J_trustno1
MyPTSD Pro
I don't which is the most appropriate place for this post. My apologies for causing any disturbance and please feel free to move this post if you like.
For the last couple of months a lot has happened in my life.
Early march was when I got my first ever formal job. Then trying to adjust to people at work and trying to understand the entire environment at work. Then seeing everyone having groups at work while I felt abandoned despite trying so hard to be part of their group. But now I feel that I don't need to try so hard and I will just be cordial and will be formal & polite to people and that's about it I can really do because I need to be myself. Then my own insecurities rising up with feelings such as: being too dressed or not dressed well, short, not good looking, everyone there having partners while being the only single one... blah blah and blah.. never shutting thoughts!!
Due to my own internal negative dialogue, I was becoming more and more depressed day by day. I didn't know what was happening. Then seeing this guy at the bank who was checking me out and thinking that he was out my league,, again same repetitive thoughts. I was very depressed from mid-Feb till Early April. I walked to my doctors clinic crying in the waiting room in front of other people because I was depressed and felt no way out of all that hell that was going in my head. I told my Doctor about my negative experience with the girls when we went for volunteering and how I was left out and pushed around. On top of that my feelings of feeling ugly and unattractive were also adding up to the treatment I was given by those girls. So I was in total hell last month. There was no single day that I hadn't cried in March and Early April and parts of Feb. So everything was pretty much disastrous for me.
My doctor doubled my antidepressants dose thinking it will help me but it made me worse. I went from depressed to suicidal. I wanted to give myself a poison shot so I could end all that misery. Therefore I had to cut back my dose. Along with my medication I was given thyroid medication for my hypothyroidism. After cutting down my antidepressant and continuing my thyroid medicine, I started feeling a much better, my thoughts started changing and I felt I was getting better.
Last week was the only week that I hadn't cried a single day in comparison to two months. I told my Doctor that reducing the medication helped me and told her that I am sensitive to any medication which is given to me in high dose and Venlafaxine has to be lowered very slowly for me because I get instant withdrawal symptoms. So she has cut my 75mg pill to 37.5mg per day. So far I am feeling a bit better.
However, there was this entire thing that was going on with me about being in a relationship and I even thought about asking a family friend to help me find some single guys. After giving it a thought, I realised that I should slow down a bit. Thinking about relationships made my skin crawl. I felt all the domestic violence brought to the house by my father, all the yelling and screaming between my parents all over again. All those thoughts just initiated with one single word "Marriage". Then thinking about sex, all I could relate to was being raped every single night by a guy, AND this is all because of one single pedophile who molested me (no rape) at the age of 9.
Now I am back to square one thinking that there is no such thing as successful marriage and I should just stay single because it's better to be single than being forced suicide each and every single day by your husband. Then the thought of being a guys maid (for example: how my mother did everything for our father and got no appreciation) even made that image of marriage worse. I feel that I am better of living own my own and looking after myself than a male. Yes, the disadvantage is that I will probably NEVER see my future species and my gene pool will end which is kinda sad but what about the misery created by marriages??
I feel that I have gone in a shell again where I don't want any human interactions anymore. I don't know why but it is quite scary :( . Yes, everyone from high school and uni who studied with me is getting married and popping kids but then again I am not them. They probably didn't have this kind of shit to deal with...
For the last couple of months a lot has happened in my life.
Early march was when I got my first ever formal job. Then trying to adjust to people at work and trying to understand the entire environment at work. Then seeing everyone having groups at work while I felt abandoned despite trying so hard to be part of their group. But now I feel that I don't need to try so hard and I will just be cordial and will be formal & polite to people and that's about it I can really do because I need to be myself. Then my own insecurities rising up with feelings such as: being too dressed or not dressed well, short, not good looking, everyone there having partners while being the only single one... blah blah and blah.. never shutting thoughts!!
Due to my own internal negative dialogue, I was becoming more and more depressed day by day. I didn't know what was happening. Then seeing this guy at the bank who was checking me out and thinking that he was out my league,, again same repetitive thoughts. I was very depressed from mid-Feb till Early April. I walked to my doctors clinic crying in the waiting room in front of other people because I was depressed and felt no way out of all that hell that was going in my head. I told my Doctor about my negative experience with the girls when we went for volunteering and how I was left out and pushed around. On top of that my feelings of feeling ugly and unattractive were also adding up to the treatment I was given by those girls. So I was in total hell last month. There was no single day that I hadn't cried in March and Early April and parts of Feb. So everything was pretty much disastrous for me.
My doctor doubled my antidepressants dose thinking it will help me but it made me worse. I went from depressed to suicidal. I wanted to give myself a poison shot so I could end all that misery. Therefore I had to cut back my dose. Along with my medication I was given thyroid medication for my hypothyroidism. After cutting down my antidepressant and continuing my thyroid medicine, I started feeling a much better, my thoughts started changing and I felt I was getting better.
Last week was the only week that I hadn't cried a single day in comparison to two months. I told my Doctor that reducing the medication helped me and told her that I am sensitive to any medication which is given to me in high dose and Venlafaxine has to be lowered very slowly for me because I get instant withdrawal symptoms. So she has cut my 75mg pill to 37.5mg per day. So far I am feeling a bit better.
However, there was this entire thing that was going on with me about being in a relationship and I even thought about asking a family friend to help me find some single guys. After giving it a thought, I realised that I should slow down a bit. Thinking about relationships made my skin crawl. I felt all the domestic violence brought to the house by my father, all the yelling and screaming between my parents all over again. All those thoughts just initiated with one single word "Marriage". Then thinking about sex, all I could relate to was being raped every single night by a guy, AND this is all because of one single pedophile who molested me (no rape) at the age of 9.
Now I am back to square one thinking that there is no such thing as successful marriage and I should just stay single because it's better to be single than being forced suicide each and every single day by your husband. Then the thought of being a guys maid (for example: how my mother did everything for our father and got no appreciation) even made that image of marriage worse. I feel that I am better of living own my own and looking after myself than a male. Yes, the disadvantage is that I will probably NEVER see my future species and my gene pool will end which is kinda sad but what about the misery created by marriages??
I feel that I have gone in a shell again where I don't want any human interactions anymore. I don't know why but it is quite scary :( . Yes, everyone from high school and uni who studied with me is getting married and popping kids but then again I am not them. They probably didn't have this kind of shit to deal with...