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Assault Fear Of Not Being Believed

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I'm sorry. It sounds really difficult, crazy, and also in sine ways confusing.

Maybe it seems like things are spiraling out of control, but it might be better for you if things are out in the open a bit. Maybe you'll get to see that it's not your fault. Your T can help you. Maybe it will be good to see how seriously this is being taken. Sexual assault is serious. It doesn't matter if we deem it small or big. Sexual assault is sexual assault. Some kinds are definitely worse than other kinds, but the the other kinds still don't get dismissed. It's like the littlest kind of sexual assault is huge, and it increases from there. It's like a small giant is still a giant. A big giant is just a bigger giant. It doesn't make the small one less than a giant.

I hope you get to see your husband and T come to your defense. You're worth fighting for. What that man did to you is a crime. And it sounds like they want him punished.

I still don't think you were necessarily singled out. I think there's a very big possibility that if there was someone else standing where you were, that he would have done it to them. I really don't think your the only one that he's done that to.
 
Thank you @Gaining-clarity , it does feel unreal. My therapist is very good in these types of things. He started in on the whole blame issue right away, but also walked me through how a perpetrator picks out their victims. How they see a green light even though we're competely unaware that it's happening. He also walked me through the steps of my own response and what to expect over the next little while. I found that helpful.

Yes, he very much rose up in my defense. He did make it clear that he feels very protective of his clients and has a hard time having to sit back. He said that if I didn't have any support at all, he would accompany me to file a report, but since he is confident in my husband's response to this, it puts his mind at ease a bit. He does want me to keep texting or emailing regularly over the next week. I think perhaps this is bothering him even more than he's letting on. Feels the need to be in the loop - for himself, not just me.

I don't want to file a complaint at all. I really want to run the other way. The damage has been done. Now I have to deal with it. Perhaps that sounds like taking the easy way out, but I'm just not that type of person. However, I've been counselled by both my husband and Therapist that I need to follow my husband's lead. Let him be the protector that he is. Yes, he's very angry about this. I am glad about that. I really had serious doubts that he would believe me at all. I'm very thankful that I've been proven wrong.

So this Saturday, I will have to and file the report at the "scene of the crime". Won't be easy, but I'm not expecting it to be.

Thank you so much for responding. It means a lot.
 
I didn't intend to share a any of this, but some info came out. He didn't press for too many details when I said I wasn't comfortable even texting it. He asked if I had reported it. I made it clear that I don't want to do anything about this. I know he doesn't agree with me but I don't think he'll do anything about it since I did say it could have been worse.
I relate to thinking "it could have been worse".

I hope you learn to not diminish how serious it is to have your personal space violated. Nobody has a right to own your body. Many people learn as a child to protect themselves automatically unless they are punished for it, as I was, and probably you were too. I let men use me because I thought I was worthless and had no rights but it eventually destroyed me.

As I said before, I would freak out, and I have freaked out when I've thought it was about to happen again. My reactions probably looked crazy to an outsider.

So this Saturday, I will have to and file the report at the "scene of the crime".
I don't understand. Do you have to file a report at the gym class? I thought you would report it to the police.

I'm glad your husband will be with you to reinforce the severity of the crime.

I once reported to the police that a customer of a house inspection I did, put his hand on the doorknob to stop me when I was trying to leave his house. It shook me that he might prevent me from leaving, however I had the feeling he was in a dream state. He did not stop me from leaving.

The police thought he had been drinking to the point he was not cognizant of reality. I didn't press charges, just gave the report in case others had similar experiences with this man.

Regarding feeling you were picked from a crowd as a victim, this is very true. I appeared as a victim most of my life and was used mercilessly, not realizing how destructive it really was, until I had a complete mental breakdown that caused me the inability to speak or be around people.

I lost all my defenses and saw the reality of danger around me for the first time. I had to rebuild my defenses from the ground up and recognize when others intended to use me.

I would freeze and freak out, recognizing I must have looked like a panicked animal cornered by a hunter. I had no understanding of why I acted that way and had no control of my behavior. It was a fight or flight response but I just froze and mentally was scared to death as if the person was going to rip me to shreds.

I am still learning normal personal people skills since I was only taught to shut up and be invisible as a child, and everything was my fault. I didn't know how abnormal I was until I had to fend for myself as an adult.
 
I'd be interested to know what your T is showing you about how predators choose their victim
Yes, I don't mind sharing. I've been told as @Knak said, I was chosen out of the crowd. A perpetrator knows how to sniff a vulnerable person out of a crowd. They will test the victim first to confirm what they already know. ex the man bumped into me first, I did look up and he apologized. Didn't give me any warning bells at all. The second pass was only a minute or so later, he placed his hand on my shoulder. I knew instinctively that it was the same person. (My warning bells went off then and I began to gather my things as quickly as I could). Because I didn't respond to his advance that in any aggressive way, that was the green light he wanted and probably expected. He knew then that he could move in make his assault and get away quickly enough. He would know that I would be taken completely by surprise - in fact from what my therapist told me, these people count on that. The element of surprise is what causes them to get away with it all the time.

