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Feel Numb

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soulsearcher

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For the past couple of weeks I have felt emotionally and physically numb. I think it has to do with this week being my last appointment with my t before she leaves her practice and the country for good. My t has set me up with another trauma therapist, but I just don't know if I can start over. It took me years to trust this one. All the Dr says is that I need to continue talk therapy.
All I can hear in my head is my abusive father saying "no one really cares about you...your so stupid and nieve". In the past I have used drugs and alcohol to get that a$$hole out of my head and numb the emotions that come with it.
I feel so lost in my healing journey right now... I honestly don't know what is best for me right now. Should I just give up on everything?
It would be great if you could share how to get past this numbness. As the longer this goes on the more lost I am feeling.
Thx for listening....greatly appreciated!
 
@soulsearcher : First all I'm really sorry that you are going through this and my best wishes are with you on this journey. Secondly, I would like to let you know that I have a bastard father like yours who has never accepted me for who I am and always compared me to my younger brother. He's a sexist asshole (pardon my language) and according to him I have always been the dumbest kid in comparison to my brother despite me topping school only because I couldn't do those maths word problems so I was n will always be dumb in his eyes. Oh there was also partial behavior on his part too, when me and my brother were overweight, my father used to put me down while he would go for training with my brother and would prepare fresh fruit juices for my brother but would look down on me.

Anyway, apart from my story. I would like to let you know that don't give up on your healing. I know these emotions and feeling physical n mental numb are part of the healing process. I still at times get into this phase where I don't feel emotions and feel empty inside. You are feeling this way because he's pushed you beyond your limits. It's him who has problems not you. I know it's hard to believe right now but giving up is not the solutions. You will need longer term therapy like myself to get over this negative self-image. AND it is a big big struggle!!! I can relate to you on this side of the abuse totally. However, while you are feeling like this, try forcing yourself to get out of the house and not be stuck in one spot because the more you stay in your room or in stationary mode, the worse you'll feel. Pick up a hobby or anything you wanted to do when you were little but couldn't do it and start it, it can be just anything. Even if you don't want to do anything, just force yourself to do it because depression and all these emotions make us feel stuck and make us feel hostile.

Remember: YOU are the one that CONTROLS your MIND!!! DON'T let the MIND CONTROL you!!!!


I hope this helped. Please hang in there, you are strong and being here on this forum makes you brave because you are already dealing with these issues. Your father is the one who has mental issues and sadly he will NEVER realise this. So you are already ahead in your recovery process. Don't give up.
 
I like what J_trustno1 said -

You are the one who controls your mind.

What helped me was that when I thought of the things my father said to me that kept me prisoner and numb, I would get in a quiet place and meditate on those words and envision them like a helium balloon just floating away, because the things my father said were not really who I am, so I can let them go and fly away because they were never really part of me to begin with.

And when I could do that, I could begin to regain my own emotional strength and trust in myself so that I would not feel as numb any more.

I hope that you don't give up - Don't let your father win.

Blessings on you - Laurie
 
@J_trustno1 not only is it a big struggle, it is a daily struggle!

@Laurie McLaughlin thank you for the idea of the balloons I plan on trying that.

Well I said goodbye to my t for the last time yesterday, since then I have been an emotional wreck. Tried to go to work today, lasted two hours before I burst into tears....went home and have been crying non stop. I still feel numb, not able to put these tears into words, yet hearing that asshole in my head, making me feel distroyed and uncared for.

I am suppose to call the agency next week to set up an appointment with a new trauma therapist, right now, I am not sure that I can or want to. I hurt SO much...I don't want to go through this again, but if I don't then I am stuck in my healing journey......I just don't know!!! (ahh I hate this emptiness, aloneness and hopelessness.......damn you PTSD)
 
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Sorry you're struggling. When I'm really numb or feeling trapped, I stick with the basics. Eat, walk the dog, don't make big changes (although I've wanted to quit therapy and sell my house!), find a way to laugh at something, sleep. Repeat the next day. And I keep going to therapy, even when I feel like I'm too numb or too stuck. So maybe just make that commitment to yourself? It's an open door. Starting again with a new therapist would beat feeling that emptiness and hopelessness, right??? I have felt lots of that lately. So even things that could fill my soul, like artwork, isn't working well. I'm too disconnected. But I believe this will pass. I'm aware enough to know I feel bad, to know I want to feel better and am just a little lost, and need some help.

Take care of yourself and don't give up on therapy. Go in and talk about that numbness and emptiness...
 
That is also one thing to remember -

As painful as things are - they will not last forever - even this horrible time will pass away.

And if we can be as kind to ourselves as possible and put one foot in front of the other will find the hope and courage to get past this.

Blessings - Laurie
 
Hi all,
I had bouts of feeling disconnected or numb throughout the years, sometimes lasting months, sometimes just the weekend, sometimes weeks... I found relief using Focusing, something that Eugene Gendlin defined and Ann Weiser Cornell explored even further... The problem for me is that when I am feeling numb, I could not care less about methods or coming back from this state. Somehow I am happy to stay like this... It is only after I come back from it that I can see how bad it is and how frustrating it is to know this is happening to me. soulsearcher, I am sorry that this is happening to you, I hope you can find a way to cope with it while it is there and one way to resolve it completely... Do not lose hope. Another thing I found helped me to deal with certain things was Internal Family Systems... I learned that there are different fragmented parts in me that are trying to protect me or guard me by keeping me on my toes. Initially until I knew about IFS, I thought my mind is playing games with me, but it was all there for a reason and needed to be balanced. For example, I would get so scared or worried about things, and there was a part in me that wanted me to get scared and worried because it wanted to keep me on my toes and let me know if I relax that I could get hurt or end up feeling hurt... I found very helpful the following books, Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect by Jonice Webb and Freedom from your inner critic by Jay Early and Bonnie Weiss...
I apologise if I am jumping into the fixing mode, but I know how difficult it is to be at a point of giving up and this is the attempt to say, please dont give up, search for answers and you will find them.

Blessings
Mil
 
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