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General Expectations In A Relationship With A Ptsd Sufferer

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Wow! Interesting thread. Love this thread too.

I have CPTSD from childhood abuse and trauma. I used to be poly-fragmented DID and integrated in 2005-6. Much of my CPTSD comes from seeing many children die horrible deaths. My husband has ADHD and a history of childhood abandonment and neglect. He survived a nasty divorce which blindsided him. In spite of all of our histories, we have managed to stay married.

At one particular down point in the beginning of my discovery of my repressed abuse, my husband threatened to leave numerous times. We had only been married for four years. My therapist and his therapist had a joint session with us. They told my husband that if he wanted a marriage I had to be in therapy and go through whatever I was going through or there wouldn't be a marriage. They told my husband that his threats didn't help me because they created an unsafe place in our marriage. They essentially told him, either shit or get off the pot. In the end, my husband chose the shit end of the stick because he loved me. It was a rocky marriage for the next five years yet we both persevered.

We've had our ups and downs throughout our marriage. One time I left for 9 months one time because I needed to do some soul searching without anyone around. Another time I left for 3 weeks. Yet we managed to come back together stronger than before.

This year we celebrate our 32nd anniversary.
 
Hello group! I am in a really big bind and would like some guidance.
I am in a relationship with trent for a few months. Him and I have a very harmonious healthy loving relationship with great chemistry no fighting and we take care of each other and mutually love each other.
I believe trent is my soul mate.
Trent has not spoken to his mother in 21 years. His mother severely abused him and his brother until he wAs 6 when his grandma rescued and raised them.
A couple weeks ago his mother separately contacted both of them via Facebook. They both freaked out. They told her to
Never contact them again.
Trent continued to be intimate with me holding touching and sex and kissing and waS initiating most physical contact. and I was very supportive but not pushy about if he wanted to talk about what had been bothering him. I didn't find out until a week later that she had contacted him.
His mom showed up at his work completely unexpected. He told her to
Leave immediately and probably some other words.
He told me about all of this and that her name is my name...
Natalie.
He told he he was having trouble disassociating my name with her. He said it was very hard to think of somebody he cared so much about the same time thinking about someone he hates so much. He Shared all this with me. He said he hadn't even shared it with his brother and grandma and that I was the only person that knew all that she came into his work.
We a had a deep supportive convo and the next day he tells me he doesn't think he can have a relationship with me. I told him with so much drama that's going on that we should wait to figure out our relationship and where we stand until he sorts emotions out. I told him I love him and I would never hurt him and it is capable to love and be loved by another natalie.
I told him I respected the fact that he wanted space. So I have given him space texting him once a day to tell him I'm thinking about him and if he needs anything please reach out to me. I haven't gotten any responses. I think he is trying to sort out his emotions.
What should I do? We really love each other and this was a good nurturing relationship for both of us.
 
In all honesty texting him once a day isn't giving him too much space. That's contacting him a lot. I'd take his non-response as a cue that he he doesn't want to talk right now.

If I were you I'd send him one more message and say that you're going to cool it with the texts and really give him the space he needs, and that when he is ready to talk you're there
for him.

Then stop texting him until he replies.
 
I found this thread while searching for info about dating PTSD because that's essentially what it feels like. Anyway, I'm grateful I found it. I'm somewhat new to this. I say somewhat because I've known my guy for about 20 years and have dated him off and on about 5 different times over the past 13 years. I now know that it's the PTSD that has interrupted us every time. Everything on this thread is familiar and hits hm. I haven't seen much anger yet because we don't live together and he's always been stationed someplace that I don't live. He's had 2 deployments to Iraq, 2 to Afghanistan and he's currently deployed to Korea. I notice a detachment right before or shortly after a deployment. I've only recently started reading up on PTSD to get a better understanding and oh boy this is a lot! After all we've been through we keep being brought back together. I always thought that I'd never been in love before but then he walked back into my life and I realize that's not true. I'm totally in love with him and I know he loves me too. I met him at a time when he was the best version of himself and let me tell you that version was amazing! Big heart, thoughtful, smart, kind, caring, giving, communicative, just an over all sweetheart. The now him is stoic, sometimey, inconsistent, often withdrawn, and forgetful (to name a few). He can remember a specific outfit I wore years ago or certain meaningful moments we shared but can't remember something from a conversation days ago. Wth? It's super frustrating. How does one tell if this is something they can endure? I want to be supportive but I don't want to become codependent. I love him with all my heart and I want him in my life always but after reading up on what life with him could be like I don't know if I want to choose that. At the same time I don't see myself with anyone else. I'm so confused.