I guess all that makes sense, but I still can't really get away from the feeling of responsibility. I'm usually the first person to tell someone else to not blame themselves, but it's a completely different thing altogether when you're the victim. I'm struggling just to accept that I was sexually assaulted. It doesn't feel possible. I badly want it to be someone different. I dissociated on Monday for a couple of hours - seemed to snap out of it when my coffee machine beeped off. In many ways, I wish I still had the ability to force it now. Maybe it would be easier.

My therapist also walked me through what the next week/couple of weeks will look like for me. He said that at the moment I'm in frozen mode, trying to digest and barely starting to thaw - even some denial. Second will come grief which leads quickly into anger. He said that when the anger kicks in, it's usually fast and furious. Often if a woman is going to come forward with a report, that's when she does it. She's angry enough to want to take back what was taken. Make the person pay for what he's done.

I'm not there yet. I feel as though surely this can't be for real. This didn't really happen.

My husband wants me to go back to the gym with him to report it partly so the staff will be on the lookout, but also for my sake in standing up for myself at the place where I was assaulted. Unfortunately, my T agrees with him. He just assured me that my husband is acting in a righteous anger and I need to follow his lead. My reasons for going may not be at all what his are, but that's ok.

I feel forced into doing something I really don't want to do. I go to this gym several weeks a month and don't want to be recognized or get any pity from those I see every week. It almost feels as though I'd rather be completely anonymous where I don't know anyone and no one knows me.

If you would pray for me on Saturday morning @Gaining-clarity I would be very appreciative.

It's very possible that I may get re-routed to the police station and even put to a sketch artist. In some ways, as frightening as that is, I would almost prefer that as anonymity would be more of a sure thing than at the gym.

Regardless, I won't be going alone. I'll have my husband with me as well as the one support person who's been with me all along. My husband is the protector in this... his presence speaks louder than me alone probably would. My friend is the one who meets me on the emotional level. She's aggressive and definitely wants to protect those she cares about - certainly made it clear that if there's any way possible that I identify the same person again, she intends to confront him loudly in front of everyone... I definitely don't want that! Hopefully he won't be there. This is really hard.
 
It was a violation of your person and wrong. With all the stuff in the news right now about men who feel they can just grab women at will it makes it all the more scary maybe. I did not read all the posts in between. Without a witness doing anything legal would probably be futile and they might take a lax attitude about it, making the trauma worse. But if your friend wants a go at him! Course the dirt bag would probably deny it.
 
@Knak turns out you were right. I was advised by a police officer that I have to file to an officer or the gym can't do anything. They need a police report.

I went to our local precinct with my husband yesterday and filed the report. The officer seemed young but not callous about. He was honest with us that it could easily take more than a month before we hear anything back.

Because it could involve other people especially children, it will likely be opened as an investigation sooner than later. He said that they would collect any footage from possible cameras. My description should be enough to identify him.

I'm not holding my breath. By yesterday evening I realized that I really don't feel anything anymore. Not scared, anxious or anything. I know how to maintain this state (used to be a problem) now I'm glad I can do this. Hopefully I can hold it for a while. The emotions are just too strong. I'm also aware of my own thoughts of getting out...permanently. At least I can identify it quickly enough that I can pay attention to it. Suicidal ideations were also a problem a year or so ago.

We'll see what the week brings.
 
I was just touched. Really doesn't seem like it should matter.
Let's take the just out of this.
1. You were touched inappropriately
2. You were manipulated
3. You were taken advantage of
4. You were actually assaulted
5. You froze. It was NOT your fault.
Long story short, a man I don't know backed me up and ran his hand down from my shoulder to my waist...
I think it is important that you not minimize what happened. You weren't just touched. This is sexual in nature. What kind of piece of kak human being does this?

Oh, and btw, this happened to me as well a few years back. And I did nothing to encourage this guy. He led me around the corner of a coffee shop under false pretenses and pinned me against a wall and touched me too. Sexually. I fawned out completely. I swear to god, if he had wanted to he could have led me to his car and and I would have gone. Freeze/fawn is so incredibly damaging. It leads to so much shame. Shame that actually belongs to the piece of kak predator.

I suggest continuing to talk to your therapist about this more as it is a danger for you in the hear and the now. You need coping skills to keep yourself safe.

For the record, not meaning to be a trouble maker - not too impressed with your husband's level of support for your situation.
 
I stand and applaud you @stp2012.

You were brave enough, regardless of the odds to make that police report. I see that as a significant achievement.

