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General Expectations In A Relationship With A Ptsd Sufferer

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Proudwife: Thank you so much for the insight! I agree with everything that you said. I can completely understand why my mom does not accept C, and why she does not approve of our relationship. But that won't change the way I feel about him and hopefully it won't change my relationship with my mom. Do you think that your relationship with your husband put extra tension on your relationship with your mom? Did it change your relationship with your mom? That is one of my biggest worries. My mom is one of my very best friends, and this has been quite an adjustment for us. She has never not approved of a decision I have made. And I have never had to censor my life quite so much when talking to her. I just don't want her to unfairly judge C any more than she already does.

Sisu: It was really hard for me to realize that others are not going to be as open minded and non judgmental as I am... I think that was a reality check for me, when I decided that there are quite a few things about my relationship with C that I just need to keep to myself. I try my best to let my family only see the very best of our relationship, and I always always keep the "lows" to myself. It's hard... sometimes I wish there was someone close to me who could be completely impartial that I could talk to about all of this. But I guess it comes with the territory.
 
If you have a good relationship with your mum have you tried the "we need to talk about this" and explained that if the relationship fails then she will have been right, you both will have learned some valuable lessons and she will be there to support and love you.

Or it works out and you are right, then ditto.

And, as everyone here is a grown up, you all can manage to put the past asside asside and have a civil relationship?

If you can both acknowledge and accept each others feelings, face to face?

Sometimes we have to parent the parent.
 
. Do you think that your relationship with your husband put extra tension on your relationship with your mom? Did it change your relationship with your mom?.

Yes and yes, but I had to learn how normal that truly was. My mom has been my best friend and the main person I have depended on my entire life. When I chose to get married, I chose "cleave" to my husband. Regardless of whether you see it from a spiritual place or not (which I do) a marriage is more than just "we love each other" You're a team, you make decisions together, and your spouse is your priority. I can imagine how difficult that change can be for a parent.

My mother and I are still best friends, but my husband is my partner. Respecting him is my priority and if I feel she is being disrespectful towards him I must put my foot down. He has to trust me, especially with this PTSD. If he thought that every time I left when we were fighting I was being fed negative thoughts about him, it would only hurt him more.

Did it put tension on my mother and me? Absolutely, but we grew used to it. We had to evolve and shift our relationship to make room for my marriage. It was necessary. Is our relationship different? Absolutely, but I would say it is even better. She loves me as her child, but respects me and my decisions as an adult.

Mothers are designed to protect. I do not hold that against her. I just set boundaries for her as I do for my husband. Boundaries are healthy in every relationship, even with your best friends.
 
This thread has been so helpful... thank you to everyone who has offered advice and experience. The stress this has placed on my relationship with my mom has been a major burden on me, and it has helped to hear how others have been dealing with it.

Pale Warrior: Yes, I have tried having an open and honest conversation with my mom about this relationship. That was a few months ago, when things with her were at their worst. I thought that she got the message... I was open with her. I told her how I felt about C, that I recognized my relationship with him might be a big mistake, but that I was willing to take that chance. It seemed like she accepted what I had to say, and things were better for a while. Then things started to get worse again, and it almost seems like we're right back where we started. It's almost like a constant cycle with her... I have an honest conversation and try to set boundaries with her, she tries to be more open-minded and accepting, things are good for a while... then for some reason she goes right back to her old attitude toward our relationship. I think that your thoughts are spot on, and that's exactly how I would like to handle this whole situation. I just hope that my mom can learn to want the same thing.

Proudwife: I have very similar views of marriage and commitment as you do, so it helps to hear your opinions on this matter. C and I are not engaged, but we are in a serious relationship... and I don't take that lightly. I feel that right now I am choosing to be loyal to him. I can recognize how difficult that must be for my mom, because like you, I have been "hers" for my entire life... and suddenly I'm not "hers" anymore. I think she would have trouble with that transition no matter who I chose to be with... I guess that being with C just makes it that much more difficult. I am very nervous when I think about any sort of future with C, because I am not sure how my mom will react. Ultimately, I recognize that it is my choice, and if she loves me then she will have to accept and live with the decisions I make in my life. I think this is difficult because I have sought her approval for my entire life... and suddenly she doesn't approve of something that I know in my heart is right for me at this time. It's quite an adjustment. I'm glad to hear that you and your mom are still close, as this gives me hope that we can maintain our relationship despite the challenges this presents. I realize that things between us will have to change... and in certain aspects I know that has already happened. My mom is not used to me putting my foot down about anything, and so I know this is a big adjustment for her. But it is also a big adjustment for me, as I have never really had to "fight" for anything like this before when it came to my parents.

Again, thank you all for your input and comments. It is so incredibly helpful to know that I'm not alone in any of this. For right now it seems like I need to just keep being strong about setting boundaries and asking for respect from my mom. Hopefully she will eventually get the message and come to at least accept C in my life right now.
 