Wow! Interesting thread. Love this thread too.

I have CPTSD from childhood abuse and trauma. I used...
This was awesome to read because I'm now trying to understand PTSD effects relationships and trying to decide if I should continue the relationship I'm in. All that I've read has me afraid and at times hopeful. This post has me hopeful. Thank you.
 
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I believe my expectations are extremely high! I've read so many threads and so many articles and I've agreed with most of them because I actually went through a lot of what's being discussed. The sufferer I was involved with seems to still be attached somewhat after he initiated our break-up. He's trying to take care of my needs and he wants to make sure I'm alright, so I allow it because I'm still very much attached to him. He says he loves me and I feel as if he does, and I love him as well, but he also says that we have other things to be concerned with in our personal lives and that's what we should focus our concentration on. I've told him that I may be planning to relocate to be closer to my family because too much has gone on with me personally, so I need to be near family. He absolutely doesn't want to hear that; he feels as if I should stick it out where we live. He was the reason I stayed this long, because I was planning to leave sometime last year, but once we started to date, I decided I would stay and work on what we had.
I guess I was expecting for my love and support to give him the inspiration needed to open his eyes and see just who is standing in front of him and who has his best interest at heart. I've been there for him since the beginning and I've only wanted the best for him; I never thought once about cheating or flirting with anyone else and I made sure he felt the love I have for him. I've now learned (through reading) that ptsd has different affects on different people and not everyone can come back the way they were before. It's very heart-breaking for me to see him change into someone so completely different then the person I met just seven months ago. The mixed messages of although I'm not interested in maintaining a relationship with you, I definitely do love you and I need you in my life ( very confusing for me). I understand that the illogical way of thinking is part of the illness sometimes and I'm now aware of how to receive it. I told him that we can move at his pace for repair and we can take the time he wants; he agreed with that and reminded me that he never wanted to rush anyway. So, although we didn't come back fully, at least he sounds like he's willing to try with a new start.
I would like for someone to enlighten me on what I should be aware of, or how I should handle this particular situation. I'm probably the most lost supporter on this forum and I would like to gain a little more knowledge based on not only other supporters, but also sufferers; having the two perspectives really would give me more to learn from. I forgot to mention, there's a considerable age difference of sixteen years between us (not that it should matter) but I think it allows everyone to gain a more clear understanding of what I'm dealing with as well. I'm 52 and he's 36 which means I'm also dealing with someone who may not be emotionally and mentally prepared for a long term relationship. I hope to speak with someone soon.
 
I have been with my Navy Vet for 4 1/2 years and the PTSD issue is a really tough one. He recently moved out, with just one bag, to live at his work for a few weeks. He gave me a sapphire necklace for my birthday before he left but said he wanted to be selfish as long as he could with clarity from him that there was no one else but that I should move on because he was bringing me down and he could not remotely meet my expectations.

Unfortunately, drawing a line in the sand about things is more difficult when housing and finances are a serious issue. I am in recovery myself from Domestic Abuse and my ability to function is hampered as well. I lean on him for support and he has been so valiant in taking care of me in a lot of ways. We have gotten into a loop of triggering each other and we definitely need help. His job has no cell phone service at all so I have been just giving him his space and working to find my own.

I am working through feeling rejected and exploring what I actually want/need from a man, what is reality and what society puts on me as far as pressure about what a successful relationship looks like. I really do love him and he has exceeded my expectations of what a good man is in a lot of ways. I don't really know where his head is at this point and will not until I hear from him again. We will see if he is willing to really invest and get help with me or if he just wants us to move on... it is sad and scary. I am avoiding it...
 
