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Feeling Dirty From Sexual Abuse Or Rape

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a3a2

MyPTSD Pro
I remember the feeling I had after being sexually abused. I felt dirty. Filthy. But no matter how I scrubbed, I could not make that feeling go away. Eventually, it turned to rage.

About two years ago, I befriended a young woman who had been brutally beaten and raped. I have encouraged her to get help (therapy), but for a number of reasons, she has not. She often tells me she feels dirty. Does anyone have some ideas on how I might help her with this?
 
I think it's really good that she has told you that. Big step to confess that to someone. And doubly good that you understand the feeling.

What helps me is having friends who listen and tell me I'm not, that it wasn't my fault ect. And who patiently tell me over and over again, without getting fed up or annoyed at me. I think it's one of those things that has to be drummed into you. It takes a long time to believe the truth.
They logic it out with me sometimes as well, to help me see the truth myself. They make me think of it happening to someone else, if THEY were saying to ME that they felt dirty, what would I say to them?
They box me in with their clever answers so that I've got to admit that it wasn't my fault and it doesn't make me dirty.
Doesn't remove the feeling entirely, but it definitely helps loads.

Hang in there and stick with her.
 
For me, that feeling was something that I found out later was my perpetrator's way to keep me in HIS sickness. My feeling dirty after the rapes was a given. I had to realize that holding on to that feeling only allowed them to victimize me over and over and over. Just the original abuse was enough.

I began to believe that they were the ones that were dirty. Horribly filthy and unsafe. My reaction to the attack and its processing took time and I now know that I will not give them that power ever again. They were wrong, not me, and it was up to me how I saw myself.. I was a survivor and I intended to help others wash the filth off them as I did. We did absolutely nothing wrong and I would not be punished for an eternity.

Helping others with the same history as ourselves helps us to detach from the personal pain and help others to see how to deal with the nightmares. Help each other, keep each other safe, and reach out for suggestions on how to process the trauma.

Best wishes to you,
suzie q
 
Because my trauma involved incest, I definitely understand the "dirty" feeling. There isn't much that helps.

I usually feel most comfortable in baggy clothes that I can "hide" in. Sometimes, though, when I'm with people who make me feel safe and we're going out to do something I really enjoy, I will take a risk and dress up a little bit with makeup, more form-fitting clothes, etc. Nothing too slutty at all - just a little more "girly," I guess. It is taking me a while, but sometimes when I feel "pretty," I also feel a lot less "dirty." For me, it is about accepting that I have a woman's body now, and not the child's body that was violated.

Depending how "girly" you and your friend are, maybe you could go shopping together. If that's too much, just a casual complement now and then might help her self-confidence.
 
Huh. I've never thought of this before, but I am a very very very clean person. Like obsessively clean. I wonder if that has to do with incest...Just a thought. Thanks for the posts!
 
I agree it takes time and it takes being constantly reminded that you aren't the dirty one at all. So just be there for her. Remind her that she's not at fault. It'll come. She'll get to the point where those feelings are few and far between. The baggy clothes and dirty feelings may eventually fade. I hope it happens sooner rather than later for her. She's lucky to have you and I hope you can get her to get some help.
 
I have encouraged her to get help (therapy), but for a number of reasons, she has not. She often tells me she feels dirty. Does anyone have some ideas on how I might help her with this?

I'm sorry but you can not help someone that is not willing to help themselves. She needs professional care. Feeling dirty is a symptom of the shame felt for being raped. It is something that needs to be worked out with a professional with the knowledge of how to help her deal with that.

I realize that empathy and compassion for her are driving you here. I do believe that being a support is a great thing. However, trying to help her fix this is just enabling. She needs the professional help. Keep encouraging her to seek it out so that she can work through these issues.

bec
 
Bec,

What do you mean by enabling?

Also, don't you think that recovering from a trauma is best done through community? When I say community, I mean loving friends and family who love and care and so over time, help to heal the hurts that have been inflicted. I don't think therapy once a week or whatever goes anywhere near being enough to recover...

I've found the love and support I've had from others gave me to courage to go to therapy, (without it, there's no way I would have gone) and has actually done a lot of healing before I got there. I'm sure if my friends had said to me, I refuse to listen to this, you need to talk to a professional, it would have been really damaging.

KJ
 
What has helped me to stop feeling so dirty? My therapist has drilled this into me...She asks me what I think of other people who have been molested as children. She asks me if I think they are dirty or shameful. I always say no, they are not, they are survivors. She then asks me why I don't view myself in the same way. We've been through this scenario over and over again, and its finally sinking in. I know I need to give my shame back to my perpetrator where it belongs because I didn't do anything shameful. I was only 4 when it happened and I did nothing wrong. For me, it was a matter of believing that everybody viewed me as dirty and disgusting and shameful, and when I was finally able to challenge this cognitive distortion, I was able to break down much of the shame. I hope this helps.
 
Well, becvan, to some extent, I think you are right. I can't do her work for her. But I can be a friend. This particular young woman has a severe disability...she is getting help to the extent that she is capable of receiving right now. But I know I need to make sure I don't step over the bounds of friendship and into the role of enabling....

Thank you all for your replies.
 
I do believe that being a support is a great thing. However, trying to help her fix this is just enabling. Keep encouraging her to seek it out so that she can work through these issues.
bec

Kayjay: please reread my above quote. Perhaps you notice the whole being a support is good but continue to encourage getting help? The best balance is being there without crossing lines into acting as a therapist, which is what I was pointing out. Please ask for clarifications instead of jumping to conclusions. Thanks.

a3a2: Exactly what I was hoping you would see. :) There is a line we must draw, because we can cause more harm to both the other person and ourselves. Definitely don't just dump, just be cautious.

bec
 
In the passion I have felt to help those I felt were hurting (like me), I have inadvertently discovered that I was actually working on myself through them. I didn't realize this until my friend started to make choices that had not been what I would have done. I would feel uncomfortable and almost angry when this would happen. It affected the friendship and also my self-esteem. I had a really hard time with not allowing them their own choices, even if I felt they were the wrong ones. I had to protect them and show them the way... I often went overboard and this eventually caused me more pain than if I had worked on my own stuff.

I'm NOT saying you are doing what I did, I just had a flash of memory when I read your last post. Good luck in your support with your friend. Everyone needs someone to give a shit!
 
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