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Feeling Kind Of Closed Off In Again...

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J_trustno1

MyPTSD Pro
I don't which is the most appropriate place for this post. My apologies for causing any disturbance and please feel free to move this post if you like.

For the last couple of months a lot has happened in my life.

Early march was when I got my first ever formal job. Then trying to adjust to people at work and trying to understand the entire environment at work. Then seeing everyone having groups at work while I felt abandoned despite trying so hard to be part of their group. But now I feel that I don't need to try so hard and I will just be cordial and will be formal & polite to people and that's about it I can really do because I need to be myself. Then my own insecurities rising up with feelings such as: being too dressed or not dressed well, short, not good looking, everyone there having partners while being the only single one... blah blah and blah.. never shutting thoughts!!

Due to my own internal negative dialogue, I was becoming more and more depressed day by day. I didn't know what was happening. Then seeing this guy at the bank who was checking me out and thinking that he was out my league,, again same repetitive thoughts. I was very depressed from mid-Feb till Early April. I walked to my doctors clinic crying in the waiting room in front of other people because I was depressed and felt no way out of all that hell that was going in my head. I told my Doctor about my negative experience with the girls when we went for volunteering and how I was left out and pushed around. On top of that my feelings of feeling ugly and unattractive were also adding up to the treatment I was given by those girls. So I was in total hell last month. There was no single day that I hadn't cried in March and Early April and parts of Feb. So everything was pretty much disastrous for me.

My doctor doubled my antidepressants dose thinking it will help me but it made me worse. I went from depressed to suicidal. I wanted to give myself a poison shot so I could end all that misery. Therefore I had to cut back my dose. Along with my medication I was given thyroid medication for my hypothyroidism. After cutting down my antidepressant and continuing my thyroid medicine, I started feeling a much better, my thoughts started changing and I felt I was getting better.

Last week was the only week that I hadn't cried a single day in comparison to two months. I told my Doctor that reducing the medication helped me and told her that I am sensitive to any medication which is given to me in high dose and Venlafaxine has to be lowered very slowly for me because I get instant withdrawal symptoms. So she has cut my 75mg pill to 37.5mg per day. So far I am feeling a bit better.

However, there was this entire thing that was going on with me about being in a relationship and I even thought about asking a family friend to help me find some single guys. After giving it a thought, I realised that I should slow down a bit. Thinking about relationships made my skin crawl. I felt all the domestic violence brought to the house by my father, all the yelling and screaming between my parents all over again. All those thoughts just initiated with one single word "Marriage". Then thinking about sex, all I could relate to was being raped every single night by a guy, AND this is all because of one single pedophile who molested me (no rape) at the age of 9.

Now I am back to square one thinking that there is no such thing as successful marriage and I should just stay single because it's better to be single than being forced suicide each and every single day by your husband. Then the thought of being a guys maid (for example: how my mother did everything for our father and got no appreciation) even made that image of marriage worse. I feel that I am better of living own my own and looking after myself than a male. Yes, the disadvantage is that I will probably NEVER see my future species and my gene pool will end which is kinda sad but what about the misery created by marriages??

I feel that I have gone in a shell again where I don't want any human interactions anymore. I don't know why but it is quite scary :( . Yes, everyone from high school and uni who studied with me is getting married and popping kids but then again I am not them. They probably didn't have this kind of shit to deal with...
 
Jess, there are successful marriages, and they are worth pursuing them. I have been in one for almost 36 years.
I cannot speak to many of the things that you are feeling regarding your domestic situation, but as for the work situation here are some ideas:
Don't try to dress how you think others want you to dress, but rather what makes you comfortable. Is you work environment business casual? if so then find outfits that are business casual that you feel good in and wear them.

As for thinking this guy who seemed to be checking you out; he is not out of your league, that is the PTSD lying to you. He may be looking at you and thinking you are out of his league.

I also understand the feelings of climbing in a shell and isolating; I am doing that to a certain degree right now, but we need interaction with others. Humans were not created to live isolation; it is our trauma that makes us choose isolation over interaction, and we must fight to regain our ability to socialize with others. So, don't give up on the idea of meeting someone and having a good marriage. If I can do it, then so can you.
 
Thanks @RussH for the beautiful reply. Yes, it is smart casual dressing. I always wear what I'm comfortable in :).

I am working on my self-esteem and I am already starting to feel that I am not ugly unlike before. I feel pretty and I like the way I look. I don't know how that change happened but it feels good.

Most importantly, I am starting to feel that I don't need a man or anything or anyone to make me happy because I am complete own my own. I never felt this before but I started feeling it for the first time today. I walk my head high and it feels GOOD :D.

It's the isolation part and not expecting anything good out of relationships is kinda scary. I don't want to be a burden on someone nor i want them to be a burden on me. I don't want to babysit a man like I have seen in other relationships in the family. I just can't settle for someone for the sake of it. I value equilibrium, respect and equality in relationships which I never got to see in my parents or other relatives.
 
Jess, I'm so pleased to hear that you are feeling more confident, holding your head high. :hug: I actually think that is more important before you find a relationship. Having a solid sense of yourself and confidence will allow you to have a better idea of what you will accept as you enter into a relationship. You will be less likely to settle for the qualities that you are lamenting. You seem to know what you value even though you didn't see it growing up.

I believe that when you feel good about yourself (as you do now), you send that message out to the world and others respond to it. You "don't need a man to make you happy because you are complete on your own" and that is an amazing self-perception to build on. You don't need a man, but it might be nice to have one in a partnership some time and it often happens when you least expect it. ;)
 
Thanks @littlelostchild. You are one of the wisest friends I have on the forum and I was actually looking to ask you these questions lol. Glad that you replied to my post :hug:s.

You know I never felt the feeling of being complete own my own before regardless trying so hard until yesterday. I was thinking thoroughly over this relationship thing while sitting in the park at lunch time at work and while observing the nature, I felt that I was trying too hard for a relationship and that was all because other people were doing it. Then I realized that I am not those people and there is more to a relationship than a status or sex, I want someone who will respect me and my boundaries. I just can't settle and too bad if I don't meet anyone because I am enough and I have achieved all this own my own so why do I need a man??? Just for the sake of it??? I do things I enjoy not because others are doing it.

I am unique and that is what makes me me and complete. I never felt any of that until yesterday afternoon and now I feel good about myself for not jumping into a relationship or letting the guys who dumped get away with all the crap because it's my values that make me a strong independent woman which is how I wanted to be observed in this world. I will NOT take crap from anyone.
 
Hello there @J_trustno1 . I have had serious trust issues and self esteem as well. I have also been married now for almost 15 years to a wonderful man who loves me for me, flaws and all. We are a team, working together to raise our children and take care of our home. I can honestly say though I had to do a lot of work on me before I met him and I am so glad I did. It is so important to respect and love yourself before you can share that with someone else. I don't think you should settle in the least bit and am glad you recognize the beauty in your uniqueness! You can be a strong, independent woman and still share a life with someone. I love my husband and all that he does but I also know that I can stand on my own two feet and that is an amazing feeling! ;)
 
Most importantly, I am starting to feel that I don't need a man or anything or anyone to make me happy because I am complete own my own. I never felt this before but I started feeling it for the first time today. I walk my head high and it feels GOOD
I am proud of you for this:)
 
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