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General Exercising Patience And Encouragement, Advice

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Bukowski25

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My partner was starting to fall into that "bad" space when he could not find his medication last week. We were running late for something and he was frustrated for a number of reasons: he felt foolish that he had forgotten where he put it, felt pressured by time, and was visually stressed by the messy state of the apartment. I understand that these things can quickly set off frustrations and trigger anger for him. Sometimes he calmly deals with things, when he is stressed they can escalate into an angry episode.

He shut down, he was being extremely negative (not actively looking but relating worst case scenario things that were overly dramatic in relation to the issue--ie. This I can't go to work tomorrow and I can't get a therapy appointment for another work, and we can't afford more since it's too early for insurance, and I am totally f*cked...instead of calmly looking) and I jumped in to find his medication so we could walk out the door. I told him that I was disappointed that he didn't try his breathing exercise (a technique he developed in therapy) and his response was "Why are you upset, I am handling this better than usual. I'm not screaming and ripping off the f**ing doors like I used to". This is true, though of course that statement is edged with hostility, as were his previous actions.

I guess my question is...how can I hold him accountable while also supporting him? He is right, he wasn't have a full on rage explosion, but he was still being hostile and being clipped and rude to me. If anyone deals with similar things, how do you handle it?
 
Anger is a protection factor for fear based thinking. Although I rarely lose my temper. I usually leave and do some other dumb thing. Sometimes I'll slam the door. My most favorite thing. Recently, I have been given a new drug to try to calm down fear. It seemed to work until a few days ago. What I wished for the most when I would get to that point was to have someone literally look me in my eyes and say, " your having fear and I love you" let me hold you" that simple direct way to approach is just enough to make someone aware. Don't try to talk to him in a long discussion because he won't be rational until he feels safe. Just remember it's nothing personal, it's a safety trigger. People like us go to extremes to protect themselves, and it isn't rational. I've done things to protect myself to people who I thought were hurting me that I regret. But it wasn't something I knew I was doing until recently. So for instance, I would feel like feelings had shifted in them and they were going to leave me, I would get triggered about abandonment issues, and react in a dramatic way. Scaring them. They didn't understand I wasn't going to hurt them. It was just because everyone in my life has abandoned me, and I picked people who would. The good ones, well I didn't feel like I was good enough for them. So I turn my reactions have shoved them all out. Do not shut him out, be there for him, he does need you in his life.
 
The short answer is, yes but.
Certainly not in the moment.
Certainly not with the objective to shame.
Maybe something along the lines of 'I think you did much better dealing with your anger the other day but I wish you had not become so angry that you cursed and became hostile. It would have been better for you if you had remembered the breathing exercise.'

I agree with @whserenitynluv statement about fear. I am not sure I would respond well to someone pointing out my fear in those moments. I would either dissolve into a puddle of tears or lashed out more or both. But that's me.

Either way, I think it would be appropriate to hold up the achievement (not slamming things and screaming) and point towards the goal(Remembering to remain calm and breathe through things that are stressing him).

BTW, good on you for trying to support him. I would have become very triggered at the angry cursing.
 
I guess my question is...how can I hold him accountable while also supporting him?

That's the million dollar question there. Even though these behaviors are coping mechanisms, it is frustrating for supporters to fix the practical problems that are causing the stress, while at the same time, dealing with belligerence and/or a melt down. If you try and push them to do something they are not capable of dealing with, even if it is something that is necessary for their own good, they are not going to react well.

With my sufferer, I've had to learn to just "let it go." A big thing for us was cancelling appointments. At times he would get too stressed out to go to scheduled medical appointments, therapy, various "administrative" things (like appointments at the dealership for vehicle maintenance), or even social engagements. Then he would completely stress about rescheduling or upsetting people. This would end up making him sick. In my thinking, it would have been easier in the long run to suck it up and just go to the regular appointment than to no-show and throw even more stress on the situation. It took me awhile to "get" that it wasn't about him being flakey or a choice that he was making, it was that he just could not face going. I just had to learn to let it go, and get really good at redoing the schedule when he was having a bad day.

The sniping and snarking when stressed is another thing all together. I know my vet is a very nice man as a rule. He is not a name caller, but when he is stressed he can be an absolute tool. I will usually let some minor snarkiness go, because I realize he is freaking out and doesn't mean it. If he gets nasty though, I'm done with any help I may be giving him. I'm not going to help him find something if he is insulting me... I'm going to tell him to call me when he settles down and can talk to me without hurting my feelings, then I'm going to leave and go unwind by myself somewhere. It's better than staying and being a target, or staying long enough for things to escalate to a point where people say things they can't take back. Because I am consistent with this, he knows it is my boundary, and that I am not walking out on him to be mean. I just refuse to tolerate the crap treatment. I think he has grown to appreciate it over time. We have less incidents now, and when we have them, they do not turn into such big deals.
 
I guess my question is...how can I hold him accountable while also supporting him?
Exactly what do you want to hold him accountable FOR? Which part of his behavior? All of it? I get that you don't like the way that went (and he probably doesn't either). What do you see as the way that situation "should" have been handled?
 
Thank you so much for the feedback everyone, I truly appreciate it.

@whserenitynluv Thank you so much for your response. Your words really resonated with me. During a late night chat he shared that a hug would be very soothing for him when he gets very worked up, but also expressed that it is very hard for him to ask for it in the moment. We are trying hard to take breaks as well as hug when things escalate. It can be hard when we are both hurt or heated.

@My intentions are never to shame him, so thank you for offering that outlook. I realize I need to be very careful how I word things, it's the struggle of responding appropriately in the moment. (One I realize we are both having, him on an entirely different level of course). Speaking to him later on would be the best approach as you stated.

@sweetpea Thank you for your words, I so appreciate you sharing your own experience. I am slowly trying to learn what I need to "accept" and what I should push on. You sound like you have come so far in learning to let things go--that's truly something to be lauded. I need to get better about doing that, I think it goes hand in hand with the walking away you described in your final paragraph. It will be easier for me to let go if I walk away as soon as things reach that point. If I don't resentment builds and I know I am not doing either of us any good. I am going to try to build the same consistency that you describe, right now he knows my boundaries but there are still times I snap and fall into arguments. I am going to work harder to detach myself and find my own space when situations like those arise.

@scout86 I know my question is a bit of a ramble. I am trying to find the point between positive reinforcement and accountability.
 
@Bukowski25 I wish I had a supporter like you. (I wish I had a supporter but I am glad I am not making someone miserable while I try to fight my way through all of this)

I think it's pretty cool that he asked for the hug and I totally get not being able to ask for it in the heat of the moment. Being overwhelmed all you can feel is the anxiety- not what might make it feel better. Personally, I can't stand to be touched but have often WISHED someone would hold me in moments like that. Bizarre, right?!

You talked about taking time outs... That reminded me of that sitcom: How I Met Your Mother. Lilly and Marshall would get into "fights" and when it got too intense, one of them would call PAUSE! I LOVE the idea of a pause button. Think that could work with something that you both do to really stop the escalation? It could maybe be a good grounding thing? I dunno... drink a glass of chocolate milk? (I'm trying to think simple and easily accessible and evokes good feelings) and get a hug?

So you would see him get spiraled up and instead of responding or getting yourself upset, you yell, PAUSE! run over give him a hug, grab a glass of chocolate milk and say "ok... now, lets find your medicine together."

It sounds good in theory....

I don't have anyone to fight with anymore so maybe that's not even a possibility in real life but it's an interesting thought if he'd be willing to give it a shot.
 
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