You are absolutely correct. I was in the same boat, as my Mom's approval had been paramount for me when making decisions. I had to learn to let go, just as she did.

Like all things, it is a process. Think of it this way, though. Regardless, there comes a point in our lives where we must see ourselves as adults capable of making adult decisions before we can reflect those characteristics to our families. Regardless of relationships or whatever, there came a time where my parents had to respect me as an adult, even though I was still their child.

PTSD can make everything more complicated, but it does not have to define anything. In fact, do not let it define your relationship. It is an ASPECT between you and C and whoever else you choose to involve, but your relationship is much more than that.
 
Hi everyone I'm new to this Forum and I am so happy to be able to read all of these stories, I feel connected and finally able to talk to people that understand what I am going through.

I met my "friend" about three months ago and we have been talking ever since. He told me from the beginning that he was diagnosed with combat PTSD. In the beginning I wasnt well informed what PTSD consisted of and felt sort of "unwanted" in our relationship. Once I read more in depth I was definitely more understanding with everything.

We have been talking for a little while now and wanted to know if we were going to eventually take our relationship to the next level. But he said he can't commit and the main reason is his PTSD. I dont know if I can stay in a relationship without officially committing.

I have recently tried to put a stop to it but I have not been able to. I keep going back to him and spending time with him more and more. I recently discovered that I will never be his priority, he would rather spend more time with his friends, or put his friends first than me.

Like JKR he makes promises but never goes through with them, he chooses other plans. But whenever he wants me to go somewhere with him ,Im the first one there. It kills me sometimes and I try my best to ignore it and its even harder that I cant talk to anyone about it because they dont understand.

I recently asked him what he wanted out of this and he said he wants us to be friends, but his definition of "friends" is just like if we were going out. And everytime I tell him that I can't do that , he blames his PTSD and makes it seem that he doesnt want me to leave him .... so I dont.

Recently I asked him about therapy, and he has not gone in a while. So I suggested maybe he should go and he said yes and asked me if I can go with him. I'm suppose to go with him next week, I just hope he follows through.

I'm just confused. I dont know if I should stay or go, or if he wants me to really stay or go. I just want whats best for us both. I care about him sooo much that it is really hard to just let go.
 
Calmandunderstanding, it sounds like you're pretty stuck on this guy but you're not getting much back from him. Go read the thread about husbands vs. boyfriends. So far, he's not committed to you. By all means give it a little more time, see if he follows through on going to therapy with you. If he flakes, you really, really should let him go and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
 
CalmandUnderstanding, don't pour into someone who hasn't come to the plate. People with PTSD can commit, but like any other man (or woman), they have to want to. He can meet you half way. You may do well to set some boundaries with him (regarding your time, expectations, etc) and then he can do the same. If he consistently breaks those boundaries, then you will know that you have to do.

Good luck. And I think there are posts on here about boundaries and stuff. You may want to read up on that so you have some info on how others handled their situations.
 
Thanks LizardViolet, He made an appt with the VA recently and we were suppose to go together but yesterday we basically finished what we had because I wasn't getting the respect I deserve. I just hope he still goes to his appt. But I can't be in limbo anymore. Thanks for the advice again, much needed.
 
CalmandUnderstanding, don't pour into someone who hasn't come to the plate. People with PTSD can commit, but like any other man (or woman), they have to want to. He can meet you half way. You may do well to set some boundaries with him (regarding your time, expectations, etc) and then he can do the same. If he consistently breaks those boundaries, then you will know that you have to do.

Thanks HelloMo80 for the advice and after the conversation I had yesterday with him, I knew exactly what I had to do, I guess I just didn't want to realize it. I didnt necessarily need a commitment but certain expectation are definitely need to be met and unfortunately he was not able to give that to me. I deserve better than that. Thanks again for the advice!
 
No worries. I'm sorry you didn't get the outcome you wanted but know there is someone out there who will be more than happy to not only meet but exceed your expectations. :)
 
I am so grateful that I found this forum and this particular post. I've recently started dating a man who suffers from PTSD and it's been an absolute roller coaster of emotions.

Last night when I was leaving his house, I made a flippant (and absolutely stupid) remark about "leaving him"- meaning I was going home. He responded by saying he wouldn't care if I actually left our relationship... and after having fallen in love with this man, I was not only in shock to hear him say that, but outrageously hurt. I put on my brave face but burst into tears the moment I was out of his line of sight.

I understand that part of PTSD is an emotional severance towards loved ones, but I'm having a really difficult time adapting to it. A 'touchy-feely' and outwardly emotional relationship is imperative for me... and I get that with my man 40% of the time anymore when it used to be all the time. I'm sad. I'm scared. I feel like at any moment the bottom could drop out and it's a very lonely feeling.

So thank you ladies for making me realize that despite how alone I might feel, there are so many women out there who are feeling the same emotions as I do. Thank god for all of you and this forum.
 
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