Many, including myself would have slipped into stay silent because in my way of thinking, no one ever believes me and it will just make more trouble.

I understand your numbness as a learned response. That's okay to feel nothing. It might be just what you need right now.
I hope with all my heart no matter the outcome you take the time to be very, very proud of yourself for being strong enough to do the right thing in making that report.
 
It almost feels as though I'd rather be completely anonymous where I don't know anyone and no one knows me.
I think that is one characteristic that perpetrators notice. When I think of it I will deliberately look at everybody because I feel like if I don't they will see me as scared. That is what people in the Secret Service or FBI or CIA are trained to do.
The officer seemed young but not callous about.
That is what meant a lot to me. I wasn't treated as if it was something I did to sexually attract him. I never felt any judgement against me by the person taking the report, and further action was offered seriously totally dependent on my judgement.
Because it could involve other people especially children,
That did not occur to me but it seems more important, as children are more vulnerable to intimidation, keeping it secret, and being involved against their will until it destroys them. It is true that the perpetrator will become more brazen. I tend to watch adults who spend time talking with children. They could have a good motive or a bad one but they have a motive because it is not natural.

Vulnerability in general is true of women too, who are taught to withhold aggression as a social grace. Men are taught aggression. Sex is a whole other issue added to their need for power or anger release. The manipulations can be imperceivable as there are so many. We all have weaknesses we are unaware of so can't pick up on every clue.

Since time has passed and I've learned the feeling of safe vs. unsafe, so now if a man gets too close I get angry that they tried to intimidate me so have no qualms of stepping away and ignoring them or insulting them, even in a crowd. It comes from my fear. I don't trust men and look for anything that makes me uncomfortable.

One guy was assigned as our co-leader in a Bible study. He was at our house and we were discussing what to say at the first meeting. Then my husband had to leave. We were side by side reading a paper and he put his foot against mine. I was surprised but mentally trusted him as a Christian in the same body of Christ and wanted to reciprocate and show I felt safe enough to lean toward him, as I would have done with a woman. It was funny when he suddenly had to step away from me because he meant it as an intimidation tactic but it backfired. It was a learning experience and I found out what kind of person he was.

That reminds me, my husband and I used to hold hands while watching TV but then he started putting my hand on his genitals when we watched TV and I freaked out and I froze. It happened several times. Thank God he quit doing it. He used to bully me and still does but now I fight back. Now I know he is mentally ill, but he almost drove me to suicide many times. I deliberately insult/hurt him to keep him away. I feel bad because it's not my nature but it is the only way i can protect myself. He likes to make me feel worthless.

When I started freaking out I started insulting men, even if they were innocently trying to see if I was interested in them when I was single.I still don't have social graces. I was at a couples party - men who golfed together and their wives - and my husband would talk about one man who went through women like water. He brought a woman who was talking about all the engagement rings she had, trying to attract his interest in her. I started insulting him right away. I called him a pin head because his head was so small. The woman who had the party won't have anything to do with me now.

When I was in the mental hospital at age 22 an older man patient maybe 40, would corner a girl and talk forever. Before I knew it the girl he cornered left me with him and I freaked and froze and couldn't leave. When I had a group session with just him, my mom and the therapist I tore him to shreds. i don't know what I said but my mother was upset because he lived a couple blocks from us. He even mentioned a girl I knew younger than me who lived on his block. The therapist never said anything but they quit having the group. That's how much good mental hospitals do. The guy may have committed suicide for all I know.

I lost all sex drive so don't have to worry about sexual intimidation anymore but I lost a lot out of my life. I guess I learned to not care about certain people's feelings out of fear for my life and sanity, but this world is not my home.
 
I suggest continuing to talk to your therapist about this more as it is a danger for you in the hear and the now. You need coping skills to keep yourself safe.
That's what he said too, but I don't know if that's really a good idea. Better equip me for the future or teach me a more aggressive response instead of freezing up - maybe.

Doesn't it just keep the memories alive? I'm glad I don't have to see him until Thursday. At least if I don't contact him, I can keep myself dissociated or buried from the emotions. I already know that if I open the door even a bit. It's going to flood out and I don't want that to happen. I can function so much better keeping away from any emotional response.
 
You were brave enough, regardless of the odds to make that police report. I see that as a significant achievement.
I know that in my head, but it didn't or doesn't feel like an achievement at all. It felt forced. Like I didn't have a choice. I understand my husband wanting me to stop being a victim and stand up for myself. He's not wrong and maybe the timing never would have been right. I don't know. I'm the kind of person that shrinks from disapproval. Because I verbalized to him after we left the station that I really didn't feel any better about all this, his annoyance - frustration or shut down on me hurt more... but maybe I'm just overly sensitive to it right now.

I'll get to the "proud of myself" point I suppose, just not yet.
 
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