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Expressing Real Love, I Only Know One Way

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Kintsugi

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I love so many people.

I have such trouble telling people that I love them.

I am only comfortable with one form of sharing love, which is to physically express love through lustful, sensuous, romantic, or otherwise intimate interactions.

I have no idea how to stop myself.

It wouldn't be such a stark issue were I not in a monogamous relationship. Maybe this is a huge part of why I love to be single, even though being single seems to get me in lots of trouble (I'm sure in no small part due to this phenomenon).

I do this all the time.

How am I supposed to get past this?

Give the people what they want... that's a sort of love, isn't it? It's the only one I seem to be familiar with.
 
I can absolutely relate to what you're going through..sometimes I believe being in a monogamous relationship is the only thing that saved me from myself in that regard. And I will tell you from experience, giving somebody what they want isn't love. I wish it was, but it just isn't. All it does is steal a piece of your soul and leave you feeling empty and alone. I have found over the years that often times sexual intimacy is used as a subconscious way to feel love, not necessarily express it. The sex is filling a void. You just need to take some time to figure out what it is that's missing. Take a sexual sebaticle if necessary and focus on your wants, needs, fears, and expectations. Everything else, over time, will fall into place. :)
 
LOL...One of the reasons I loved being married is that it put a full-stop on how much physical affection I gave others. Clear lines. Flying hugs? Absolutely. Snogging? Absolutely not. Goodbye kiss? Absolutely. Farewell BJ? Absolutely not. ((TMI? Possibly.)) Because every single ounce of loyalty? Shazaam. Over there. Semper Fidelis. Even when they're an asshole. The moment my divorce papers were signed? (A whole year after separating, lol, and my ex had already remarried. Cough. Bit illegal, but whatever. I certainly wasn't going to protest!). Anyhow, ink on page and my libido went all silly. f*ck. Dammit. Damn damn dammit.

Probably my biggest problem to date since getting divorced is making friends. Gah. Before I was married, I typically made friends by sleeping with them, first. Cut through a whole lot of bullshit.

I have been told this is not how one makes friends. Well. It's how *I've* always made friends. Hmph. What the frak is up with all this tension, and not knowing if someone is being charming because that's who they are or if they have an endgame? Screw it! Too damn complicated.

It's really driving me completely insane.

Isolation mode, activated. :p

It's not that I'm super attractive. Or ever have been. Mmm. Correction. Once upon a time I had a super banging body, but whatever. Pretty much any weight & condition I've ever been someone finds you delicious. All the rest who don't? No worries. I've never been into conquests. And it's not that I can't make friends with married people (very easily, because they're not mine, not even for 5 minutes, not even for 2 minutes... And I don't want them, because betrayal is disgusting. Vows are vows, and I mind other people's only slightly less than my own), so that clear line in my head is there.

But the line keeps ringing in my head: "If you wanted to be friends, you shouldn't have slept with him." WTF??? That's how I make friends. :banghead: And enter tail chasing repeat. Because it just doesn't make sense to me.

Sigh. Until it does, celibacy mode is also activated. I can't stand things I don't understand.

One of these days either my libido is going to get the best of me, or I'm going to grok this whole "friends" thing. I think I greatly prefer being either locked in vows or an unrepentant slut. This middle ground thing is a bear. Restraint? f*cking restraint.
 
I am headed down a dark and dangerous road, friends.

I really have to figure out how to control this need within me to give people I love physical satisfaction.

By the way, @FridayJones, I am staunchly of the opinion TMI doesn't exist on this forum.

Here's some "TMI" for you... I'm the kind of partner who would much prefer my bedmate orgasm than receiving any kind of pleasure myself. Sorry if that is TMI for some, but I think it just says a lot about my mentality.

It's my thread, I can give TMI if I waaaant to... :singing:
 
@Simon... Lol. It's great fun to occasionally make my partner come waaaay before they want to :D <chuckling> Recovery time, dahlin. Just means more later ;) So much more to sex than orgasm anyway.

For true, though... If you're in a committed / closed relationship and having boundary issues with friends? Potential to be heartbreaking on all sides :( Not trying to make light, there.

How does your partner feel / what's their position, here?
 
I am fairly certain B would completely go off the deep end if he knew how itchy I've been getting these past couple of years.

I haven't violated any rules physically.

But I should really probably stop heading down this path.

I've completely f*cked over my head, honestly.

But the bigger issue is that this has been a persistent problem whether I'm committed to someone or not. Really, it is literally 1000X worse when I am single. No leash. No boundaries.
 
I have a certain amount of trouble even USING the "L word". But, there are LOTS of ways to love someone, right? You might love a child or a dog, but not show it by having sex with them? You might love people of either gender....ok, that might get complicated. But, maybe this is some version of the "black or white" issue? Maybe it would help to spend some time thinking of all the various ways love can be felt and expressed. It might even be possible that not everyone who likes you, or claims to, is looking for sex.
 
Here's some "TMI" for you... I'm the kind of partner who would much prefer my bedmate orgasm than receiving any kind of pleasure myself. Sorry if that is TMI for some, but I think it just says a lot about my mentality.

How is this TMI?

I think you're the dream girl for most guys out there! Most of the ones I've met don't give a flying fark about the pleasure of their partner. And they wonder why they're single. Stupid guys.....
 
I read through this thread last night, and it has really got me thinking in terms of dissociative parts (rather than the small body parts that are not noted for their deep thinking, foresight or for having much of a consceince).

I get sexual ideas all of the time (not sure if that is anything unusual), and part of me wants to ask you ladies for your phone numbers... but in practice I'm really shy about starting something, and I usually doubt any hints that are being given to me that an approach would be welcome. I'm all over the place on this.

Damn, it took me long enough to get used to the idea that a hug can be non sexual (I never got hugs until I got bonking, or at least snogging friends).

That's before we get to the whole adult question of whether a shag is worth loosing your long term relationship (the kids, if you have them), half of your mutual friends, the house and half of your worldly goods for.
 
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