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Relationship Failing Relationship With My Ptsd/bordeline Gf

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AzorAhai77

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Hi, I'm new here and have been lurking these forums for valuable information since my girlfriend told me she suffered from PTSD. I've gone from curiosity to a desperate need for information in only a couple months.

I met my girlfriend in February of 2015 on a whim as me and my brother were living in a house together. My brother's friend also lived with us until he got back on his feet. This friend is the foster brother of my girlfriend, whom he let come stay with us for a few days as she was recovering from an abusive relationship and needed to be around supporters. To make a long story short, I became great friends with her and she ended up staying with us for 2 months. Over that course, I grew to lover her for her smarts, personality and beauty. We had many talks over the course of those two months where she revealed a past of abandonment and neglect from her parents. Her mother was an alcoholic most of her life and couldn't take care of her so she and her brother were put in foster homes until she was 17. Her father died when she was very young so she wasn't fortunate to have any consistent love from anyone growing up. In 2010, she got into an argument with her brother, who ended up assaulting her while her mother just watched and let him. She's had plenty of other traumatic experiences such as molestation, falling out of a tree, falling on her head as a cheerleader and constant neglect from her biological mother.

In addition to all of that, she has epilepsy and insomnia and is on all sorts of medications for pain and sleep. In April, as close friends, we decided to get a place together and moved into a house together. She has told me before living with her that she doesn't think I listen to what she says or pay enough attention to her and this has always been the problem for us. She says for the first time she has found a nice and good guy, but she cannot overlook that she feels ignored by me. Since, I have gone through great lengths to improve my communication and attentiveness when it comes to her, but she is so demanding that I feel sometimes I don't have what it takes to give her what she needs. Most of our issues revolve around common mistakes I make which leads her to feel ignored. One of many examples is when she tells me to do something she wants done a specific way. I simply cannot fail unless her PTSD triggers because she feels like I didn't listen to her. This can be applied to everything I do, even things I've never done before. She's a person that tends to ask A LOT of favors, but her PTSD triggers if it isn't done right because she feels ignored.

She has warned me that when she feels like I ignore her, her PTSD triggers and I've been telling her that I'm committed to improving my communication skills with her and made her aware when she talks, she isn't loud enough and if I don't hear her talking, I can't inquire about what she said because I didn't hear her. If I ever do hear her talking low I always ask her to speak more loudly. The problem is she sees no progress as her PTSD gets worse and I continue to put great effort in improving. It has gotten to the point where I'm walking on eggshells now and she says I don't listen to her at all. Now she's getting suicidal and blaming me for everything despite me attempting to understand her and wanting to be there for her. All I ever try to do is be there for her and now that I know she has PTSD, I want to continue to be there for her, but I'm getting all the blame for my mistakes and she continues to get worse and is convinced everything is my fault.

Another thing she said to me is when someone says sorry, she believes it to mean "I will never ever do it again". I told her when I say I'm sorry, I mean "I'm saddened by the pain I've caused you. I did not mean to do such a thing. If I could take it back, I would. Please forgive me." She takes this as "I can mess up as much as I like as long as I say sorry". So me apologizing to her has taken it's toll. It means nothing to her. I don't know what else I can do other than stay committed to improving my communication skills with her so I don't trigger her PTSD, but her triggers are getting ever more chaotic, violent and destructive.

There are times when I feel like I'm not good enough for her. No one has ever told me I'm a terrible listener and communicator. I value her opinion and the notion she saw a flaw in me that no one else did and I'm dedicated to fixing it. The problem is change doesn't come that easy and she is extremely impatient at 29 years old due to her life not panning out the way she desired it to. My girlfriend graduated from Michigan State tops of her class in Molecular Biology. She had two great jobs coming out of school, but she wasn't happy at her last one and quit due to the request of her boyfriend at the time. This was the boyfriend she's still in love with and he ended up leaving her because he couldn't provide for her financially and emotionally. She had hoped to have a husband and family by now and fears she hasn't much time left for that.

Where we are right now is not good because, as stated before, she doesn't want to live right now. She's in a financial crisis due to not having a job, so she's irritated she can't find a job in the science field. Couple that with her past traumatic experiences and her feeling ignored by me no matter the progress I make puts her in a very bad place. I've been taking care of her financially, taking on the load with the bills as well as supporting her through all this but she says if I truly cared about her, I would listen to her. I tell her I love her and I'm giving my best effort, but I'm not perfect. She responds with you don't love me the way I need to be loved, so I don't think you love me at all. I'm at a point where I do listen to her, but I'm not perfect so I do mess up. She is at a point where she feels so ignored, she doesn't see the progress I've made because seemingly only never messing up again will satisfy her.

