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Fdhionly's Road Interview

Discussion in 'General' started by fdhionly, Apr 27, 2007.

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  1. fdhionly

    fdhionly New Member

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    Start The Road Interview "copy between the tags" //

    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What colour is the road? Brownish gray
    Q2. What texture is the road?The road is dry and dusty, little more than a foot path
    Q3. How solid is the road? It's part of the earth itself, so it's pretty firm

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river? On an aerial ferry
    Q5. What does the water look like?distant ,murky
    Q6. How fast is the water current?rapid
    Q7. Is there anything in the water?not that I noticed If so, what?

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house? t's a faded butter yellow with faded black shingles
    Q9. What condition is the house in? Aged, but not run down
    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? The house seems abandoned and empty

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup? The base of the cup is like a silver tree with six or seven branch fingers attached to a moonstone coloured round bowl
    Q12. What condition is the cup in? It's beautifu
    Q13. Is there anything in the cup?Yes If so, what? thick repulsive blood

    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?it's a huge smooth stone staircase that envelops my path and winds upwards going from one side to another. The first step is several feet above my head.
    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? nothing my vision is surrounded by the wall of the first step, which I am unaware is a step

    // End The Road Interview "copy between the tags" //
     
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  3. fdhionly

    fdhionly New Member

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    Part II of Fdhionly's Road Interview

    In the first part of the imagery, my road is dry: there is a feeling of being parched, without nourishment. I get the sense that this is a reflection of how I feel unfufilled, spiritually starved on my path right now. The road, which I describe in the intial section as a path, I believe it is a metaphor for my life. It strikes me that it's old, and I feel like I have been aimlessly wandering down this road for along time with no progress. There is the sense of plodding along without making any further progress, which aptly describes my discouragement over my own ineffectual 18 year healing (?) process to date. The other thing is that the road is hardly distinguishable from the rest of the earth around it,stretching to the horizon, which reflects how I feel like my whole life is immersed in this depleted, hopeless mood.

    The water part really resonates for how I don't relate to my own feelings. First I cross it in an aerial ferry, passing over the river far below in a deep dangerous canyon. I have a fear of my feelings, and all the rational reasons otherwise does not soothe this fear. This is expressed by how I can sense the rapid flowing of the river, much like the way I can feel my emotions churning deep within me - yet, like the murkiness, I have no clarity, no connection to what my feelings are about. Even observing them I feel nausea, like lurching in my stomach as I cross over on the swinging aerial ferry. It also strikes me that I am vulnerable and exposed - the ferry does not appear to be a safe reliable vessel, but it's travel on the ferry, or stay stuck on the river bank. Kind of how I view therapy right now - I don't have a lot of faith in myself or the process, and it's scary. I very well might fail. Still, to do nothing is to give up entirely.

    The thing with the house, is that it's a little worn, but not worn out. It's not a trashed, contaminated house - more neglected. I also note that it looks empty, but that's only a first impression. There's nothing to indicate the house couldn't become a lovely home with a little bit of elbow grease from me. I stand back at this part of the image, reluctant to get close. I believe the whole imagery around the house is how I relate to my inner self.

    The cup is beautiful, a one of a kind sort of art piece. I am fascinated with the moonstone bowl, the smooth cool texture of it. The blood by contrast is vital, supernatural- almost eerily alive, with huge chunks of clots and repulsive by contrast to the harmony of the cup. I am confused about what this part of the imagery relates to, and have no certain linkage with it as I do with the previous parts of the imagery.

    The thing with the obstacle is I can't really tell what it is, even though it completly blocks my path. Because of my ignorance it seems unsurmountable. Indeed, the height to the first step seems to symbolize how I don't know how to deal with my challenges, my emotional numbness especially. Interesting that my numbness is a wall, and that's what the stair appears to be. Anotehr stirking element is it's slippery and I feel that way about trying to stay with my healing, I guess. I don't know if the slipperiness is an intrinsic characteristic of something, or if it's related to the way I can distract (unheality) with my mind, living as I do from the neck up.

    That's about it for my road interview;which really surprised me since I don't visualize well. I wonder what the next step is, if anyone has any suggestions I'd be happy to hear them.
    :wall:
     
  4. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi FD, sorry about taking so long to reply... had my own issues lately, so here goes:

    You feel deceived and confused about life, and whilst you feel you are progressing well, you are likely finding life difficult. You have severe dysfunction when it comes to trust within intimacy, likely due to your past deception. You feel you would rather return to an ealier time in childhood to not deal with your poor support systems. You demonstrate a very low self esteem. You highly value commitment, though have been highly victimized by family in your past. Your largest issue at present is keeping your true feelings inside, though you know once you open up, the rest will flow out and will become easier to be more open. You see little future at present.
     
  5. fdhionly

    fdhionly New Member

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    Hi Anthony,

    Thanks for the reply, it was pretty accurate. Your comments sound an awful lot like my therapist, especially when it comes to intimacy and emotional disconnection! I'm in a classic-chicken-and-egg situation: I have had PTSD from abuse I experienced as a child, and later in my first marriage, but I also have trust issues from subsequent relationships with addicts (one of whom is my current husband).

