AzorAhai77
New Here
Hi, I'm new here and have been lurking these forums for valuable information since my girlfriend told me she suffered from PTSD. I've gone from curiosity to a desperate need for information in only a couple months.
I met my girlfriend in February of 2015 on a whim as me and my brother were living in a house together. My brother's friend also lived with us until he got back on his feet. This friend is the foster brother of my girlfriend, whom he let come stay with us for a few days as she was recovering from an abusive relationship and needed to be around supporters. To make a long story short, I became great friends with her and she ended up staying with us for 2 months. Over that course, I grew to lover her for her smarts, personality and beauty. We had many talks over the course of those two months where she revealed a past of abandonment and neglect from her parents. Her mother was an alcoholic most of her life and couldn't take care of her so she and her brother were put in foster homes until she was 17. Her father died when she was very young so she wasn't fortunate to have any consistent love from anyone growing up. In 2010, she got into an argument with her brother, who ended up assaulting her while her mother just watched and let him. She's had plenty of other traumatic experiences such as molestation, falling out of a tree, falling on her head as a cheerleader and constant neglect from her biological mother.
In addition to all of that, she has epilepsy and insomnia and is on all sorts of medications for pain and sleep. In April, as close friends, we decided to get a place together and moved into a house together. She has told me before living with her that she doesn't think I listen to what she says or pay enough attention to her and this has always been the problem for us. She says for the first time she has found a nice and good guy, but she cannot overlook that she feels ignored by me. Since, I have gone through great lengths to improve my communication and attentiveness when it comes to her, but she is so demanding that I feel sometimes I don't have what it takes to give her what she needs. Most of our issues revolve around common mistakes I make which leads her to feel ignored. One of many examples is when she tells me to do something she wants done a specific way. I simply cannot fail unless her PTSD triggers because she feels like I didn't listen to her. This can be applied to everything I do, even things I've never done before. She's a person that tends to ask A LOT of favors, but her PTSD triggers if it isn't done right because she feels ignored.
She has warned me that when she feels like I ignore her, her PTSD triggers and I've been telling her that I'm committed to improving my communication skills with her and made her aware when she talks, she isn't loud enough and if I don't hear her talking, I can't inquire about what she said because I didn't hear her. If I ever do hear her talking low I always ask her to speak more loudly. The problem is she sees no progress as her PTSD gets worse and I continue to put great effort in improving. It has gotten to the point where I'm walking on eggshells now and she says I don't listen to her at all. Now she's getting suicidal and blaming me for everything despite me attempting to understand her and wanting to be there for her. All I ever try to do is be there for her and now that I know she has PTSD, I want to continue to be there for her, but I'm getting all the blame for my mistakes and she continues to get worse and is convinced everything is my fault.
Another thing she said to me is when someone says sorry, she believes it to mean "I will never ever do it again". I told her when I say I'm sorry, I mean "I'm saddened by the pain I've caused you. I did not mean to do such a thing. If I could take it back, I would. Please forgive me." She takes this as "I can mess up as much as I like as long as I say sorry". So me apologizing to her has taken it's toll. It means nothing to her. I don't know what else I can do other than stay committed to improving my communication skills with her so I don't trigger her PTSD, but her triggers are getting ever more chaotic, violent and destructive.
There are times when I feel like I'm not good enough for her. No one has ever told me I'm a terrible listener and communicator. I value her opinion and the notion she saw a flaw in me that no one else did and I'm dedicated to fixing it. The problem is change doesn't come that easy and she is extremely impatient at 29 years old due to her life not panning out the way she desired it to. My girlfriend graduated from Michigan State tops of her class in Molecular Biology. She had two great jobs coming out of school, but she wasn't happy at her last one and quit due to the request of her boyfriend at the time. This was the boyfriend she's still in love with and he ended up leaving her because he couldn't provide for her financially and emotionally. She had hoped to have a husband and family by now and fears she hasn't much time left for that.
Where we are right now is not good because, as stated before, she doesn't want to live right now. She's in a financial crisis due to not having a job, so she's irritated she can't find a job in the science field. Couple that with her past traumatic experiences and her feeling ignored by me no matter the progress I make puts her in a very bad place. I've been taking care of her financially, taking on the load with the bills as well as supporting her through all this but she says if I truly cared about her, I would listen to her. I tell her I love her and I'm giving my best effort, but I'm not perfect. She responds with you don't love me the way I need to be loved, so I don't think you love me at all. I'm at a point where I do listen to her, but I'm not perfect so I do mess up. She is at a point where she feels so ignored, she doesn't see the progress I've made because seemingly only never messing up again will satisfy her.