Her rage has caused her to do things I find extremely disrespectful and I was forced to move out of the house earlier this month for fear of her destroying my possessions and belongings. Since then, I still go over there to continue to check up on her and attempt to fix our issues but I can never seem to not trigger her PTSD. I really love and care for her unless I would have never talked to her again after moving out. Now I feel bad about moving out because she started sleeping with a belt around her neck on days I didn't stay at the house. Now I'm feel like I'm forced to be there for her and have to endure disrespect, verbal abuse and her attempting to push me away despite her truly wanting me to be there for her.

It has become such an unpleasant situation. Last night I was helping her with something and she said I missed something, so attentively hearing that I tried to go back and fix it but she caught an attitude claiming I had done something else wrong in the process. I go sit on the couch and she's so mad she becomes more controlling by telling me to get off her couch. I refused to do so because I deserve to be her equal always and will not talk to her sitting on the floor while she continues to sit on the couch. She got up and threw a bucket of ice water on me. Shocked, I go upstairs and sleep on the floor because she kicked me out of our main bedroom. 20 minutes later she comes up the stairs crying about how this relationship has fallen apart and offers me dry clothing. She was in need of cigarettes and I didn't hesitate to drive to the store and get her some. Afterward I stood up with her until 6 a.m. trying to figure out what we can do to save this relationship. We couldn't think of anything new at the time. I work during the day, so decided to go sleep on the floor and fell half asleep. She went into the master bedroom and was trying to talk to me from the other room. I caught the last word as I was waking up and decided to walk right over to her room to ask what she said. She got into another rage because I didn't tell her I was coming. I told her I didn't hear what she said, so I came to her directly so I could hear her clearly. She said I still don't understand and the fact I didn't communicate with her to tell her I was coming (it takes less than 4 seconds to get from one room to the next) I ignored her and triggered her PTSD.

I don't know what I should do anymore. If anyone can relate and offer advice, I would certainly appreciate it. Thank you for reading!
 
I noticed a few things... first of all, unless you are doing things that specifically related to her of her trauma, you are not triggering her PTSD. Here is a little clarification that helped me to understand this. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/

What is sounds like is she is not managing her stressors very well, so she is blaming YOU for "triggering her PTSD." That is B.S., and I think some sufferers tend to do this, whether on purpose or not, to shift blame.

Here is the stress cup explanation... it explains what happens when a sufferer is confronted with stress. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/

Se needs to learn to manage her stressors, and stop blaming others (you being the closest target). Until she does so, she will never be happy with you.
 
I'm a sufferer, not a supporter - but is she getting any therapy right now? It sounds like she is really spiraling downward with a number of things, and borderline really benefits from solid management- so does PTSD. Those two together are a lot to manage, plus just insecurities anyone might have about whether they will get a job they like, have a family, be happy, etc.

You could also consider couples counseling, because it sounds like the two of you could use a mediator - especially in order for her to hear you.
 
It's obvious she is really suffering. But this sounds like a pretty one-sided relationship: her needs and...her needs. Don't get sucked into that. Agree with @joeylittle that she needs her own structured support and maybe some support for you as a couple (mediator who can offer outside perspective and see how actually you are not heard, and that you are probably doing your best but her mental illness likely colors every effort you make and everything you say).

With her own therapy hopefully she could get a little clarity on some of these relationship patterns but also some of her own tools/skills for understanding and managing her stress differently (ditto @Sweetpea76 ). Really sounds like she needs more professional help.
 
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Now I'm feel like I'm forced to be there for her and have to endure disrespect, verbal abuse

She sounds very manipulative. You don't have to do any of this or take care of her. She needs therapy. And you shouldn't have to give up your life or feeling okay with yourself. This is all obviously from a place of suffering but I assume she's an expert manipulator and you alone won't likely be able to change this pattern for her.
 
Welcome to the forum, and well done for asking for advice.

First off, you have your own needs that are not being met, such as basic respect for your person, and the boundaries of personal responsibility - you can not ever hope to be responsible for what she feels...

There are some "BPD" blogs covering methods for learning emotional regulation, distress tolerance, interpersonal skills and mindfulness, Debbie Corso's blog springs to mind.
For therapy, plain vanilla CBT doesn't work, it just comes across as invalidating and judgemental. Marsha Linehan's DBT has developed into one of the treatments of choice for addressing the needs for skills,validation and change, in people who experience "borderline" characteristics.

