. She seemed to deal with it well while we were dating. She even joked about it once or twice, although they were always more dark than they were funny.

We haven't spoken since we broke up. We didn't even talk to catch up and figure out what went wrong in our relationship. I moved away for college, and she stayed in our hometown.

A week ago, I went home. She's the sister of one of my closer friends, and our circles of friends intersect quite a bit, so naturally, we saw each other once or twice. While I was there, I found out that she was going to move to my current city for college.

Knowing that, I contacted her and asked if we could talk.

She replied saying that we would when she moved. She told me that things were hard because she'd developed PTSD, and that I was a trigger.

It breaks my heart that I'm a trigger for PTSD for someone I used to be so close with.

It makes sense; I was her first boyfriend. The only people she'd had any sort of physical relationship with are myself, and her attacker. And I'll say now, that we rarely did anything that someone wouldn't be comfortable doing in public. Clothes never came off. Knowing her past, I restrained myself from doing anything that might push too far.

But even so, just knowing I'm in the same city can cause her to panic.

More than anything, I want the chance to be her friend when she moves. I want to help her. I want to be a part of her life again, for the better. But that all seems impossible if I trigger flashbacks of a traumatic event.

I'm willing to accept if there's nothing I can do now. And from what I hear, she's seeking help and she has the greatest community I've ever been a part of to support her.

I just want to know if there's anything I can do to support her. Or, if anyone can relate, advice on how to deal with this helpless, guilty feeling I can't seem to shake.

And, I don't know a whole lot about PTSD. Despite being in the Army, I haven't been in long enough to really see it or deal with it.

Sorry for the novella, and thank you
 
My heart aches for both of you. We can't help who & what triggers us, & you will have to accept doing nothing for now if that's what she wants.

But if you sincerely care, & will show this by letting HER tell YOU what she needs, & respecting that, even if it seems to make no sense &/or feels like rejection, that will help her more than you can know.

In the longer term, & especially if she gets help, you may be able to do more. That, too, may be challenging for you both. It might involve hearing that even during your relationship, when you thought you were being sensitive, there were feelings of ambivalence, hesitancy or violation your friend felt unable to express.

If so, they might relate to flashbacks, or fear or sadness, or wanting to please you, & not feeling able to please herself. After boundary violations like child sexual assault, it's not easy to tell even your chosen lover what you are & are not comfortable doing.

The best thing you could do for now is signal a willingness to accept whatever it is she needs, even if that is to have nothing to do with you for a while. If you're serious about the future, say that if she finds she does want to meet or talk later, you'll be available - & no subject will be off limits, & she will be in charge of what gets talked about.

Only say this if you feel you can follow through. It might not happen for a long time, if ever. Clarity & authenticity matter a great deal to those of us in this state, & life is so unpredictable, so only offer what you can commit to.

I feel for you both, & hope you can work out a way to keep some useful connection going. But whatever will be will be. This is her trauma, & she has to be in charge of how she manages it.
 
Welcome to the forum. :)

Start in the supporters sections, there are lots of understanding people there and some good threads.

Take good care of yourself too.
 
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