Her rage has caused her to do things I find extremely disrespectful and I was forced to move out of the house earlier this month for fear of her destroying my possessions and belongings. Since then, I still go over there to continue to check up on her and attempt to fix our issues but I can never seem to not trigger her PTSD. I really love and care for her unless I would have never talked to her again after moving out. Now I feel bad about moving out because she started sleeping with a belt around her neck on days I didn't stay at the house. Now I'm feel like I'm forced to be there for her and have to endure disrespect, verbal abuse and her attempting to push me away despite her truly wanting me to be there for her.
It has become such an unpleasant situation. Last night I was helping her with something and she said I missed something, so attentively hearing that I tried to go back and fix it but she caught an attitude claiming I had done something else wrong in the process. I go sit on the couch and she's so mad she becomes more controlling by telling me to get off her couch. I refused to do so because I deserve to be her equal always and will not talk to her sitting on the floor while she continues to sit on the couch. She got up and threw a bucket of ice water on me. Shocked, I go upstairs and sleep on the floor because she kicked me out of our main bedroom. 20 minutes later she comes up the stairs crying about how this relationship has fallen apart and offers me dry clothing. She was in need of cigarettes and I didn't hesitate to drive to the store and get her some. Afterward I stood up with her until 6 a.m. trying to figure out what we can do to save this relationship. We couldn't think of anything new at the time. I work during the day, so decided to go sleep on the floor and fell half asleep. She went into the master bedroom and was trying to talk to me from the other room. I caught the last word as I was waking up and decided to walk right over to her room to ask what she said. She got into another rage because I didn't tell her I was coming. I told her I didn't hear what she said, so I came to her directly so I could hear her clearly. She said I still don't understand and the fact I didn't communicate with her to tell her I was coming (it takes less than 4 seconds to get from one room to the next) I ignored her and triggered her PTSD.
I don't know what I should do anymore. If anyone can relate and offer advice, I would certainly appreciate it. Thank you for reading!
I met my girlfriend in February of 2015 on a whim as me and my brother were living in a house together. My brother's friend also lived with us until he got back on his feet. This friend is the foster brother of my girlfriend, whom he let come stay with us for a few days as she was recovering from an abusive relationship and needed to be around supporters. To make a long story short, I became great friends with her and she ended up staying with us for 2 months. Over that course, I grew to lover her for her smarts, personality and beauty. We had many talks over the course of those two months where she revealed a past of abandonment and neglect from her parents. Her mother was an alcoholic most of her life and couldn't take care of her so she and her brother were put in foster homes until she was 17. Her father died when she was very young so she wasn't fortunate to have any consistent love from anyone growing up. In 2010, she got into an argument with her brother, who ended up assaulting her while her mother just watched and let him. She's had plenty of other traumatic experiences such as molestation, falling out of a tree, falling on her head as a cheerleader and constant neglect from her biological mother.
In addition to all of that, she has epilepsy and insomnia and is on all sorts of medications for pain and sleep. In April, as close friends, we decided to get a place together and moved into a house together. She has told me before living with her that she doesn't think I listen to what she says or pay enough attention to her and this has always been the problem for us. She says for the first time she has found a nice and good guy, but she cannot overlook that she feels ignored by me. Since, I have gone through great lengths to improve my communication and attentiveness when it comes to her, but she is so demanding that I feel sometimes I don't have what it takes to give her what she needs. Most of our issues revolve around common mistakes I make which leads her to feel ignored. One of many examples is when she tells me to do something she wants done a specific way. I simply cannot fail unless her PTSD triggers because she feels like I didn't listen to her. This can be applied to everything I do, even things I've never done before. She's a person that tends to ask A LOT of favors, but her PTSD triggers if it isn't done right because she feels ignored.
