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Feeling Like A Constant Failure In Therapy

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mrsmegan

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I love my T. He's amazing, good at what he does, and we work so well together. I feel safe and I trust him, which is huge.

We have had a number of intense and amazing conversations about how I'm good enough, there is nothing wrong with me, and what happened to me was not my fault.

He holds so much hope for me and in those sessions, I feel it myself. I start to really believe in these things. It feels so good.

It's usually not long after I leave, these feelings start to fade. I go back to believing the "truths" that are imprinted on my heart. It just makes me feel like a failure. Over and over again. He is awesome and so helpful and I feel like I just waste it :(
 
I understand, and am sending you a hug. It was ingrained in my being as well. I was tormented for the abuse after the fact by sick people further hurting me, and ingrained the "it's all your fault" into my being more. For years I was treated like crap because I was abused, and there is nothing I can do about it. I think the loss of goid life developmental experiences, and happy menories after that hurts even more. It made it hard to survive, and I had to fight not to kill myself for a long time.
When I know its not my fault I feel ok about myself, but that is rare. Louis Hay has a self love cd on yourube free, and that helped for a long time. I used to play it in the background cleaning my house, and doing stuff. I think reguardless of fault self love is more important. I think when were hurt this badly to suffer frim ptsd we don't love ourself. Self talk is important.
hugs again.
 
Honey, it's not your fault, you've had years and years of conditioning that told you you weren't worth anything and so it will understandably take some time for these new ideas to take hold and sink into your mind.

It's sadly funny that we can be making good progress, but that even in those cases we can beat ourselves up for not making enough progress (like it's solely our fault and responsibility that we feel bad and it's solely our fault or evidence that we are worthless that we aren't getting better). Your T believes in you and knows you're not a failure, just because that doesn't feel true for you right now, doesn't mean that it will always be the case and doesn't mean that it's your fault :).
 
Thanks @MyDogsLoveMe and @heyheyhey i really appreciate your encouragement. I know I need to be easy on myself, and you are right, it has been years and years of conditioning, it's going to take time.

I know I also really struggle with wanting to make him happy, afraid that if I mess up-to-date or take too long, he will realize that I'm a failure :(
 
I love my T. He's amazing, good at what he does, and we work so well together. I feel safe and I trust...
Well, I know that the negative thoughts in my life stem from predators who attempted to force me into situations that I was not comfortable with. Therapy shows me that such negative thoughts have to be explored, and then I understand more why these negative thoughts are there in the first place.
In my case predators attempted and still do attempt to transplant negative thoughts into my mind. Predators will attempt to control others by placing lies and negative suggestions into the mind of their victims.

I will always know this: the ones that talk the most are the loosers. Only someone that proves their patience, their high abilities, their determination, and their strength could ever get close to me.
 
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