This is something I have been aware of for many years now. I am a very disciplined person with previous workaholic tendencies (before everything went splat) but have simultaneously always had problems dealing with myself. I realised in earlier years the way I activated myself was through threats, humiliation, psychological and physical punishment and the like. When I started getting somewhere with these behaviours and my severely dysfunctional inner parent then I was met with paralyses.
Clinical depression didn't help of course. Only realising now that it has improved so much how severe my depression symptoms were between the episodes I saw as major depression.
I eventually started speaking to myself aloud like a small child in a reassuring way to get any movement whatsoever - as totally nauseating and self hating as that made me.
Years on and I am able to generally be a little more active but am again going through a new phase of realising how entrenched some of this and how there are more and more layers that need to be dealt with. As soon as I try to actively organise and direct myself there is intense fear and then shutdown. The fear isn't about perfection is more primal than that. And I have done absolutely everything humanly possible to avoid anyone else controlling me in any way. :wideeyed: Thought I was on top of this but now I have no idea how I managed to fool myself that I was.
Clinical depression didn't help of course. Only realising now that it has improved so much how severe my depression symptoms were between the episodes I saw as major depression.
I eventually started speaking to myself aloud like a small child in a reassuring way to get any movement whatsoever - as totally nauseating and self hating as that made me.
Years on and I am able to generally be a little more active but am again going through a new phase of realising how entrenched some of this and how there are more and more layers that need to be dealt with. As soon as I try to actively organise and direct myself there is intense fear and then shutdown. The fear isn't about perfection is more primal than that. And I have done absolutely everything humanly possible to avoid anyone else controlling me in any way. :wideeyed: Thought I was on top of this but now I have no idea how I managed to fool myself that I was.