Hi All

I need your help from another prospective of most of your posts.
I was stalked by an employee of my work for over five years, then my boss bullied me when I took out work cover insurance so I could get help through the police, courts and doctors as I recognised I become very sick and frightened. I couldn’t leave the house, I was having nightmares, over vigilance wherever I was, constantly fearful, vomiting and feeling sick all the time, crushing headaches, sweats where ever I went from fear, couldn’t handle crowds because of extreme fear and feeling out of control. Couldn’t hold conversations because I couldn’t remember words or facts. Heart racing constantly, especially if out.
Eventually I won the case against the stalker and my employer in court but now I’ve been diagnosed from two psychiatrists and a psychologist that I have severe PTSD with hyper vigilance and am stuck in fight and flight mode.

The help I need from you guys is, my husband doesn’t understand my condition and won’t even try to educate himself on it by googling some facts. I have been very open to him about my condition and doing my best to explain but he’s so used to me being the strength of the family as I’ve basically bought up our grownup three kids myself and managed to build a big business into a successful one.

I am now very sick, so sick I think about ending it everyday but won’t because of the hurt I would leave behind. But now I have noticed my husband is bullying me with his impatience and it instantly puts me back into the fight and flight mode where the only way to get out of it is going into a quiet bedroom for an hour or so, or go to sleep.

I suppose I’m adding another prospective on your posts but this is a desperate cry for help to some people living with someone like me atm.

Warmest regards

Michelle
 
[Self Edit- this post turned out way longer than I had intended. It is also just in my own experienc...
Spot on to my life except I am to blame fully. So is everyone else. We are all triggering him, it is our fault and the monster is released at full force. I'm exhausted. I am a highly functioning autistic. Today I triggered him cause i started my sentence with " I just ". I am doing my friggin best to not use those words. I hate it's drives him suicidal and mean as hell and then he's embarrassed because I went outside where the neighborhood could see me even tho he told me to leave or he would do something very traumatic.i know not to go to others crying so as to not embarrass both of us, yet I can hear him screaming from down the street while he is in our home.
 
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I went outside where the neighborhood could see me even tho he told me to leave or he would do something very traumatic.

Not only is his reaction not your fault, it was smart and wise of you to get out of there and be in public. It is really alarming he was threatening to “do something very traumatic.”

Safety is essential.

.i know not to go to others crying so as to not embarrass both of us, yet I can hear him screaming from down the street while he is in our home.
Crying is healthy. Reaching out for help is healthy. Nothing to be embarrassed about there. At all. Neighbors are probably quite worried already.

Having a meltdown and threatening to commit traumatic acts? He should feel bad about that.
 
I’m fairly new to the site, but my husband of 25 years and I both suffer from cptsd our whole lives. Word of advice: a mom can make or break your relationship- if you let her. Compassion for your mom’s love for you has its place, and I agree with your “devil’s advocate” above, you better get some thick skin and sticking power if you want this relationship to make it, but you also better draw a deep line in the sand where your mom is concerned. If you want this relationship, she needs to be supportive or you need to keep her out of it. You won’t be able to manage it with a little voice in your head (your mom’s) pointing out his every mistake and flaw and coercing other family members to do the same. Also, could you really blame him for finding showing up around your family too stressful, if he picks up on their negativity toward him? Could it be that he foresees this making him very angry, considering he got this way risking his life to keep his fellow citizens safe, and doesn’t want to risk hurting you by blowing up at your family? I learned years ago, the hard way, not to say or let on to or agree with anything negative toward my husband come out my mom or family’s mouth. Otherwise, this was always just a foot in the door for them to start trying to put a wedge between us. And it is obvious that she is not going to be able to be supportive. She might be able to feign it for a little while, but first time you vent about something he’s done or didn’t do she will try to undermine your relationship again, you can bet on it, because she will think: “Finally! Now she knows I was right all along. He’s terrible!” Love her. Visit with her. Tell her about the good, happy things. Be glad when he CAN be there for you. This will help both him and her to feel more peace about it. This will take the “monster-in-law” stress off of his shoulders. He doesn’t need it. This will take the “worried mom” stress off of her. She doesn’t need that either, and she doesn’t belong in another grown woman’s relationship, even if it is her daughter. This will mean you cannot go to her and vent when you’re mad at or frustrated with him either. You would only be stirring the pot, and if you really love this man you will wind up back together, but with that added stress. Don’t do this. Find someone else to vent to, like here or a girlfriend that doesn’t even know your mother! I just happen to have been traveling down this particular road for many, many years.
 
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