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Fear Of Failing - Catastrophes

Discussion in 'General' started by Nemesis, Apr 14, 2007.

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  1. Nemesis

    Nemesis New Member

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    Without boring you with the string of catastrophes and failures that have brought me to where I am emotionally, I have another career altering decision on my hands.

    My problem: I'm gripped by inertia. FWIW, I have an MD after my name so inertia is not a mindset I'm too familiar with. Now I'm terrified of making a decision. Either way, I see myself descending into another failure.

    Sound familiar to anyone? Anybody find success getting free from the grip of this stuck feeling?

    Take Care,
    -Mark
     
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  3. willing

    willing Active Member

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    Try writing pros and cons. Let them sit a day then go back and see what seems real and what seems unlikely or not of reality. Approach it from the stand point that this is between you and God, or higher power or whatever and it doesn't matter what others think and you can't care what you think you SHOULD do. Also look at what is the worst thing that could happen if you fail. I mean cause sometimes a failure turns out to be a win situation in the long run.
    Good luck
    Patty
     
  4. Nemesis

    Nemesis New Member

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    Patty,

    Thank you for the reply. I feel very lonely with this stuff and your suggestion helps a lot. I'm not generally a solitary person, but I've become one as of late.

    Again, thank you.

    - Mark
     
  5. map9

    map9 Active Member

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    Your comments have prompted me to assess and evaluate where I am also. I understand the place of inertia. It's as if any decision may harbor negative consequences. Therefore you become stuck in that place of not doing, even to the point of not thinking or doing easy, simple or mindless activities (mine is reading books, watching TV, going to the movies and surfing the internet and occasionally going shopping for stuff I don't need but want - all pretty much in that sequence) in order to blot out thinking or doing what I really should. This preceeds a depressive state. Sometimes the depressive state is a compound problem of guilt, shame, poor self-esteem and various levels of anger/fear/loathing. Have you been getting any kind of professional help? Simply put, it's because your too valuable to let this go for too long. Kind regards. map9
     
  6. Nemesis

    Nemesis New Member

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    map9,

    Thank you for writing. A voice from the tall weeds. It makes me feel better just knowing that you get it. Yea, I have a psychiatrist. I honestly think it is to pacify the dwindling crowd. I tell him what I told you and I get a blank stare. I hate that at $200 per hour. Then I get: "what if you could never practice medicine again". What if you woke up and found you penis in a mason jar? And this guy's a doctor. Well, ideally, I wouldn't have fought like a starved jackal against the most savage cut-throats to get into med-school, borrow 6 figures to pay for the pleasure, then beat my head against a wall for 4 years of school and 3 years post-doc just so I could crash a Learjet, earn 4 spinal surgeries and start a string of unbelievably true post-modern deconstructionalist circumstances culminating in my present tense. Dang it.

    Honestly, all I wanted to do was help folks and it was taken away from me. The random circumstances that wont abate, the inertia - there's nowhere I really want to move toward, so I guess it's my fault in a dark way. I'm bored going to sleep and waking up five times per night in the midst of a nightmare thinking, "what the hell". And I quit drinkin' 8 years ago. Bad timing.

    The professional help isn't helping. Does it ever? I'd be better off playing poker in the Carribean. Winning, of course. Here's a non-sequitor, but fitting for a PTSD forum: the massacre at VA Tech by an English major. Everyone's looking for an Islamic connection to the name, Ishmael written on his arm. Have you read Moby Dick? I had to rummage about to find my copy, but I knew there was something there. I think I figured out that poor bastard. Page one:

    "Call me Ishmael."
    "Whenever it is a drizzly November in my soul, whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street and methodically knocking people's hats off -- then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can."

    Random psychosis makes me fall off my unicycle.


    Take care, and do write (if you want) -
    - Mark
     
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