For yourself, please search for the alanon document called "detachment"
You are risking being dragged into the trap of being a co-dependant enabler of her problem cognitions and behaviours- not good for you or her.
I seriously think you need a relationship therapist, to help you both learn and take responsibility for your individual needs. Trying it alone is very likely to result in her feeling abandoned (possibly her default state-and understandable from her background experiences), and you on the receiving end of rage for abandoning her, and being "so selfish".

It is doable, good luck.
@
 
Why do i need a relationship like this , as it stands it sounds like no relationship at all , but rather a dependency or a need to have someone regardless of what you are getting out of this. How can you say you love here , when its clear that there is no hope of a healthy love growing in what could only be termed a sick situation. PTSD or no PTSD , I would not tolerate such behavior, it simply sounds twisted and unhealthy . I would suggest counselling and therapy to her and if she did not follow up and get help i would leave, and at this stage i would not suggest couples counselling as it sounds like you have not had many healthy periods or interactions nor does it even sound like a relationship. I would ask my self a simple question , why do i want this relationship , and is what im seeking from it even achievable.
 
@Sweetpea76 Thank you very much for that realization. I had no idea there was such a thing as a stressor. She does see a therapist, but only once a month now due to her moving to the city we live in now. She used to go a few times a week before she moved to my city.

@joeylittle She see's a therapist once a month now, but I don't know how much it is working for her considering she's getting worse. Yesterday I told her I would give her gas money so she could visit her therapist more often but she shot down the idea claiming I'm not an unlimited bank account, but I truly want her to get the help she needs. Thank you for your reply.

@Chava Thank you for the post. You're absolutely right, I've told her it is very one-sided. She eluded to me that she's been so hurt in her past by previous boyfriends that she's become unwilling to give her all if she feels like she's not getting what she needs. I have a problem with this as we both need to have our needs met mutually to even have a chance at making this work, but I'm not sure if she feels like since she has PTSD, her needs take precedence over my own. It's simply not fair if this is her train of thought.

I clearly see the signs of control and manipulation. At first I thought this was the case because she is older than me and has had much more relationship experience than me but I slowly started to realize when things don't go the way she likes, there is hell to pay. This can be applied to her other relationships as well. Currently she is not on good terms with my mother, brother, her mother, her brother, her foster parents, her foster brother, her foster sister as well as her friends she's made here. With that said, there's no way this is everyone's fault. The problem is she has an illness and isn't getting the help she needs to be able to cope with it and maintain her relationships. She's aware she has a problem, but thinks everyone around her is making it worse and it's their fault.

Once I relayed to her she was being very manipulative and controlling. Then she turned it back on me claiming I'm really the manipulator by ignoring her and getting her in a situation where she is forced to depend on me. I never wanted this though. Her mother has been sober for a few years and has turned her life around with starting a successful massage therapist business, where my gf worked until she got mad at me for hitting the snooze button and making her a few minutes late for work. Her mother was okay with it, though, and understands she has a tough time getting to work with all the medication she's on. She tried to tell her mother why she was mad at me and her mother, for some reason, walked away mid-sentence to wash her hands. That initiated a stressor, caused a rage, and she impulsively quit her job. She did this because of her mother's failure to pay attention to her. I can't be held responsible for her choice because her mother made her angry, so she wasn't forced to depend on me, she chose to. And I told her it was okay. I can look out for you because it won't always be like this. You can lean on me until you get back on your feet. Problem is she is so depressed now that she has no motivation to gain back control of her life.

@Anarchy Thanks for the welcome. That makes a lot of sense. I believe I'm of the personality that is more selfless than the average person. I've spent a lot of time not worrying about what I need and focused on what she needed. What that has done is kill my self-confidence, self worth and is making me dependent on pleasing her when I will never achieve this while her stress isn't being managed properly.

You brought up a great point. She must be going through CBT right now, which doesn't seem to be working for her as she doesn't take advice very well. DBT may be exactly what she needs. I will look into this as well as blogs and document you mentioned. Thanks!

@darrenS Thanks for the response, sir. I agree with you. It wasn't always like this, though. The person I fell in love with is the person that exhibited no signs of PTSD. Then when the signs came, and understanding that no one in her past was strong enough to help her through these rough times and would rather abandon her then get her the help she needs, I decided I would be there for her no matter what because she deserves someone by her side, whether I was her boyfriend or just someone with a big heart who cared enough when no one else would.