    Other than my immediate family of my husband and 2 adult daughters, I don't have any family that I would want to spend time with. Either they are unknown persons to me, or as you have commented, they are people who have been cruel in my past. I remember discovering in geneological research a few years ago that one of my ancestors up the tree was related to the historial person "MacBeth" was based on, and it didn't surprise me at all. It's a painful topic, and one I feel isolates me from the majority of people because generally family is a source of joy and strength. For myself, it has been the exact opposite, and I feel like it is taboo to talk about outside of therapy unless I want to risk being judged as a freak by normal folks.

    As to my intense apathy over my future, it's pretty complicated. I have done lots of therapy and if anything, I feel I have regressed over the last 20 years. For the longest time my spirituality held me together, but in the last year I have completely lost my faith. I don't even trust my previous beliefs, I think I just wanted a cosmic rescue - that's probably part of the deceipt.

    It's not like only the outside world can be deceitful, often I feel like some inner part of me is that way too. The other part of my future problem has to do with the environment, I have a lot of grief about the damage being done to it.

    I am not sure I understand the following couple of comments:

    - You feel you would rather return to an ealier time in childhood to not deal with your poor support systems.

    I don't have a childhood I would want to return to, it was h#ll. The whole poor support systems issue is kind of beyond me at this time. I never have been a person who's good with idle chat, and the older I get the more introverted I seem to become. It seems like an enormous effort to go through meeting another group of people again, opening myself up and facing rejection, again. I just don't do people very well it seems, and I'm not very motivated to connect.

    - Your largest issue at present is keeping your true feelings inside, though you know once you open up, the rest will flow out and will become easier to be more open.

    This is largely a theoretical concept for me, a favorite fantasy if you will. I don't trust myself to be able to do this. My therapist thinks some of this may have to do with the anti-depressants I am on, as they tend to flatten feelings.

    Thanks again for sharing your comments, :rolleyes:
    fdhionly
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    FD, yes anti-depressants do have that effect on most people, though opening up is a choice, and no medication can stop that if you make the choice to simply let it all go, be honest, and rid yourself of the secrets. You see, your amongst a group of people here who all have experienced similar things to yourself or experience the same things now because of PTSD. You see, nobody here is a freak to another, nor different in much of a way, because the more you read here, the more you would notice how lives seem to replicate one another when PTSD is involved, or abuse is involved, or rape is involved, or military is involved, etc etc... all the same.

    The childhood comment is not rhetorical in the sense that you would like to return to your own childhood as such, but more an earlier age where you don't have to deal with the pressures of life so much, and adults should deal with them for you... not necessarily your childhood, but just childhood in general. People often sub-consciously have these thoughts to escape life... that is part of their goal, to escape the stress, anxiety and issues surrounding life, and what better way to do that than being a child once again. Regardless what we all endure as a child, we still see other childrens lives, better or worse than our own, which we remember and can consciously choose to return to similar standings.

    Your not Robinson Cruiso when it comes to keeping your feelings inside, just about every person does it, some more than others. We all keep secrets at points in our lives, some their entire lives. I still have secrets that I cannot disclose due to my military career, but there not the type of secrets that affect me negatively, so there is no need to discuss them. All the negative content has been ridden from me, I have dealt with all that, and that is what you must do... you must open Pandora's box to begin with, then allow it to all just flow out and stop fighting it.

    We are our own worst enemy, we really are. The longer you choose to keep everything within you, the longer you remain ill. You mention about losing your faith, well... I could tell you that you shouldn't rely on anything like faith in the first place, god or similar, because healing PTSD is a logical process, not a spiritual one. Nobody else can help you except you. That doesn't mean you can't be religous, you just have to use commonsense when it comes to what you have, and realise that no amount off prayer or the like is going to take all your burdens away, only you can remove the negativity from your life.

    Healing PTSD is all about choice, and it cannot begin until you the sufferer actively engage to commit yourself into healing, not pretending to do it, but really being open and honest with yourself about all the trauma, let it out. Nobody can force us to help ourselves, we must make the choice to help ourselves.
     
  7. fdhionly

    fdhionly New Member

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    Thanks for the clarification Anthony, I think I understand the childhood reference...it's a longing to be in a childlike state where I am taken care off, with no worries or responsibilities?

    I think a part of secret keeping has to do with the reason for the secret (yours is professional) and the impact keeping the secret has on a person. For myself it's the volume of unpleasant secrets coupled with the ftf loneliness. It shared this with my therapist and she commented that I am like a psychologist in that I have little ability to talk about ordinary things and an sensitivity to superficiallity that makes friend finding challenging.

    On another note, what is the idea behind the journal section? How am I supposed to work with a diary? Is it ongoing or a one-time thing?

    Thanks
    Fdhionly :think:
     
  8. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    FD, the diaries are ongoing... they are yours, to post, add to as you desire, to help yourself document and nut out what you do, something for you to come back to after a panic attack for instance, then review and help yourself to learn what you are doing, what you are like, the things that go through your mind that you simply forget or ignore.... etc etc. People can respond if they desire, depending on where you post it.
     
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