Hey everyone,
I haven't been on here in ages due to final year of Uni getting in the way. I have decided to make more of an effort to post here again. I thought a good place to start again would be something that has been making me feel quite uncomfortable, lately in particular.
Often, when I am out and about I have situations where I feel like people are laughing at me and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. The thing is though, I am finding it increasingly hard to distinguish between what is inside my own head and what is real.
I remember a little while back I was on a placement at a place where my mum used to work and I remember talking to the boss about something and was smiling and talking with her. Suddenly when I turned my head I saw this girl looking straight at me laughing at me.
The thing that drives me crazy is that I know she was making fun of me even when my mum said "oh no she isn't like that". She wasn't just staring blankly laughing and no one was nearby. There was nothing else around to make her laugh. Her eyes were burning into me and she was doing this really over exaggerated "hahahaha" type laugh at me. It was like that typical sardonic playground bully laugh, really making a point of letting me know about it.
I lowered my gaze and my smile faded; I felt so self conscious. It later turns out that my mum didn't know this girl as well as she thought she did and now admits that she is horrible and is bullying a quiet, deaf girl within the team.
On another occasion a group of guys were laughing at me when I was at the beach so I tried to swim away from them and they made a point of saying "don't swim away from us". Another event close to this one, I was at an arcade and I could feel someone staring at me and a group of three people were staring at me laughing and one of them said "I can't believe he didn't notice us staring at him". So it is in my mind that I have been targeted in the past.
I feel like I am accurately able to define ill intention towards me but maybe I am looking too hard for it now. My brothers used to push me around a lot when I was younger on top of the bullying I received. One brother in particular would always make a point of pointing at me laughing even though I know he was just trying to annoy me above all else. Maybe this has stuck in my mind that I am a joke to people?
What doesn't help how I feel now, is that my younger brother recently made a point of humiliating me in a best mans speech in front of over 100 people and it wasn't even my wedding! I just feel like people's go to material when they want a laugh :(
The thing is a few outspoken people will put me on the spot about my appearance and say that I look like a deer in headlights all the time or that I look panic stricken and that I need to calm down? I don't know how to respond when they say this as it has literally become my baseline look now, it feels like. Could my fear be attracting laughter?
I know most of this is probably in my head....but if that is the case then the demons inside my head are beginning to taunt me from outside my head. It is a horrible feeling that I can't describe.
I feel so alone :(
Sorry for the long post guys.
I haven't been on here in ages due to final year of Uni getting in the way. I have decided to make more of an effort to post here again. I thought a good place to start again would be something that has been making me feel quite uncomfortable, lately in particular.
Often, when I am out and about I have situations where I feel like people are laughing at me and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. The thing is though, I am finding it increasingly hard to distinguish between what is inside my own head and what is real.
I remember a little while back I was on a placement at a place where my mum used to work and I remember talking to the boss about something and was smiling and talking with her. Suddenly when I turned my head I saw this girl looking straight at me laughing at me.
The thing that drives me crazy is that I know she was making fun of me even when my mum said "oh no she isn't like that". She wasn't just staring blankly laughing and no one was nearby. There was nothing else around to make her laugh. Her eyes were burning into me and she was doing this really over exaggerated "hahahaha" type laugh at me. It was like that typical sardonic playground bully laugh, really making a point of letting me know about it.
I lowered my gaze and my smile faded; I felt so self conscious. It later turns out that my mum didn't know this girl as well as she thought she did and now admits that she is horrible and is bullying a quiet, deaf girl within the team.
On another occasion a group of guys were laughing at me when I was at the beach so I tried to swim away from them and they made a point of saying "don't swim away from us". Another event close to this one, I was at an arcade and I could feel someone staring at me and a group of three people were staring at me laughing and one of them said "I can't believe he didn't notice us staring at him". So it is in my mind that I have been targeted in the past.
I feel like I am accurately able to define ill intention towards me but maybe I am looking too hard for it now. My brothers used to push me around a lot when I was younger on top of the bullying I received. One brother in particular would always make a point of pointing at me laughing even though I know he was just trying to annoy me above all else. Maybe this has stuck in my mind that I am a joke to people?
What doesn't help how I feel now, is that my younger brother recently made a point of humiliating me in a best mans speech in front of over 100 people and it wasn't even my wedding! I just feel like people's go to material when they want a laugh :(
The thing is a few outspoken people will put me on the spot about my appearance and say that I look like a deer in headlights all the time or that I look panic stricken and that I need to calm down? I don't know how to respond when they say this as it has literally become my baseline look now, it feels like. Could my fear be attracting laughter?
I know most of this is probably in my head....but if that is the case then the demons inside my head are beginning to taunt me from outside my head. It is a horrible feeling that I can't describe.
I feel so alone :(
Sorry for the long post guys.