Last night, we talked because I chose not to stay the night with her at the house (because of what she did the previous night (see last paragraph of first post)). She wanted to know why I don't listen to her. I told her I do, but I'm not perfect. I can't take the burden of being blamed for everything. It's not fair to me or her. I'm doing my part by staying committed to improving my listening skills, but she has to do her part and get the help she needs, which I offered to help her with. Today she will drive to see her therapist and offered me to go with her. It wasn't easy for me to agree because I've been so shaken by this relationship I don't know if it will help or not but I agreed for the simple fact I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't try everything in my power to be with the person I love. The most important thing for me is that I don't hurt her. I never wanted to. I don't want to. She doesn't want me to give up on her, and I don't want to, but if it means not hurting her anymore, it may be worth it.
 
While it can be rewarding to identify your self as generous caring and giving...

Do not neglect your own needs, and do not become an enabler of destructive behaviours.

You might like to look up karpman drama triangle
And "rescuing" in the codependent sense of the word.

A rescued person can easily end up feeling diminished and humiliated by being rescued, and the rescuer can feel under appreciated by the apparently ungrateful treatment they get in return, that's where the drama triangle kicks off,and keeps kicking
 
i understand your dilemma , its not an easy situation to be in, but above all of this what is most important is your own health. I find it concerning that she states you are not listening , or rather not hearing her, how much listening do you have to do in order to satisfy her and i have found when people state this and you are actually listening , what they are actually wanting is not achievable , they are simply not hearing themselves . As much as it can be a sign of support to join a partner in a therapy session, with a person with PTSD , i would simply advise to stay away , this is because one key point of PTSD is trust issues and as much as their heart wants to share it with you , in then hope of seeing their pain you may understand more, the condition will create trust conflicts, and you may find yourself weathering more attacks.

If your emotions and thoughts are warning you...listen to them , if you feel like running , take a step back, put some healthy distance there to protect yourself , you dont have to disappear , but simply create a boundary that gives you a safe zone so to speak. I admire you for not dumping her for want of a better description, but just remember you cannot be of any help if you become damaged by your interactions - sure be there , but ensure you always remain clear as to what is your problem and what is hers. Ensure she gets the professional help she needs is probably the best you can do , but at the same time , ensure you also get independent help and support ...good luck and i do wish you all the best
 
It sounds like she needs to learn how to empower herself and that will happen with therapy. Forgive me, 'good trauma therapy'. I feel like you won't win no matter what direction you go in this relationship as it stands. PTSD'ers need to help ourselves first and foremost, not step back and place our healing in others' hands.

I agree with @Anarchy , Karpman Triangle is a really good thing for you (and she) to understand.
 
She does see a therapist, but only once a month now due to her moving to the city we live in now. She used to go a few times a week before she moved to my city.

With her putting a belt around her neck to sleep and all the issues with the relationship I'd say 1 therapy appointment per month is not enough. It really isn't worth it for anyone (when I was having insurance issues my therapist and I talked a bit about what is even worth continuing...once a month isn't because there isn't enough continuity in support and working on therapy goals).

Could she go weekly or 2x weekly? Why only once a month? Insurance? Her idea?

she's become unwilling to give her all if she feels like she's not getting what she needs. I have a problem with this as we both need to have our needs met mutually to even have a chance at making this work, but I'm not sure if she feels like since she has PTSD, her needs take precedence over my own. It's simply not fair if this is her train of thought.

You're right it's not fair. To suffer and struggle in relationships, and sometimes have an imbalance of needs, is not a big deal. But it sounds like you are in the position to make up for all her past relationships and be her caretaker, not "partner".

The problem is she has an illness and isn't getting the help she needs to be able to cope with it and maintain her relationships. She's aware she has a problem, but thinks everyone around her is making it worse and it's their fault.

That's really tricky. The thinking is not unlike someone I had to work with once (also borderline). If she refuses to get more help or own her part in wrecking relationships and hurting people (including herself), I'd think it wise to distance yourself but be honest why...you could tell her you care and out of that, wish she would get more help. Or something like that...(I'm not good with this stuff because I just sneak away from people)...

She tried to tell her mother why she was mad at me and her mother, for some reason, walked away mid-sentence to wash her hands. That initiated a stressor, caused a rage, and she impulsively quit her job. She did this because of her mother's failure to pay attention to her

Sounds very low-functioning and pretty out of control. The scary part is that she probably doesn't see her illness clearly from where she is at, but is stuck in some warp zone of sorts where her reality is not the same as more standard reality.

I'm doing my part by staying committed to improving my listening skills, but she has to do her part and get the help she needs

Yes. Again, once a month is not even worth it. I'm curious why she isn't seeing someone weekly (or a couple or few times a week). I understand probably some PTSD but this sounds like a whole lot of highly activated and triggered BPD behavior. She needs a good therapist who can understand this and help her out of this downward spiral.
 
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