She has warned me that when she feels like I ignore her, her PTSD triggers and I've been telling her that I'm committed to improving my communication skills with her and made her aware when she talks, she isn't loud enough and if I don't hear her talking, I can't inquire about what she said because I didn't hear her. If I ever do hear her talking low I always ask her to speak more loudly. The problem is she sees no progress as her PTSD gets worse and I continue to put great effort in improving. It has gotten to the point where I'm walking on eggshells now and she says I don't listen to her at all. Now she's getting suicidal and blaming me for everything despite me attempting to understand her and wanting to be there for her. All I ever try to do is be there for her and now that I know she has PTSD, I want to continue to be there for her, but I'm getting all the blame for my mistakes and she continues to get worse and is convinced everything is my fault.
Another thing she said to me is when someone says sorry, she believes it to mean "I will never ever do it again". I told her when I say I'm sorry, I mean "I'm saddened by the pain I've caused you. I did not mean to do such a thing. If I could take it back, I would. Please forgive me." She takes this as "I can mess up as much as I like as long as I say sorry". So me apologizing to her has taken it's toll. It means nothing to her. I don't know what else I can do other than stay committed to improving my communication skills with her so I don't trigger her PTSD, but her triggers are getting ever more chaotic, violent and destructive.
There are times when I feel like I'm not good enough for her. No one has ever told me I'm a terrible listener and communicator. I value her opinion and the notion she saw a flaw in me that no one else did and I'm dedicated to fixing it. The problem is change doesn't come that easy and she is extremely impatient at 29 years old due to her life not panning out the way she desired it to. My girlfriend graduated from Michigan State tops of her class in Molecular Biology. She had two great jobs coming out of school, but she wasn't happy at her last one and quit due to the request of her boyfriend at the time. This was the boyfriend she's still in love with and he ended up leaving her because he couldn't provide for her financially and emotionally. She had hoped to have a husband and family by now and fears she hasn't much time left for that.
Where we are right now is not good because, as stated before, she doesn't want to live right now. She's in a financial crisis due to not having a job, so she's irritated she can't find a job in the science field. Couple that with her past traumatic experiences and her feeling ignored by me no matter the progress I make puts her in a very bad place. I've been taking care of her financially, taking on the load with the bills as well as supporting her through all this but she says if I truly cared about her, I would listen to her. I tell her I love her and I'm giving my best effort, but I'm not perfect. She responds with you don't love me the way I need to be loved, so I don't think you love me at all. I'm at a point where I do listen to her, but I'm not perfect so I do mess up. She is at a point where she feels so ignored, she doesn't see the progress I've made because seemingly only never messing up again will satisfy her.
Her rage has caused her to do things I find extremely disrespectful and I was forced to move out of the house earlier this month for fear of her destroying my possessions and belongings. Since then, I still go over there to continue to check up on her and attempt to fix our issues but I can never seem to not trigger her PTSD. I really love and care for her unless I would have never talked to her again after moving out. Now I feel bad about moving out because she started sleeping with a belt around her neck on days I didn't stay at the house. Now I'm feel like I'm forced to be there for her and have to endure disrespect, verbal abuse and her attempting to push me away despite her truly wanting me to be there for her.
It has become such an unpleasant situation. Last night I was helping her with something and she said I missed something, so attentively hearing that I tried to go back and fix it but she caught an attitude claiming I had done something else wrong in the process. I go sit on the couch and she's so mad she becomes more controlling by telling me to get off her couch. I refused to do so because I deserve to be her equal always and will not talk to her sitting on the floor while she continues to sit on the couch. She got up and threw a bucket of ice water on me. Shocked, I go upstairs and sleep on the floor because she kicked me out of our main bedroom. 20 minutes later she comes up the stairs crying about how this relationship has fallen apart and offers me dry clothing. She was in need of cigarettes and I didn't hesitate to drive to the store and get her some. Afterward I stood up with her until 6 a.m. trying to figure out what we can do to save this relationship. We couldn't think of anything new at the time. I work during the day, so decided to go sleep on the floor and fell half asleep. She went into the master bedroom and was trying to talk to me from the other room. I caught the last word as I was waking up and decided to walk right over to her room to ask what she said. She got into another rage because I didn't tell her I was coming. I told her I didn't hear what she said, so I came to her directly so I could hear her clearly. She said I still don't understand and the fact I didn't communicate with her to tell her I was coming (it takes less than 4 seconds to get from one room to the next) I ignored her and triggered her PTSD.
I don't know what I should do anymore. If anyone can relate and offer advice, I would certainly appreciate it. Thank you for reading!